I have two boys, three years apart. First remembers being an only and was not happy that we brought home a baby. I think three years is too much. I’d do 2 - 2.5 if you can handle it.

Whatever age gap you have, that will be your family. You'll either love their shared developmental interests or love how helpful your elder child is caring for the baby.

My kids have a 5.75 year age gap. It's great that elder child isn't jealous of anything younger child gets since she's fully outgrown those things. She has changed diapers but also goes on sleepovers to get space. I think it's really beautiful! People who had 2 under 2 have lots to love about that too.

I’m typing this pretty quick but there was an interesting study that showed larger age gaps (3+ years) benefit boys. The younger child is compared less to the older and develops their own identity as was said upthread. The study found less of an effect for girls and positive effects of closer age gap for older girls (?) I think. Can’t quite remember but something about helping the family and responsibility of being older was better for girls but not boys. After I read that it kinda tracked to what I noticed in my cousins and such. I have two boys 28 months apart fwiw.

Anonymous wrote:My second and third are 26 months apart. There was a lot of “have your kids two years apart, they said, they’ll be such good friends, they said” grumbling in my house but these days they actually are really close. (They’re 4.5 and almost 2.5. Oldest is almost 8.) Now we’re having a fourth, who will be two years nine months younger than #3. I’d say three years is easier when they’re little and two is easier when they’re older, but it depends on personalities and that you can’t control. If I knew I only wanted two kids, I’d have them close and suck up the first few hard years.

Just to add to this (I’m the quoted PP), we’re not sure if we want another after the 4th but if we do it’ll be close together and we’ll hire a nanny (I’m a SAHM) — I don’t want too big a gap between our oldest and youngest because I want at least some time with all my kids at home when no one is a baby.

My second and third are 26 months apart. There was a lot of “have your kids two years apart, they said, they’ll be such good friends, they said” grumbling in my house but these days they actually are really close. (They’re 4.5 and almost 2.5. Oldest is almost 8.) Now we’re having a fourth, who will be two years nine months younger than #3. I’d say three years is easier when they’re little and two is easier when they’re older, but it depends on personalities and that you can’t control. If I knew I only wanted two kids, I’d have them close and suck up the first few hard years.

Anonymous wrote:2 is better for the kids. 3 is better for the parents. We have both age gaps. All same sex kids.

Agree. I have 2 that are 19 months apart. It is hard the first 2 yrs. But at 9 and 10 now, they are best friends. They go to the same school, can generally do the same sports and classes, and have shared interests.

3+ yrs apart (my youngest is 5 yrs younger than middle) they aren't as good of playmates and will have separate interests that will spread you thinner. But the older one will be in preschool when baby comes, that is the one bonus.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been told 5 years is the best gap.
I do believe the recommendation is 18 months between pregnancies at the earliest.

You don't mention your age, which is a factor as well, and as pps have said you don't know how much time you will need.

Really though you just have to make do with what you get.

Why is 5 years the best gap?

(We are looking at a 4 year gap at minimum due to secondary infertility, which is why I got excited about your response)

I've been told because it's close enough in age to still allow for a sibling bond, but far apart enough so that each child gets to fully be focused on as a baby and toddler, there's enough space between them at school so siblings aren't always being compared, easier for the younger to develop their own identity.


Anecdotally the happiest families and sibling relationships seem to be with siblings with the 4/5 year gap.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have boy that turns 1 this month. We want one more but not sure what is the best age gap. We are discussing whether we should start now and have them with a 2 year age gap, or wait until he is two and have them have a 3 year age gap. I’ve heard some like close in age, and other have recommended a large age gap. Which do you prefer and why?

Neither 2 or 3 years is considered a "larger age gap" in my mind, so it's kind of quibbling on the details to me. I think the advice to start trying with the smallest age gap that would be acceptable to you if you were to become pregnant immediately made by the PP makes sense, but without knowing your age and fertility history it is really impossible to say. You can research this if you are into data, but from everything I have read 2 vs 3 years basically makes no difference. Most studies are looking at 4/5/6/7 plus in how that impacts childhood relationships and family dynamics.

Anonymous wrote:I've been told 5 years is the best gap.
I do believe the recommendation is 18 months between pregnancies at the earliest.

You don't mention your age, which is a factor as well, and as pps have said you don't know how much time you will need.

Really though you just have to make do with what you get.

Why is 5 years the best gap?

(We are looking at a 4 year gap at minimum due to secondary infertility, which is why I got excited about your response)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted a two year gap and got three. We thought it would be as easy to get pregnant a second time as the first, but nope. I was only 29 when we were trying for our second, too, so you just never know. I would just start trying as soon as you feel ready and not put too much stock in having the perfect spacing.

+1. Secondary infertility here too, came as a complete surprise. Wish we wouldn’t have tried to time the perfect gap and had started trying as soon as we felt ready

Yep, I had a late miscarriage when my first was almost 2 and it took us some time to get pregnant again.

Ours are 28 months apart. For us, personally, and with the temperament of our oldest, it was too close. I would prefer a 3-4 year gap.

I've been told 5 years is the best gap.
I do believe the recommendation is 18 months between pregnancies at the earliest.

You don't mention your age, which is a factor as well, and as pps have said you don't know how much time you will need.

Really though you just have to make do with what you get.

2 is better for the kids. 3 is better for the parents. We have both age gaps. All same sex kids.

We ended up with 3.5 yr gap and it was great in that the 3.5 yo was fairly independent by then and understood everything including that mommy is busy with the baby sometimes and I can trust him to go play and not kill himself while I am getting baby down for a nap or whatever.

The only downside is what a PP mentioned- totally different life stages. He dropped his nap right around the time the baby arrived but baby didn't nap well on the go at all, so we've ended up in nap jail for way too long. She's now 1 yo and I'm desperately looking forward to when she drops to one nap so we can do something exciting in the mornings at least but she still seems to really need two for now.

Ours are 27 months apart and I feel it has been a really good age gap. It was hard in the beginning since our oldest was still so little himself (still slept in a crib, still wore diapers/not potty trained yet, still used a pacifier and sippy cup, etc) since it sometimes felt like we had 2 babies for the first few months. But now they are ages 5 and 3, play so well together, can do most of the same activities, have similar interests, etc. I think if we had a 3 year gap and they were ages 5 and 2 right now that would be much different as they probably wouldn’t have as many overlapping interests/abilities. However, nothing is guaranteed. I myself have siblings who are 3.5 years younger and 7 years younger and we got along fine as kids but weren’t that close as we were always at different stages growing up but I’m really close to both of them now that we’re all adults.

You never know if your kids will be close/play well together no matter the age gap though. It’s more about personality than age difference I think.