Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 14:20     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:DCUM, help me to paint this sad childhood in a light, humorous way, for sanity's sake. So I can be able to share it with others without bringing people down and garnering pity and awkwardness all around. I have always felt like I can not show people the real me, and you know what, I'm getting too old for this. I don't want to go through my whole life hiding part of myself. I want to be whole. I have this envy with comedians who are able to talk about some pretty dark stuff in their past, and make it funny. It must feel cathartic. To share that, and have people hear that part of your experience, and not judge you, but to share a laugh about it.

Here is the general picture. My dad had a sad life. My mom had a sad life. Lot of loss, poverty, physical abuse, alcoholism. My sibling and I had a sad life -less sad than theirs, but still. Dad was verbally and physically abusive and ultra-controlling to us, probably a narcissist. We were lashed severely for the smallest infractions. We lived in constant terror and fear of our lives. Mom, always miserable and detached. My sibling and I had no voice, no identities, no freedoms, no allowances for feelings, no preferences. We were lazy, disappointing, uninteresting, boring, cold, loveless, spoiled, ungrateful, we didn't walk right, we didn't talk right, we didn't sit right, we couldn't do anything right. We were not allowed to socialize with our peers, except for a couple "approved" friends.

The thing is, no one knows this part of my past except my sibling, and our spouses. If you met me, you'd never know. On the surface, I seem pretty well put together, have a decent marriage, happy, well-adjusted kids. I've hinted to my friends about strict parents, but never told the whole story. And so I always feel like there is sort of a wall between me and everyone else, a part of myself that I hide. I feel like there is this well of sadness in my soul. And I feel like I need to be able to just package it somehow so that it is more palatable, less awkward and awful, and better yet, FUNNY. But how???



Instead of repackaging it, I think you would be much better off resolving what sounds like depression. I had some pretty horrific things happen to me when I was a child and I don't feel a "well of sadness in my soul," rather I feel that it is what it is. What you're describing sounds like deep seated depression and you need to reconcile that in order to feel happier. A good therapist can help you with this. Hugs.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 12:54     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.


It's hard to grow close to fiends without EVER saying anything about your parents or childhood. Where'd you grow up? Oh, do your parents still live there? Do you see your parents often? Are your parents coming to visit the new baby/for your son's birthday? Oh I went there on a family vacation when I was 8 - where'd you go on family vacations? All totally innocent things to ask.


8:33 here. None of the questions you posed require someone to get into the emotional baggage of their childhood. When I'm asked these types of questions, it's enough to say that I had a rough upbringing and, when my father was alive, that we no longer had a relationship. There are many reasons why someone had a rough upbringing, many reasons why you wouldn't have contact with relations. For the most part, people accept that and don't pry. Those that don't accept it or attempt to pry really aren't friend-worthy.

I wouldn't consider 'where did you grow up?' or 'where'd you go on family vacations?' to be private questions. I grew up in X state and we didn't usually take family vacations. I do not disclose that when we did take vacations it was hell on earth. I 'edit'.


Seriously. OP, try just answering questions honestly as a starting place. "Do you go back to your hometown much?" "No, I don't have contact with that side of the family." "Why not?" "All sorts of abuse and dysfunction." I give calm, matter-of-fact answers about my own family of origin/childhood all the time btw. A 30-minute explanation and a comedy routine is really not what people are looking for here nor what will probably make whatever is bothering you feel better.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 12:49     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.


It's hard to grow close to fiends without EVER saying anything about your parents or childhood. Where'd you grow up? Oh, do your parents still live there? Do you see your parents often? Are your parents coming to visit the new baby/for your son's birthday? Oh I went there on a family vacation when I was 8 - where'd you go on family vacations? All totally innocent things to ask.


8:33 here. None of the questions you posed require someone to get into the emotional baggage of their childhood. When I'm asked these types of questions, it's enough to say that I had a rough upbringing and, when my father was alive, that we no longer had a relationship. There are many reasons why someone had a rough upbringing, many reasons why you wouldn't have contact with relations. For the most part, people accept that and don't pry. Those that don't accept it or attempt to pry really aren't friend-worthy.

I wouldn't consider 'where did you grow up?' or 'where'd you go on family vacations?' to be private questions. I grew up in X state and we didn't usually take family vacations. I do not disclose that when we did take vacations it was hell on earth. I 'edit'.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 12:10     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.


It's hard to grow close to fiends without EVER saying anything about your parents or childhood. Where'd you grow up? Oh, do your parents still live there? Do you see your parents often? Are your parents coming to visit the new baby/for your son's birthday? Oh I went there on a family vacation when I was 8 - where'd you go on family vacations? All totally innocent things to ask.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 09:13     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Just to add - anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend, OP. You don’t need to hide parts of yourself. And it’s also okay not share everything - that’s not the only way to be “known” and understood.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 09:05     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:Truth is everybody has crap in their lives that is painful or stressful. You’d never guess it on meeting or talking with them. Growing up with challenges makes you better at many things - evaluating people you might want to be with, working hard to provide yourself with financial security, putting value on people who treat you well and not hanging with those who don’t for some examples. There is nothing funny about hardships; I get that you’re trying to somehow put some positive perspectives on your life. Don’t need to pretend things were other than they were, but can use lessons learned to build a better life and not repeat mistakes other did towards you.


