I would start with realizing that the kids are close relatives that I would plan to maintain lifelong positive relationships with. If I had a positive relationship with my in-law(s),I would feel the same way about them. If I didn’t, I would do my best to maintain cordial relationships for the sake of my relationships with the kids. “Loyalty” to a sibling wouldn’t supersede my positive relationships with other members of my family — and that would include my sibling’s kids.
In this case I would be even more inclined to foster positive relationships with the kids. I think it’s on the family to reach out and assure the in-laws that they are, indeed, considered “family”.

Talking shit about my BILs awful new wife is a great way to connect with my ex-SIL. Okay, probably not the best karma... but exSIL deserved better and dodged a bullet by getting out.

Mostly I just stay interested in what is going on with my nephews, like and comment on her Facebook posts, send gifts to the boys, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

Your sibling is your sibling. If their own family can't be loyal to them no one else in the world will be.

I'm not saying don't be polite and civil to the former sister in law. I'm saying your primary responsibility is to your sibling. Her family is her family. His is his.
Who will he turn to if his family abandons him? No one. It's dooming him to a crappy rest of his life to take his wife's side. No matter what.

Eff that. You do not have to like someone just because you have the same parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my brother is an alcoholic and also is a pill popper. My SIL just left him and I could not be happier for her! This is the beginning of the rest of her life and will be great for my nephew. I talk to my SIL daily. Like 3xs a day. She is my sister as far as I'm concerned and always will be. I no longer talk to by brother. His addiction causes him to be a nasty nasty person. Now that I don't need him to see my nephew he is dead to me unless he cleans up his act.

I would look at OP's situation as similar to this. Divorcing is creating a better environment for the kids. Sounds like she was/is as supportive of her ex as possible At some point you have to save yourself. I'm not friendly with my brother's ex, but in OP's situation I would be.

This.

You make your family.

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

If this woman is standing by your brother, but from the safe distance of outside the marriage, you treat her like you always have.

I have an aunt who was married and later divorced from an alcoholic. She divorced for security and safety for her self and her child. She didn't divorce because she didn't love him anymore. She remained part of the ex-family until his untimely death. But she was able to save for retirement and raise their daughter in safety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

Your sibling is your sibling. If their own family can't be loyal to them no one else in the world will be.

I'm not saying don't be polite and civil to the former sister in law. I'm saying your primary responsibility is to your sibling. Her family is her family. His is his.
Who will he turn to if his family abandons him? No one. It's dooming him to a crappy rest of his life to take his wife's side. No matter what.

You do you. I don’t condone alcoholics, drug addicts and adulterers simply because they are family.

My parents enabled all kinds of bad behavior on the part of my brother. They treated him like he could do no wrong and made him a selfish brat who abandoned his own children and left their home to cavort with prostitutes in a different state. Got in trouble with the law in more than one jurisdiction and in more than one country. He ended up remarrying rather quickly, in a 90 day fiancee type of arrangement with someone from a developing country he "met" on social media. It's not clear how long that will last once she gets her green card and her bearings in the USA. Much more could be said about his poor choices but it would be too revelatory. I don't blame his ex for wanting out, and I feel sorry for his children. My mother will always take his side against anyone in any argument, so for now he has one surefire enabler.

Anonymous wrote:my brother is an alcoholic and also is a pill popper. My SIL just left him and I could not be happier for her! This is the beginning of the rest of her life and will be great for my nephew. I talk to my SIL daily. Like 3xs a day. She is my sister as far as I'm concerned and always will be. I no longer talk to by brother. His addiction causes him to be a nasty nasty person. Now that I don't need him to see my nephew he is dead to me unless he cleans up his act.

I would look at OP's situation as similar to this. Divorcing is creating a better environment for the kids. Sounds like she was/is as supportive of her ex as possible At some point you have to save yourself. I'm not friendly with my brother's ex, but in OP's situation I would be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

Your sibling is your sibling. If their own family can't be loyal to them no one else in the world will be.

I'm not saying don't be polite and civil to the former sister in law. I'm saying your primary responsibility is to your sibling. Her family is her family. His is his.
Who will he turn to if his family abandons him? No one. It's dooming him to a crappy rest of his life to take his wife's side. No matter what.

NP. Maybe my sibling shouldn't be such a spectacularly awful person. Don't run away to the other side of the country with your amateur porn actress affair partner who you got pregnant, withdraw every bit of cash from your joint accounts, liquidate your retirement account, leaving your wife with two small children, no money, no idea where you are, and cherry on the sundae, to find out the house is in foreclosure because you used the last 6 months of mortgage money to start a new bank account your wife has no idea about to finance your new life with your soul mate.

My sibling made his bed, he can lie it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

Your sibling is your sibling. If their own family can't be loyal to them no one else in the world will be.

I'm not saying don't be polite and civil to the former sister in law. I'm saying your primary responsibility is to your sibling. Her family is her family. His is his.
Who will he turn to if his family abandons him? No one. It's dooming him to a crappy rest of his life to take his wife's side. No matter what.

You do you. I don’t condone alcoholics, drug addicts and adulterers simply because they are family.

Anonymous wrote:It's so tough OP. My sister is a complete narcissist. We much preferred BIL and they only time my husband and I could stand spending time with my sister was with him. She was horrible to him and the divorce is a mess. I don';t plan to have a relationship with my sister, but to avoid drama, I cannot be friends with him other than I am happy to come to events he hosts with our nieces.

Wow, I could have written this. My sister is a scary woman and my BIL is a good guy. And now with the divorce, my parents are rewriting history. PP, I wish I could talk to you in real life!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

Your sibling is your sibling. If their own family can't be loyal to them no one else in the world will be.

I'm not saying don't be polite and civil to the former sister in law. I'm saying your primary responsibility is to your sibling. Her family is her family. His is his.
Who will he turn to if his family abandons him? No one. It's dooming him to a crappy rest of his life to take his wife's side. No matter what.

I'm the PP and wanted to add that it's about the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How would you feel if your family abandoned you? Truly?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

Your sibling is your sibling. If their own family can't be loyal to them no one else in the world will be.

I'm not saying don't be polite and civil to the former sister in law. I'm saying your primary responsibility is to your sibling. Her family is her family. His is his.
Who will he turn to if his family abandons him? No one. It's dooming him to a crappy rest of his life to take his wife's side. No matter what.

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

This is not a blind rule.

My family remained on good relations with my aunt after she left their son (completely justified IMO). Thanks to that we were able to have a good relationship with our cousins.

I'm very friendly with my ex-SIL. She is a wonderful person, and I consider her a friend.