My MIL does this whenever she's around. I really hate it. First of all, I do not need your reinforcement of what I'm saying and secondly, it makes her look ridiculous to the kids. She hasn't a clue about any aspect of their lives and she pops in randomly and mean echos? No ma'am. It has seriously impacted the way the kids view her.

In her case, I think it stems from having control issues and wanting a "do over" of sorts in regard to raising children.


After the first few times I told her very directly that it was not necessary and I would appreciate it if she not do it. I remind her as necessary.

Anonymous wrote:Awe, your husband is supporting you and respecting you. Mine does this.

I ask the kids to get upstairs. They don’t listen. I ask again, they say they are going. I ask again. Nope. The fourth time I say now. Nope they still do t. Then I raise my voice. When my husband hears this, he raises his voice loudly.

He is backing you up! Be happy.

NP. There's a difference between these two scenarios:

1) Mom is just nagging and the kids aren't doing anything, Dad "backs her up" with a sterner "Echo."

2) Mom is telling the kids to do something and they are beginning to comply and Dad sticks his nose in with a harsher and unnecessary "echo."

The first one is still problematic IMO because I don't think parents should stick their noses in to the other's conflict without consent in most cases-- it's condescending and disempowering (and sometimes sexist). They can have conversations at other times if they have problems with the other's communication, so they can get on the same page.

But I think the second is worse, and I've experienced it when DH is stressed. Escalating for no reason when you have things under control.

1. “Time to get ready for bed. Who’s going to be upstairs first?”

2. “Anyone not upstairs in 2 minutes loses a bedtime story.”

3. I remove whatever is keeping them distracted, then I carry/chivvy them upstairs. They lost one story (usually two), but knowing they won’t lose the second unless they backtalk about brushing teeth, bathing or putting on pjs helps.

I agree with a PP. Don’t ask them to go upstairs. Tell them the expectations clearly, and reinforce it with the same routine at the same time every night. I do vary my word choice (“Last one up is the rotten egg. Oh no, I’m the rotten egg!” and “Anyone ready to go up in 30 seconds wins a free pony ride upstairs!” work wonders).

Also, you need to be sure they hear you. That means you need to see their eyes focused on you BEFORE you tell them what the expectation is. You also need their buy in. We mutually agreed that two books every night isn’t too much, and losing one due to not going upstairs is also reasonable. When kids feel they had a say in consequences, AND the consequences are imposed consistently, there’s less pushback. We’re all in this together: they want two books, I want two books, but their choices will decide whether we get two books.

Awe, your husband is supporting you and respecting you. Mine does this.

I ask the kids to get upstairs. They don’t listen. I ask again, they say they are going. I ask again. Nope. The fourth time I say now. Nope they still do t. Then I raise my voice. When my husband hears this, he raises his voice loudly.

He is backing you up! Be happy.

He's backing you up. WAAAAYYYYY better than the alternative.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a wife and I do this to DH sometimes.

But actually, I'm generally equally irritated by my kids and spouse while he stands there nagging them and they ignore him. The kids are still little enough that it makes more sense to literally pick them up and take them up to bed instead of begging and pleading with them. We're in charge! Drives me bonkers.

Either do it yourself or get some headphones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not seeing the problem. DH says: "Listen to your mother!" Which is also a refusal to engage, but in the grand scheme of things, not that big of a deal.

Yes! It's basically an iteration for "Listen to your mother!... Or else!" But I find it totally annoying! It's so half-a**ed!

Yes! And it’s usually done from the couch.

I'm a wife and I do this to DH sometimes.

But actually, I'm generally equally irritated by my kids and spouse while he stands there nagging them and they ignore him. The kids are still little enough that it makes more sense to literally pick them up and take them up to bed instead of begging and pleading with them. We're in charge! Drives me bonkers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s backing you up. Better that than an oblivious and on-present parent.

It also teaches the kids to respect both of you equally.

I'm sure this is what he's thinking. But in practice, it just makes things worse. He also often has the expectation that I back HIM up when he's talking to the kids, but I tend to let him handle things on his own 80% of the time unless he is really struggling.

What’s not working? Do the kids go upstairs after he orders them to or not? You want to spend another 10 minutes arguing back-and-forth with a tween, have at it.

First of all, these are elementary age kids. And yes they go up, but they go up mad and grumpy and fired up ready to fight back all night.

Yeah, you need to deal with that.