Anonymous wrote:I would be as smooth-surfaced and non-committal as possible. Something like,

"I'm sorry it came across that way -- it was not my intent. That's just what we do when we go anywhere now, and it's just as much a part of keeping you safe as us. Thank you for hosting us."

And then I'd decline any get-togethers while the pandemic is ongoing, but with vague or non-committal reasons like, "we can't make it, but hope everyone has fun." And I'd wait for emotions to settle down once it is over.

My goal -- and this may not be yours, but it is definitely mine -- is to whatever I can (within the bounds of my own morality) to decrease stress and stressful interactions, keep myself and others safe, and get this over as fast as possible. Conversations with amped-up people for any reason harshes whatever shred of mellow I have left.

Good luck!

This

Anonymous wrote:I would be as smooth-surfaced and non-committal as possible. Something like,

"I'm sorry it came across that way -- it was not my intent. That's just what we do when we go anywhere now, and it's just as much a part of keeping you safe as us. Thank you for hosting us."

And then I'd decline any get-togethers while the pandemic is ongoing, but with vague or non-committal reasons like, "we can't make it, but hope everyone has fun." And I'd wait for emotions to settle down once it is over.

My goal -- and this may not be yours, but it is definitely mine -- is to whatever I can (within the bounds of my own morality) to decrease stress and stressful interactions, keep myself and others safe, and get this over as fast as possible. Conversations with amped-up people for any reason harshes whatever shred of mellow I have left.

Good luck!

I think this wording is perfect. Email it, decline future invites and forget about it.

OP, your SIL seems to be someone who likes to stir the pot. Don't take the bait. I'd say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We always bring our own food these days," and keep my distance.

I would consider apologizing for not telling her first...that sucks if she went to trouble for cook for you.

I would not apologize for making choices that are right for your family.

"Larla, Oh gosh, I feel so bad that you're upset about this! We've been seeing people very infrequently, and there's really never food involved. The few times there has been we bring it ourselves because that is what we are comfortable with. I should have told you that this is our approach, but with the pandemic being so normal now I just didn't think to. I feel bad if you went to trouble to cook for us. I know you're taking seriously. Maybe we can try again next weekend at your house or ours....this time, knowing before-hand that we aren't sharing food right now!"

cc: your husband

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. You did right.

You don't think it would be right to mention that you're bringing your own food before someone cooks for you?

+1 I agree I would have spelled out the guidelines beforehand. At the same time, SIL response is a bit out there. Nevertheless, I would ignore it, talk to your husband and then let your husband deal with it. You can’t assume that people are in the same page, so I get on the phone beforehand and figure things out. I don’t ask the host to do things. Either I’m comfortable and going, or I’m not comfortable and not going. I don’t offer excuses or explanations, as that opens up a can of worms with some people, particularly because of my work.

Anonymous wrote:OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

So, the sandwiches just apparated? Or did they spend money on them?

When you've gone to her house in the past, has she offered food? Was this at a time when you anticipated eating? It seems like you must have if you brought food.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

At the time you issued the invite you should have made your intentions to cook for them clear so they could say "Don't be an idiot - we are not going to eat food made in your kitchen. We'd like to see you but we will bring our own food!" and then you could have said "I find that highly insulting. Are you saying we're not clean?" and then you could have both agreed to not get together.

So, up until this year, no one would have wondered whether "We'd love to have you over for dinner" meant that the host was providing food. That's just how it went. If someone invited you over for dinner and said "and by the way we'll be serving food", you'd have been scratching your head.

Yes, some people have decided that they feel safe going to someone's house, and taking off their masks to eat while together, but not eating the other people's food. There are other people who have drawn the line in other places. It's not a fair assumption that an invitation doesn't include food.

The conversation could easily have gone

"We'd love to have you over for a cookout"

"That sounds great. We've decided to bring our food everywhere we go, so don't worry about cooking for us."

"Oh, thank you for letting us know. The kids are so excited!"



Instead it seems to have gone

"Here's the food we carefully prepared for you."

"What no, we're not eating that."

"Why not?"

"Because of covid, how could you have thought we'd eat your food. No one who is careful around covid shares food. It didn't even occur to us to tell you because everyone knows people bring their own food."

