We talk about dying alot. My mom died when my kids were young, we talk about her and how her body isn't here but we still remember her. We also talk about it scientifically, how trees die and enrich the soil for new plants to grow. How everything dies and how everything start small. It's part of casual conversation around here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD will be 4 in October. About a week ago, she declared "we'll have doggy forever!" We really don't like lying to her about that stuff, so we said no. She asked why. We said he'll die one day. We explained that his body will stop working and he'll be gone. She said she wants to get a new doggy just like the old one. We said that would be nice.

Since then, she's asked about dying a lot. Asked if people die -- we said yes. Asked what that means -- we said your body stops working and you're gone. Asked where we go. We said heaven. She got really upset and started crying, saying "I want to be with mommy and daddy forever!" We said it won't happen for a really long time.

I don't know if we said the right thing or not.

Help?

You lied to your daughter about being with her for a long time. You don’t know.

You should have let the innocent remark go about having a puppy forever instead of trying to make a point. You got yourself into this mess.

Get the book:
https://www.amazon.com/City-Dog-Country-Frog-Willems/dp/1423103009

Just read and enjoy and don’t bring things up that are irrelevant.

Was I supposed to say "we could die at any time?" She'd flip out.

Op, she wasn’t asking about death. You brought up death which brought up upsetting questions on her part. You make a big deal about not lying then lied about something huge. If you told her heaven, then you stick with that narrative.

We had the mr. rogers book when a pet dies and others that deal with the cycle of life from scientific perspective. After a neighbor died, my 3.5 year old asked me what happens after we die. I asked, what do you think happens? He told me his thoughts. We’re not a religious family and don’t talk about heaven. He described a house where we would all meet up. I said, sounds good to me.

I explained to DD that all living things die and that is a part of life. And that they after things die they live on in our hearts and memories and we can remember them. It upset her and she cried about mommy and daddy dying one day and I said that most people don’t die until they are old and have lived a long life so she didn’t need to worry about that, and that even if mommy dies she would always be with you forever in your heart and that mommy’s love is forever and forever. And that it’s sad when people the and animals and things we love die and it’s okay to feel sad. Then I got copies of the book the InVisible String and Badger’s parting gift and we read them and talked about what was in the stories. She asked me what happens after we die and I explained how people’s bodies don’t work anymore and what made them special is gone (their soul) so their bodies are buried in cemeteries and then we can go there and bring flowers and remember them and talk about happy memories and visit their graves. She asked again what happened (I think not understanding the soul piece) so I told her different people believe different things and some people believe your soul, or the special things that make you you, goes to a special place called heaven.

This is a hard topic because you have to balance between being matter of fact with kids while also not stoking fears. But the reality is that death is a part of life and it’s better to get kids aware of the reality when they start asking questions instead of obfuscating the truth. My own parents hid death from me and refused to take me to funerals of family members and even a young friend who died when I was old enough to go. I get that they were trying to shield me but It ended up giving me a pretty big fear of death because it was not treated as a normal part of living but something we couldn’t talk about or experience and was left to the realm of adults. So I’m trying to normalize it more with our kids and after a few weeks of fascination our DD has moved on and stopped talking and asking questions about it.

Anonymous wrote:While you did , fine, and didn't do anything wrong. I think you missed what she was actually saying. She was not seeking a conversation about life and death, she was expressing how much she loved your dog.

So while, you said nothing wring a simple " We love doggy too, she's so funny/" would have sufficed.

+1. This is what I was thinking. Your explanation of death was fine and age appropriate but it didn’t need to be addressed just because she said “well have doggy forever!” I don’t lie to my kids either. But I also try not to jump in to explain in situations where they didn’t directly ask about a topic.

Through experience. We had three cats and my mom die the year DS was 2-3, so we talked a lot about how bodies stop working. Some creatures decompose where they die (we’ve watched a bird decompose for a few weeks now), others get buried underground or turned into ashes. He’s now experienced all of that at 4. We also talk a lot about dead family and friends to keep their memories alive. We have my old dog’s ashes (DS never met the dog but talks about him a lot). We scattered grandma’s ashes at the beach and planted a “grandma tree” where he leaves little treasures. We visit cemeteries. Experience really is the best teacher.