OP here. So in hindsight, I'm remembering he asked me to do some sort of BDSM test in the beginning of our relationship and we showed each other our results. The results showed that we were compatible. But I remember feeling like my results didn't accurately portray me, but didn't really discuss it because I thought it was no big deal. I thought nothing else of it, and didn't really understand that for some people this is a lifestyle that goes on inside and outside of the bedroom. I thought he was just bored and sending an entertaining quiz. So much more makes sense now that I'm putting this all together. He has referenced phrases from the test, and I was not understanding their BDSM connotations. Still not sure about how I feel about all this, but he has at least brought this up. And I can now understand why he might think I'm into teasing, even when I'm not.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Thanks so much!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I did a little research on BDSM.....OMG THIS IS TOTALLY HIM!!!! I feel a little slow actually. He has tried to talk to me about this, but I was not "getting it" because I feel like a lot of the lingo has double meanings, and being that I didn't know anything about BDSM, I was misunderstanding him. Wow, what a revelation! I have some thinking to do about all of this.

When you do your thinking, consider the fact that he couldn't just talk to you openly and frankly about what he wanted, and ASK you what you thought and felt about it.

If he can't do those things he is immature. A mature person would not be using "lingo" with "double meanings" and just hoping you'd catch on.

Even if you think you're interested in BDSM, the non-sexual control examples you mention earlier are still red flags. While you ponder BDSM you also need to sit down and think through, even make a list of, the ways he tries to control you, even small ones. They do add up. And they won't change. If you really look, you are likely to find he exerts more little instances of control than you even realized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t sound healthy.

Nope/ I'd leave him. You have discussed how this doesn't work for you. He refuses to change. It will not get better than it is now. This is the honeymoon phase. Take it or leave it. I would leave it.

+1

OP, you yourself use the word "control" about his behavior. It won't get better; he will start doing other little things to control you, to see how far he can push it with you. He's also controlling with the sexual teasing and enjoys denying you sex (what does he do about the fact he's aroused too, huh? Make you watch him and get even more frustrated? How is that OK?) Unless you really do get off on some thrill of being controlled, leave him. Have some self-respect.

Oh, and the "spoiling" and "catering to [your] needs" you describe -- those can be a control freak's way of pulling you in closer and making you so convinced he's good to you. So that the control he wants feels like something you owe him, because he's soooo sweet and spoils you so it must be real love...right?

I really hope you don't live together. I fear you do. I hope you can leave him quickly because I suspect that your spoiling, catering lover might turn very nasty you break up. He would have to find someone else to control if you assert yourself.

It doesn't matter if it's a BDSM thing, his approach is all wrong. YOu don't want to be involved with him.

If you want to explore BDSM, do with someone who will repsect your boundaries.


The fact that he won't when you have asked him to stop is a huge , huge red flag and not BDSM at all.

You need to have a frank talk with him about the fact that he's into BDSM and this is new to you and you are not sure you are into it or what it is or what it means to him. But at the end of the day, its probably important to understand how important this is to him. The other thing that bothers me is that he's not asking your permission to do this--that is key to a healthy BDSM relationship--as paradoxical as it sounds, you have to agree and be fully willing to submit.

fwiw, I have been the s in D/s relationships. Domination but no sadism--that's my sweet spot. I am now married to someone who is pretty vanilla. All in all, its fine, but our sex life is not what I would want it to be. I prioritized marriage and kids and friendship, so I dont regret it, but I kind of wish I could have had all that plus the right sexual fit.

Omg who has time for that bullshit. DTMFA

This is definitely at the very least concerning

Refuse to have sex with him until he changes.

He's the one being difficult, not you.

But to answer your original question - NO, you are not being difficult. I am concerned that you are doubting yourself and questioning your very valid feelings. You can’t ignore your gut to appease your partner.

What happens when he refuses you sex? Do you do it later, or do you literally have to wait another day? If he knows you don’t like it but persists anyway, that’s disrespectful and pretty odd, actually. Not telling you when he’s coming home — also disrespectful and odd. If it’s part of a reciprocal BDSM relationship, then that’s another thing but that can’t be one-sides because then there’s an element of abuse.

OP here. So I did a little research on BDSM.....OMG THIS IS TOTALLY HIM!!!! I feel a little slow actually. He has tried to talk to me about this, but I was not "getting it" because I feel like a lot of the lingo has double meanings, and being that I didn't know anything about BDSM, I was misunderstanding him. Wow, what a revelation! I have some thinking to do about all of this.

Anonymous wrote:Is he controlling in other ways? I would say, picture not a big deal. Not telling you when he is returning from the trip, red flag. Sex stuff: fine if you enjoy it, but no good if you don't match up in terms of what you are into sexually. Also, there is a small chance he's a serial killer.

I am sorry, but I LOL'd at this just all casually being thrown in there.

Anonymous wrote:I really enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend. He's a lot of fun, and we've fallen in love with each other. There is one thing that drives me crazy about him though. He likes for me to yearn for things. I hate this! For example, he's out of town and I miss him. I asked him to send me a pic. He refuses, says he wants me to anticipate seeing him badly, so I can't see him til he gets back. This is so annoying to me. He also won't tell me when he's coming back. Another example is that at times he will get me really worked up for sex and then refuse to give it to me. I've told him this annoys me, but he won't stop. It's extra irritating because we have crazy chemistry. I know everyone has flaws. And outside of this little teasing/control thing, I absolutely adore him. We have tons in common, he spoils me with lots of attention, works hard at the relationship, and just generally really caters to my needs. Should I suck this up?

This sounds a little psycho. If your only example was not texting you a picture and a little good natured teasing I'd overlook it, but the sex thing is bizarre.

I mean, if you're into it, it could be kind of hot I guess. But if you're not then I'd tread carefully.

He's controlling. Leave, and never look back.