And if redirecting to positive things doesn't work, try dropping super bummer things into the conversation: "Wow, there are still children inn cages at the border." or "Did you hearr Canada's ice-shelf is melting now? The future of our planet does not look good." or "Looks like that mean drunk Ellen is being canceled."

NP here. PP, that was useful. Thanks for posting.

I am a constant complainer and have been since childhood

I honestly have to have people point out when I am over complaining because I had heard myself so often and it was a habit that I couldn’t self monitor.

Your mom is likely having the same problem and probably doesn’t see it as complaining but rather as telling you/making conversation. That’s what I used to tell people I got lucky and a brave matter of fact friend said no you can tell me about it without complaining. And she was right but it really took an effort on my part to recognize and then stop myself and switch gears.

You could try matter of fact tell your mom one time that her friends might have stopped reaching out because instead of telling them about herself and life she was just complaining at them. If your mom gets really upset drop it and leave if need be.

she will reflect on what you said even if she doesn’t admit to doing so.

"Mom, I need you to complain less"
"Mom, I can only handle hearing 10 minutes of complaining, each phone call"

Time it. Excuse yourself from the conversation when the time is up (whatever time it is you choose). Talk longer if her behavior is better (which you don't tell her) All you can do is control YOUR frustration. The only way you do that is to empower yourself. And the only power you have is how much time you invest.

OP, you're getting a lot of good advice about redirecting and detaching from your mom. At one point I told my mom flat out that I didn't want to hear her complain about my dad anymore. She got really mad at me. But she did stop. No guarantee your mom would stop complaining so maybe redirecting is the best way.

Anyway, whichever way you do it, the point is for you to stop engaging and stop trying fix her or get her to see your point of view. It will be hard but it will give you space for yourself that you really need. Once you have that space it will be easier for you to feel compassion for your mom. But you can't do it while you feel responsible for her happiness.

Like I often say, it's not hard for us to feel compassion for the anxious old lady who lives down the street because she doesn't control our lives and her feelings don't threaten us. If you can get yourself to the point where you feel separate enough from your mom so that she is in effect like the little old lady down the street, your relationship with her will be better.

Good luck with this. I know how hard it is and I wish you success in coping with it!

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same (has a great life!) - only better after dr prescribed antidepressants.

But that’s different. Your mother has a great life. By comparison, OP’s mom seems to be unfortunately in a much worse position. Antidepressants may help to improve her attitude, but it’s clearly not the only thing that needs to change.

It sounds like she needs to try something new. Put herself out there and start dating again, or at least making friends. Picking up new hobbies. Volunteering. There are many ways to make your life better and sometimes people just need a little encouragement to try. Sometimes they need encouragement and antidepressants, of course.

My 80+ mother is like this. It makes me so I don't want to spend ANY time with her.

I do what other PPs have suggested but guess who gets the brunt of it? MY dad. It's a sad existence for him to hear her bitch all.the.time

Redirect and say you don't want to talk about that. That's the only arsenal you have. She will not change now.