Anonymous wrote:He can't process it and is angry and lashed out at you. Some men are unable to process suc things apart from anger and violence. Sadly, he might feel so without power and that he failed his child. None of this makes it ok to react like that and be rude and emotionaly hurtful to you.

plus 1

Anonymous wrote:I’d be 100% focused on my child and deal with him later.

+1. And I would say children. Seems like your older child was told about this and also that the victim probably told her to not tell mom. She did tell Mom. So she broke a promise and obviously felt it was for a very valid reason. The therapist idea is great, but honestly I would star with the child who told, as she is probably in touch with the victim's feelings and was acting in a confidante capacity. She told you for a reason, OP, it's not just an off-hand thing. Your husband is reacting in his own way, let him, but figure out what's happening with your kids. Only one was raped, but both of them need you right now and keeping mum and working it out in a therapist's office with your husband is only so helpful.

Men like to solve problems, but you can't change the past.

Oh no. I’m so sorry for your daughter.
Please go talk to her now. She needs her mom. She needs family to help her feel safe and cared for. This is too important not to say anything.
Your husband reacted very badly, but I bet he’s just having an extremely hard time processing it and feels out of control now. Give him time
But go to your daughter. She needs you

I’d be 100% focused on my child and deal with him later.

How old is your daughter? Does she still live in your house or is she on her own?

My daughter was raped when she was young. I contacted police; there was a special unit at Children’s that dealt with minors. Children’s was amazing but DC police were beyond terrible. Not only was the case never solved; they really traumatized her for a second time.

My best advice is to get your daughter into counseling immediately. You don’t have to say you know about the attack. She is self-mutilating and withdrawing. She needs help.

As far as your husband, I don’t know if you realize you are focusing on the wrong things here. Maybe it is a defense mechanism because of the enormity of this all. My ex felt he hadn’t protected her. He was also mad at me. Honestly, I don’t even remember why - it didn’t matter. He dealt with it. H being angry but I couldn’t let down my daughter. She needed a champion like you need air - someone to believe her, someone to hold her hand, someone to hold back her hair when the post-rape drugs made her throw up, someone to buy a punching bag so she could hit it and someone to tell the cop to go to hell when he insinuated maybe she had done something wrong. Be your daughter’s champion. Deal with your husband and your own feelings later. Right now, step up and be your daughter’s champion.

OP, sorry your family is going through this. Is your husband normally like this? If not, I would give him a pass. In my experience with stuff like this, men feel very emasculated by such events. They think it's their job to protect, so they feel very defeated knowing they couldn't protect a woman they love sometimes. Perhaps that's what your DH is going through and unable to articulate.

Anonymous wrote:A trigger warning would've been kind.

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, it does sound like your husband sucks. But this is a very self centered post. You are focusing on how your husband is treating you and how the news about the rape is making you feel. Your focus should be on helping your kid. Yes, you can talk to other people about this - a therapist, at the very least, to help you figure out how to help your daughter. You do not have to keep this a secret. Don’t gossip with friends, but get your daughter help.

Wow. The breathtaking cruelty of saying OP is "self centered" when she's upset over all she's dealing with.

Absolutely sick. Disgusting.

Hi, yes, I realized that before seeing this and wrote an update above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a therapist, stat, and figure out the best way to help your kid. I am not an expert on this, but I think this may be one instance where breaking the confidence may be necessary. Get a telehealth appointment,p.


Stop focusing on your husband. That’s secondary right now. He may suck but stop giving him your energy and focus when that needs to be on your daughter.

This is the best advice. For me, I wouldbe very upset and disappointed in my husband if I behaved this way. I would not want to look over this behavior. At all.

However, it's kind of like paying attention to the paint chipping off when your boat is sinking. Focus on finding the leak in the boat and stopping it. Give your daughter all your attention and focus, and pay for a therapist who can allow you to vent and process your emotions, since your husband is so incapable of giving you the empathy you need. Hopefully a therapist that can give you the best advice for how to best be there for your daughter and how to approach her. Paying for therapy for her too might be a great idea.

Once this storm is over then you can address your husband's lack of compassion. But focus on your own emotions and your daughters, and try to block him out.

I am 19.33. Yes, this, but this poster spoke more compassionately, as I should have as well. I’m sorry you are going through this, op.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, it does sound like your husband sucks. But this is a very self centered post. You are focusing on how your husband is treating you and how the news about the rape is making you feel. Your focus should be on helping your kid. Yes, you can talk to other people about this - a therapist, at the very least, to help you figure out how to help your daughter. You do not have to keep this a secret. Don’t gossip with friends, but get your daughter help.

Wow. The breathtaking cruelty of saying OP is "self centered" when she's upset over all she's dealing with.

Absolutely sick. Disgusting.