Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I have a different take on this. It sounds like you have a vision for what it means to be an "adult" and you just assume that everyone has to do these things. These things are not required. You do not have to have curtains. You do not have to have shelves - you can pile books on the floor if you want. You do not need decor. You can buy household supplies at the grocery store as needed. You can have have takeout for dinner every night. You can do all these things and still be a responsible adult. I think step one is to recognize that his vision for life is 100% valid. Just because lots of people do things your way doesn't mean your way is objectively "right" - and I say this as someone who lives the way you want to.

Once you accept that both of your approaches to adult life are valid, then you have the face the fact that you're getting your way a huge amount of the time by constantly pushing and prodding him, and that is massively unfair. It sounds like you're unhappy pushing him, and he's VERY unhappy with this lifestyle that you've chosen for him, and you're both getting resentful.

So. Back up.

First of all, it seems you have a very good vision of how life your way would work. Great. Now - how would life his way work? Do you have a full vision for it? This is particularly important if you want or have small children. If the choice was entirely up to him, how would he handle food for the family with two kids? Would he still want takeout sandwiches every night for dinner? What about things like laundry? What's his approach there? Once you have a full view of how he would want your lives to look, it's compromise time. You do NOT get a happy marriage with this man where your home life looks like your vision. Where can you compromise? What's important to you? What stuff can you do independently? Maybe part of the answer is that things around the house that are optional are your responsibility, like hanging curtains and making shelves. Maybe there are some things you can do his way - might be reasonable to just decide to be family that doesn't cook and only eats out. Maybe there are some things he'd be willing to do your way.

Bottom line - if you want this marriage to succeed, you need to accept his preferences as valid, and move more towards his way of living. Or, accept that this is a truly irreconcilable difference, and split up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

I promise he does not have ADHD nor autism spectrum. He plans ahead for work conferences and other long term responsibilities all the time. He just doesn’t LIKE having home responsibilities and commitments that lock him in if it doesn’t have to do with work.

Anonymous wrote:When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

Anonymous wrote:You know your spouse best, of course, but please understand that having ADHD means you prioritize certain things because you can’t do it all. I have mild ADHD and I can get it together for work, like many people with ADHD, because it’s really important, and I can focus on things I love to do, but at home I fall apart and my house is a mess, because I hate tidying up and cleaning. ADHD means not having enough “bandwidth” to stay on top of typical sorting and organizational demands of the average person. Also, there is significant overlap in symptoms between inattentive ADHD and high-functioning autism, do sometimes it’s hard to tease out which is which... or sometimes, they’re comorbid.

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. It wasn't so apparent when we were growing up (she was UMC), but when she married someone just like her it got really intense. Living like grad students is very true. I love my best friend and I'm just mystified by her lifestyle. Every few years they just pack up the car and move to another city. They don't bring belongings. Everything is sparse in their homes, but it's because they want it that way and not poverty. He only wears white button downs. They eschew all adult responsibilities. Conversations get stranger every time I see them, such as: Why do you go to work? Are you just working to retire? Why pay taxes? She had their children at home, they homeschool and work just enough for food. They do have successful careers, and their careers allow them to pick up extra work if they want it.

I read a book once called "possum living" and it really summed up their lifestyle. I think what annoys me is that they're essentially using services that the rest of us pay for with taxes.

I hope your husband will change once your baby is born. "Nightly dinner sandwich" doesn't cut it when you need to eat as a family every night together. It seems like your husband wants to be more free spirited, so maybe you could do something that makes him feel that way. If he just keeps building up resentment, it will get worse. Also, he's probably feeling a bit tied down by the baby already. He doesn't know what it will be like and might be worried. I've heard lots of new dads say things like that

What services are those?