Inside their head "Wow, that sure sounds like she thinks we're not careful, and that we are stupid and don't know things that 'everyone' knows. I won't make a fuss now. Besides maybe they told DH and he didn't tell me".

Later, after checking with DH, emails OP.

OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

This thread is a perfect example of how spending time with extended family is too fraught right now. Don't do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

This. It seems really weird to accept an invitation and then bring all your own stuff. Your SIL didn't say "pot luck" in her invitation so you definitely should have asked before bringing a bunch of stuff for your own consumption (not even sharing!). Sure your SIL shouldn't have sent the email but seems like you started it OP. You owe her the much bigger apology imo.

Nope in times of covid the OP is 100% in the right here

I'm the top PP here, and I'm as covid paranoid as you can get. We probably wouldn't have gone in the OP's circumstances, but if I did go, I would want to clarify whether or not I was going to eat the food. I can't imagine going to someone's house for a meal they've prepared for me, and not tasting a thing, when I could have avoided it by simply saying "We'd love to come. Our preference in the time of COVID is to bring our own food". Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

My guess is that OP's SIL expressed surprise, and that rather than realizing she had been rude and apologizing "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I misunderstood, and here you've gone to all that trouble. Your food looks delicious, but we've made the decision to always bring our own so I'm afraid I can't eat your delicious food. Please accept my apology." She instead implied that there was something wrong with the host for not reading her mind and anticipating that she'd bring her own.

Not the PP but your explanation makes a lot of sense. If OP acted like the SIL was in the wrong and if OP was blase and just generally unappreciative of the SIL's efforts then I can see how her feelings would be hurt. The SIL was trying to do something nice and it was thrown back in her face and made to look/feel stupid. That's not nice.

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

At the time you issued the invite you should have made your intentions to cook for them clear so they could say "Don't be an idiot - we are not going to eat food made in your kitchen. We'd like to see you but we will bring our own food!" and then you could have said "I find that highly insulting. Are you saying we're not clean?" and then you could have both agreed to not get together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

This. It seems really weird to accept an invitation and then bring all your own stuff. Your SIL didn't say "pot luck" in her invitation so you definitely should have asked before bringing a bunch of stuff for your own consumption (not even sharing!). Sure your SIL shouldn't have sent the email but seems like you started it OP. You owe her the much bigger apology imo.

Nope in times of covid the OP is 100% in the right here

Without asking first? That's just really quite odd. I cannot imagine not asking first. It makes me think OP has poor social skills so perhaps the SIL is frustrated to be constantly having to deal with that and this was the stick that broke the camel's back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

This. It seems really weird to accept an invitation and then bring all your own stuff. Your SIL didn't say "pot luck" in her invitation so you definitely should have asked before bringing a bunch of stuff for your own consumption (not even sharing!). Sure your SIL shouldn't have sent the email but seems like you started it OP. You owe her the much bigger apology imo.

Nope in times of covid the OP is 100% in the right here

I'm the top PP here, and I'm as covid paranoid as you can get. We probably wouldn't have gone in the OP's circumstances, but if I did go, I would want to clarify whether or not I was going to eat the food. I can't imagine going to someone's house for a meal they've prepared for me, and not tasting a thing, when I could have avoided it by simply saying "We'd love to come. Our preference in the time of COVID is to bring our own food". Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

My guess is that OP's SIL expressed surprise, and that rather than realizing she had been rude and apologizing "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I misunderstood, and here you've gone to all that trouble. Your food looks delicious, but we've made the decision to always bring our own so I'm afraid I can't eat your delicious food. Please accept my apology." She instead implied that there was something wrong with the host for not reading her mind and anticipating that she'd bring her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

This. It seems really weird to accept an invitation and then bring all your own stuff. Your SIL didn't say "pot luck" in her invitation so you definitely should have asked before bringing a bunch of stuff for your own consumption (not even sharing!). Sure your SIL shouldn't have sent the email but seems like you started it OP. You owe her the much bigger apology imo.

Nope in times of covid the OP is 100% in the right here

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. You did right.

You don't think it would be right to mention that you're bringing your own food before someone cooks for you?

This! It would be like inviting people to movie night and telling them to bring their own couch.