Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go back unless my DH was really on board. I’m not interested in working a second shift.

This is essential.

Agreed, and you have to really talk about what it means. My DH is always "on board" when I talk about returning to work, but it is hard to get him to commit to taking on specific responsibilities at home. We have had to really talk through each step of it as I've started part-time. Like he has a tendency to say "Just let me know when you need me to do something and I will!" But what I actually need is for him to take on a whole responsibility, not for me to have to keep track of everything and then make a special request when I "need help."

It's been challenging, but we are getting there. The thing is, I don't think this is about him trying to sabotage my return to work at all -- I genuinely think he supports me in that and wants me to be happy and likes having two incomes. Instead, I think it's just run of the mill laziness and him not wanting to commit to, say, being on dinner duty three nights a week because there will days when he really doesn't want to do it. But we talk a lot about keeping our expectations low for each other (dinner duty can be grilled cheese, it can be a frozen pizza, everyone has days when they just can't, there's no judgment) and keep communicating so no one starts feeling resentful or like the other person isn't doing their fair share.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go back unless my DH was really on board. I’m not interested in working a second shift.

This is essential.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was working when my kids were in daycare... came home when they were all in school. I found the demands of having school-age kids (homework, school closures, activities) to be more demanding and less out-source-able than the demands of having younger kids.

Serious question from someone with younger kids...how does that work. Once they are at school 6-7 hours a day, how is that busier. Isn't all that stuff concentrated into after school (late afternoon, evening, weekends)? I was looking forward to having more energy, not less.

She’s making it up. It’s way easier once they go to school and you have so much more free time. Some women need to justify themselves not working...

And some people can only see other people as a batteries rather than human beings, and they are upset if someone is not putting out maximum output.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was working when my kids were in daycare... came home when they were all in school. I found the demands of having school-age kids (homework, school closures, activities) to be more demanding and less out-source-able than the demands of having younger kids.

Serious question from someone with younger kids...how does that work. Once they are at school 6-7 hours a day, how is that busier. Isn't all that stuff concentrated into after school (late afternoon, evening, weekends)? I was looking forward to having more energy, not less.

She’s making it up. It’s way easier once they go to school and you have so much more free time. Some women need to justify themselves not working...

This is PP above. I’m not making it up. I was working a demanding job (50 hours a week when my eldest was in 2nd grade and it all fell apart. She started getting stress stomach aches at school, I was being called daily by the nurse’s office. If I put her in aftercare, the homework wasn’t get done and we’d be up until 9 getting it all done plus school projects every weekend. Even with a helpful husband it was madness. We realized we either needed a nanny who was a decent teacher or a parent at home (at least half time). I ended up resigning and took a very part-time job.

Yep,same here, I posted my story above. Pp is not interested in facts or experiences, and just has a chip on their shoulder.

If you can afford individual high quality care and to outsource a hell of a lot, it is easier to work. If you can't outsource a lot and you have to do group care then my advice is to be sure they go to a no-homework school and limit their evening activities. You can't pick your kid but you can make these choices and they will help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was working when my kids were in daycare... came home when they were all in school. I found the demands of having school-age kids (homework, school closures, activities) to be more demanding and less out-source-able than the demands of having younger kids.

Serious question from someone with younger kids...how does that work. Once they are at school 6-7 hours a day, how is that busier. Isn't all that stuff concentrated into after school (late afternoon, evening, weekends)? I was looking forward to having more energy, not less.

She’s making it up. It’s way easier once they go to school and you have so much more free time. Some women need to justify themselves not working...

This is PP above. I’m not making it up. I was working a demanding job (50 hours a week when my eldest was in 2nd grade and it all fell apart. She started getting stress stomach aches at school, I was being called daily by the nurse’s office. If I put her in aftercare, the homework wasn’t get done and we’d be up until 9 getting it all done plus school projects every weekend. Even with a helpful husband it was madness. We realized we either needed a nanny who was a decent teacher or a parent at home (at least half time). I ended up resigning and took a very part-time job.

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing more challenging or important than the formative years of infancy to 3. I think all you that outsource care during those years but need to be home while they are in third grade are such a lazy bunch.

Kids will not remember you being home 0-3, but they will remember if you are home elementary-high school. Kids need you more, not less. They may be able to do more for themselves but they still need, want active and involved parents. You are lazy to think you can just stop parenting older kids. I didn't find the 0-3 very challenging and I had a special needs kid with lots of therapies so I had no choice but to stay home. I find the need is far greater later on. But, maybe if your kids don't want you around, its you. Mine want me at every school party, concert, any activity they do, etc.