+1 and OP has broken the cycle and is living a very different life that she’s created for herself and her family; she’s kind, insightful, thoughtful and wise - I can see that just from her posts on this thread. Her children won’t know the pain that she did. If I were her friend, that would speak for itself - who she is as a person - rather than the use of humor (unless of course it’s genuine, in the moment).
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 08:33     Subject: Re:How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
I think it’s easiest to make things “funny” when you have some distance from them, and when you have someone — a family member or a community, to join you in laughing together from the perspective of somewhat shared experiences. ......


This resonated with me as did 04:00's 'editing'. My father was horrific. Like 04:00, I can tell stories from my childhood that seem 'normal' and can be humorous but that's because I edit a lot. My siblings and I do find some humor in our shared experiences, though - most of it in a way that mocks our father. For example, often when my father was in a rage and walking into the house, he'd yell, 'HEY' in this low, long drawn out, intimidating way that was full of anger and menace. It's hard to describe but it filled us with dread, fear and anticipatory anxiety. You knew bad things were about to happen and no matter where you were in the house, you could hear the reverberations. When my older brother moved out, he welcomed us (siblings) into his place by yelling 'HEY' in a tone that was very much like our fathers but with a tinge of mockery. We all responded in the same way. It never failed to bring a smile to everyone's face. When our father died, we started doing it in the home we grew up in - announcing our arrival by yelling 'HEY" in that low, long drawn out way but tinged with mocking laughter.

It's been over 25 years since our father died but we still do it. We really can't laugh about our childhood but saying 'HEY' feels like a big F@ck You to the old man and that makes us all smile. I guess my advice is don't try finding humor in your childhood if that isn't what comes natural to you. Find those things that, ugly as they may be, have given you strength or at least that, like us, allows you to mock someone who made you feel like nothing. Hugs.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2020 04:33     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
I'm sorry, OP, for what you went through.

My childhood was crappy as well but less traumatic than yours.

I believe you never heal from a terrible childhood but now you have your happy family, just concentrate on that. You made it!

You can talk about it if it ever comes in a conversation but I wouldn't bring it up like this.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 23:24     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Triggered by trump too! Realize that my dad is a lot like him in, thankfully, much smaller degrees. But narcissist? Yes! Toddler tantrums? Yes! Misogynistic? Oh yeah. This is a guy who would remark EVERY TIME we were in a car and stuck in traffic that he hoped the traffic was a car accident because it’d be over faster (for us). There are many more examples but this is just a horrible thing to say, periods, but especially knowing that your kids are listening. Geez.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 18:39     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:Read the glass Castle
Get therapy
Understand that parent's are just a couple of schoes who manage to reproduce
Some people aren't good parents/should not have children.

I am sorry that happened to you. Work with a therapist to accept it and move past it. What did it teach you *not* to be?

I found DBT therapy helpful. www.insteppc.com


Reading what OP wrote, The Glass Castle immediately came to mind. Definitely the book, skip the movie.

I second therapy. I wish I had done it when I was younger, before getting entrenched in some ways of viewing myself and my self worth.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 18:31     Subject: Re:How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Nothing to add, but 04:00’s post is awesome.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 17:47     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Anonymous wrote:04:00, thank you for painting a picture through your writing. Very well done.

OP, I had the opposite problem, and I didn't resolve it until my mid-30s. I grew up joking about my upbringing to the extent of ignoring the trauma and compartmentalizing it in an emotionally unhealthy way. Therapy helped me tremendously.

08:52, I, too, am triggered by Trump. I think he does that to a lot of people. When Paula Reid recently called him out on his lies, his facial expressions before he walked off made my hair stand on end.


Oh honey. A LOT of us are triggered by Trump. Psychologists have written articles on this. He's so horrible in so many different ways, that he manages to offend people who have all different kinds of issues. People who've been sexually assaulted, people who are Puerto Rican, people who have some close personal tie to Mt. Rushmore, people who jumped through hoops to be allowed to vote, people who've had relatives die of Covid, people who've been assaulted or had relatives killed by the police, people who are Jewish, people who are any minority, people whose fathers have cheated on their mothers, etc. SO many people. You are not alone.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 17:40     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Truth is everybody has crap in their lives that is painful or stressful. You’d never guess it on meeting or talking with them. Growing up with challenges makes you better at many things - evaluating people you might want to be with, working hard to provide yourself with financial security, putting value on people who treat you well and not hanging with those who don’t for some examples. There is nothing funny about hardships; I get that you’re trying to somehow put some positive perspectives on your life. Don’t need to pretend things were other than they were, but can use lessons learned to build a better life and not repeat mistakes other did towards you.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 17:31     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
Read the glass Castle
Get therapy
Understand that parent's are just a couple of schoes who manage to reproduce
Some people aren't good parents/should not have children.

I am sorry that happened to you. Work with a therapist to accept it and move past it. What did it teach you *not* to be?

I found DBT therapy helpful. www.insteppc.com
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2020 17:21     Subject: How to find humor in a crappy childhood?
OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.