Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 14:05     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
So you don't have kids? And you are guessing how bonding happens? And your friends kids don't look like them? How old are the kids?
This thread is so wrong it is sad and idiotic at the same time.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 14:01     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:The commenters speculating on biracial kids are bothering me, because I have never seen a biracial kid who looked literally nothing like one of the bio parents. I'm sure they exist, like any other relatively rare kid who looks 0% like one of their bio parents, but they seem just as rare.

What I HAVE seen are people who so essentialize based on race that they think a kid with darker/lighter skin and a different hair texture, etc. looks "nothing like" their parent (usually white parent) when that's usually not the case at all.

I have seen so, so many biracial kids of color that look clearly [non-white race] but also really clearly share specific features of their white parent... and no one sees the resemblance. It's baffling. It reminds me of the "black twin/white twin" discourse.

I'm a white mom who grew up in a multiracial family and whose kid is a biracial POC-- but she looks like a [other race] version of me. Same with my cousins of color and other family members, to varying degrees.


I brought it up, and I am sorry it came across this way. It's not a biracial issue really, I should have just said that her kid look nothing like her.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:49     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
I know that it would bother my husband a great deal if our son didn’t look like him but, fortunately(?), that’s not an issue. Our son’s personality is all me and I’m not so sure my husband likes that, either. Too bad, so sad for him.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:43     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
The commenters speculating on biracial kids are bothering me, because I have never seen a biracial kid who looked literally nothing like one of the bio parents. I'm sure they exist, like any other relatively rare kid who looks 0% like one of their bio parents, but they seem just as rare.

What I HAVE seen are people who so essentialize based on race that they think a kid with darker/lighter skin and a different hair texture, etc. looks "nothing like" their parent (usually white parent) when that's usually not the case at all.

I have seen so, so many biracial kids of color that look clearly [non-white race] but also really clearly share specific features of their white parent... and no one sees the resemblance. It's baffling. It reminds me of the "black twin/white twin" discourse.

I'm a white mom who grew up in a multiracial family and whose kid is a biracial POC-- but she looks like a [other race] version of me. Same with my cousins of color and other family members, to varying degrees.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:42     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
My sisters kids look nothing like her. i think it does bother her, though she doesn't say it. One of the daughters has similar coloring and they talk that up a lot but again, looks nothing like her. I think part of the issue too is that my sister is gorgeous so it would have been nice for her genes to carry through-- but oh well!
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:41     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:honestly I think about this sometimes - especially with regard to mixed race couples. It must be so satisfying to have a kid that looks so much like you or shares your traits so completely. I'm a woman so obviously I know my kids are mine (and my husband's) but I see the point you're making.

my kids also look a TON like each other and less like me and DH.


As someone who has this, I can say that it really is not.


My one child has an "improved" version of my personality. It's pretty amazing.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:37     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:honestly I think about this sometimes - especially with regard to mixed race couples. It must be so satisfying to have a kid that looks so much like you or shares your traits so completely. I'm a woman so obviously I know my kids are mine (and my husband's) but I see the point you're making.

my kids also look a TON like each other and less like me and DH.


As someone who has this, I can say that it really is not.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:37     Subject: Re:When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend of a friend has an interracial kid who looks nothing like her. She is pretty open that she struggles with the fact that she does not see herself in her kid.


LOL who could have foreseen that problem...


WTF?

I have biracial kids who definitely look more like my husband. In the summer they also get incredibly dark so look even less like me. I have never once not felt connected to them just because they don't look like me.


The friend is not feeling "not connected" to her kid, she is struggling with not seeing herself in the kid. A different issue, and a not unforeseeable one.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:36     Subject: Re:When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend of a friend has an interracial kid who looks nothing like her. She is pretty open that she struggles with the fact that she does not see herself in her kid.


LOL who could have foreseen that problem...


WTF?

I have biracial kids who definitely look more like my husband. In the summer they also get incredibly dark so look even less like me. I have never once not felt connected to them just because they don't look like me.


The original PP. The LOL comment is WTF indeed. Yet, people's experience are different, if you don't struggle with it, does not mean someone else doesn't. She loves her child and her spouse but wishes she could see herself her child. I am not sure about the connection - we never talked about it. From the outside it's a happy family with a healthy bond and mutual adoration.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:36     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone noticed how funny genes are - in that the kid who looks like you (or spouse) tends to act more like you (or spouse?


it's the opposite in my family. kid who looks like DH and family acts like me and vice versa.


We have one who looks like DH and acts mostly like me, one who looks like her own person (but definitely has influences from both sides of the family, she just doesn't look like DH or I) who acts exactly like DH, and one who is my spitting image and also acts a lot like me.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:34     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
My kids do not look alike and have totally different personalities. As a baby DS#1 looked like DH but not so much now at 17. DS#2, 13, looks like my FIL the most but not so much that anyone says, "hey, he looks like FIL"

DS#2 has my personality, god love him: Type A, impatient, sarcastic, sensitive, competitive. And DS#1 is my husband and my dad: so laid back, super kind, great friend, a helper.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:26     Subject: Re:When bio kids don't look like you
My kids look like my husband. It doesn't affect me, although it was annoying when they were smaller and people would stop us to say "oh, wow, they look just like your husband and nothing like you." Now that seems funny, but I wasn't sleeping much at the time. Honestly, though, if it were the other way around, I think it would bother him.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:04     Subject: Re:When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend of a friend has an interracial kid who looks nothing like her. She is pretty open that she struggles with the fact that she does not see herself in her kid.


LOL who could have foreseen that problem...


WTF?

I have biracial kids who definitely look more like my husband. In the summer they also get incredibly dark so look even less like me. I have never once not felt connected to them just because they don't look like me.
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 13:01     Subject: When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:My friend has bio kids that don't look like him or his wife. The kids all look alike so there is no question if they are theirs biologically. I've just always wondered if it's harder to bond with kids that don't look like you vs. ones who do?

For women, I can see it being easier since women carry, so the questions is aimed at men mainly. Is it easier to bond when they look like you?


Weird, I mean I feel like your asking as if they look like aliens or something! I'm sure they look like a cute mix of your spouse and you. I also think it's more personality related rather than anything else. I am bonded with both children but get on easier with one than the other. Love them both though!!
Anonymous
Post 08/04/2020 12:53     Subject: Re:When bio kids don't look like you
Anonymous wrote:A friend of a friend has an interracial kid who looks nothing like her. She is pretty open that she struggles with the fact that she does not see herself in her kid.


LOL who could have foreseen that problem...