There is nothing more challenging or important than the formative years of infancy to 3. I think all you that outsource care during those years but need to be home while they are in third grade are such a lazy bunch.

I left my FT, WOH job after DC was born. I actually went back for a while after maternity leave, but our nanny share fell apart, we couldn't find a daycare that was close to our house or either of our jobs, and my job had been a nightmare since I'd returned (I was pumping milk in a supply closet, my boss was flipping out if I asked to work a slightly adjusted schedule so I could be home in time to relieve the nanny, etc.). So it wasn't exactly my choice to SAH but everything got much, much easier when I did.

Now DC is starting school soon (well, whenever school is in-person again), and I am already lining up work. I've learned from my last job and will only take a job that allows me flexibility. I started a part time, freelance, WFH position earlier this year to test the waters. It's been great, and I've already started talking about stepping up my hours when DC is in school. My goal is to work about 25-30 hours a week, giving me some extra time during the week to be with DC and to also just have some time to myself. Plus, my income will help us afford activities and summer camp for DC, which is good for DC and also good for me because again, more time.

I loved SAH with DC, even though it wasn't planned. I would never get that time back and while I very much respect all WOH parents, I'm personally glad I didn't spend those years in a job I didn't like very much while DC was in a childcare situation that also wasn't great. But wow do I look forward to having more independence and alone time, and to making more money and spending more time talking to adults about what DC calls "grown up things." I miss grown up things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was working when my kids were in daycare... came home when they were all in school. I found the demands of having school-age kids (homework, school closures, activities) to be more demanding and less out-source-able than the demands of having younger kids.

Serious question from someone with younger kids...how does that work. Once they are at school 6-7 hours a day, how is that busier. Isn't all that stuff concentrated into after school (late afternoon, evening, weekends)? I was looking forward to having more energy, not less.

She’s making it up. It’s way easier once they go to school and you have so much more free time. Some women need to justify themselves not working...

You do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping during the day but after school we have tons of activities for the kids and taking care of elderly relatives. There is plenty. I don't need to justify why I'm not working and I don't have to. It is between my husband and I.

I didn't go back to work. I had to take care of my MIL and there was no way for me to work in my profession and be available for my child given my past experiences. There is still plenty to do.

Anonymous wrote:This year younger kid was supposed to be my return to the workforce. Younger kid is starting k. I’m not even bothering to look right now.

This is me. Covid has put my return to work plan back at least a year. I know my DH would like me to push it back a few more years. It really is less hectic to have a sahp but I think I’ll be ready.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was working when my kids were in daycare... came home when they were all in school. I found the demands of having school-age kids (homework, school closures, activities) to be more demanding and less out-source-able than the demands of having younger kids.

Serious question from someone with younger kids...how does that work. Once they are at school 6-7 hours a day, how is that busier. Isn't all that stuff concentrated into after school (late afternoon, evening, weekends)? I was looking forward to having more energy, not less.

She’s making it up. It’s way easier once they go to school and you have so much more free time. Some women need to justify themselves not working...

Agree the juggle is tough once schools starts but ONLY if you have an inflexible job.

Pre COVID I WFH at least 2x and often 3 days a week which was helpful. They are in school/commuting on the bus or whatever for like 36 hours so that is when I'd get most of my work done. They did aftercare 2x a week which they liked - stayed at school and the after care program had clubs, activities etc.

I'd usually be able to come home by 5 or so on days I did go in. But yes, flex is key. The one silver lining of COVID is I'll likely never go into an office again, or at least not for years. My company was already WFH friendly and now they are totally rethinking space. So, I'd encourage SAHMs who want to look to look - you'll probably be in a very WFH friendly job.

My DH makes vague random comments about wanting me to go back to work. But doesn’t give any real indications about things he is personally willing to change/take responsibility for if I do. We have more than enough money and I’d prefer to stay home, so that’s what I plan to do. If he gets noisier I’m willing to discuss it, but he’s going to have to step up big time and ultimately don’t think he wants to.

I’m unsure. My DH doesn’t care either way.

I’m a nurse and would never go back to shift work and I have no interest in getting my masters degree or beyond at this point. If I found a position that worked with my children’s schedule and was very part time I would consider it- county health dept perhaps or sleep away camp nurse at the camp my children attend.

But realistically I probably won’t go back. I would be going back for my own benefit and the joy of what I would doing- not any financial gain. At this point though- it seems like an added stressor no matter how I spin it. I will re-evaluate what is out there once school schedules return to normal and the pandemic is over. I would also be perfectly happy to volunteer at the public library regularly.