Anonymous
08/16/2020 11:17
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I asked this because my ex allowed our daughter to spend the night at his sister’s boyfriend’s house. I didn’t find out until I was on my way to pick her up. I told him he should’ve talked to me first. I don’t know his sister’s boyfriend and I’m not comfortable with my daughter spending the night at a stranger’s house. He thinks I’m overreacting and it’s not a big deal because he knows him. I still believe he should’ve spoken to me about this first.
Whether or not he has to discuss it with you depends on your custody agreement. I agree I would feel uneasy about that was he with her?
Some people negotiate right of first refusal or certain people that they are allowed to stay with in custody agreements but that is not the default
Anonymous
08/16/2020 06:33
Subject: If you share custody
You can’t control him. You are divorced. It’s whatever hour divorce agreement says. The right of first refusal will be spelled out in the agreement if you have one. It definitely sucks but beyond voicing your opinion he didn’t do anything wrong if you don’t have the right of first refusal.
Anonymous
08/13/2020 09:36
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I asked this because my ex allowed our daughter to spend the night at his sister’s boyfriend’s house. I didn’t find out until I was on my way to pick her up. I told him he should’ve talked to me first. I don’t know his sister’s boyfriend and I’m not comfortable with my daughter spending the night at a stranger’s house. He thinks I’m overreacting and it’s not a big deal because he knows him. I still believe he should’ve spoken to me about this first.
You are overreacting and it’s not a big deal and you don’t get a say when it’s time with dad. The end.
That is not entirely true.
My divorce agreement has a right of first refusal clause. If he is going to be away from our child for more than 3 hours or any amount of time overnight, he has to offer me the time before so much as hiring a babysitter. I have to do the same. The only times I've had to invoke this clause were when he traveled for work and tried to leave our child with his girlfriend. It happened a few times, with a few different girlfriends, none of whom was in his/DD's life for more than a couple months.
I don't get to tell him what to feed her for dinner, but if he is going to leave her overnight with anyone, he has to offer me the time first. If I am not available, he is welcome to do whatever he wants, but if I am available, he can't send her anywhere other than my house or his, with him in it.
Same clause with me. My ex-wife did the same thing with her new BF and I wasn't comfortable with him around my kids so had to inform her politely that I am available and it's not good for the kids. She also got drunk one night at a party at her BF's place and made kids (5 and 7) sleep in another room on their own. Kids didn't know where their mom were and got scared.
I understand no interference and completely follows it but I only reach out to her when incidents like this happen. It's hard to not speak up when it is such a huge inconvenience or negligence for my kids. She did the same thing and introduced her next BF to kids within 6 weeks.
Anonymous
08/12/2020 21:26
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I asked this because my ex allowed our daughter to spend the night at his sister’s boyfriend’s house. I didn’t find out until I was on my way to pick her up. I told him he should’ve talked to me first. I don’t know his sister’s boyfriend and I’m not comfortable with my daughter spending the night at a stranger’s house. He thinks I’m overreacting and it’s not a big deal because he knows him. I still believe he should’ve spoken to me about this first.
You are overreacting and it’s not a big deal and you don’t get a say when it’s time with dad. The end.
That is not entirely true.
My divorce agreement has a right of first refusal clause. If he is going to be away from our child for more than 3 hours or any amount of time overnight, he has to offer me the time before so much as hiring a babysitter. I have to do the same. The only times I've had to invoke this clause were when he traveled for work and tried to leave our child with his girlfriend. It happened a few times, with a few different girlfriends, none of whom was in his/DD's life for more than a couple months.
I don't get to tell him what to feed her for dinner, but if he is going to leave her overnight with anyone, he has to offer me the time first. If I am not available, he is welcome to do whatever he wants, but if I am available, he can't send her anywhere other than my house or his, with him in it.
Anonymous
08/12/2020 20:31
Subject: Re:If you share custody
I think he should have given you the chance to have her.
Anonymous
08/12/2020 14:36
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I asked this because my ex allowed our daughter to spend the night at his sister’s boyfriend’s house. I didn’t find out until I was on my way to pick her up. I told him he should’ve talked to me first. I don’t know his sister’s boyfriend and I’m not comfortable with my daughter spending the night at a stranger’s house. He thinks I’m overreacting and it’s not a big deal because he knows him. I still believe he should’ve spoken to me about this first.
Not only would I not be okay with this, my daughter would be outfitted with a phone to call me to come and pick her up.
Anonymous
08/12/2020 14:34
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed that many of you think it’s okay for a girl to spend that night at a grown man’s (that’s not family) house. This is how children get raped/molested.
I'm with you.
What are the circumstances OP? Was your child's aunt there? Were there other kids?
Anonymous
08/12/2020 12:46
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No, you are not over reacting. If you are in VA, then your ex should have informed you as a first right of refusal for anything more than 3 hours of stay without her.
It is definitely not OK for your daughter to spend time with her aunt's BF. Your ex sounds like a terrible mother and these kinds of situations create other bad incidents. Sorry OP, that you are dealing with a negligent ex.
None of the above is actually accurate.
Really? I am sure a judge would not look at this very kindly. I agree with the PP, this is serious negligence.
Anonymous
08/12/2020 12:15
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I typically give my ex the right of first refusal if I can’t be with them.
So you wouldn’t let your child stay with one of your friends or relatives when it’s your time without consulting your ex first?
Relatives, yes. Friends, no - unless it's a sleepover with a friend.
Anonymous
08/12/2020 06:55
Subject: If you share custody
I think the varying responses here are saying something. Basically that this is the kind of thing where it’s legit to be annoyed and ask him not to do it again, but you would be overreacting if you went nuclear and made a giant case out of it. Different people have different comfort levels with this stuff, he should respect your wishes and comfort level in the future, you should understand that he might not have known how important it is to you
Anonymous
08/11/2020 16:00
Subject: If you share custody
I’m amazed that many of you think it’s okay for a girl to spend that night at a grown man’s (that’s not family) house. This is how children get raped/molested.
Anonymous
08/11/2020 15:59
Subject: If you share custody
Anonymous wrote:No, you are not over reacting. If you are in VA, then your ex should have informed you as a first right of refusal for anything more than 3 hours of stay without her.
It is definitely not OK for your daughter to spend time with her aunt's BF. Your ex sounds like a terrible mother and these kinds of situations create other bad incidents. Sorry OP, that you are dealing with a negligent ex.
None of the above is actually accurate.