Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 14:50     Subject: Re:It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:Serious question: how/why did you marry these men? They seem unmarriageable. I would never put up with this shit.


I think OP and some other posters point is that these issues get worse with age, and/or DH is good and well aware of the importance of hiding the issues, when first meeting someone. Plus, men like this are resistant to change, and mostly refuse to get the help they need. No need to pile it on. And WTH does "unmarriageable" mean??
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 09:14     Subject: Re:It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Serious question: how/why did you marry these men? They seem unmarriageable. I would never put up with this shit.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 09:02     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
I’m sorry OP that you are going through this. It’s h*** for sure.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 09:02     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH has ADHD, and who knows what else. He has outbursts, impulsive issues, anger issues, yells, is just kind of a mess really. We all have to make allowances for his behavioral issues. But if any of us behaves in any sort of way, he has no tolerance and will go on and on about them needing help needing to get it together. For example, this morning my daughter’s big dog jumped on me, it hurt and scared me and I let out a yelp. He’s been on for 20 minutes about me needing to get some control over myself. But yesterday, we were waiting to pick up take out, he literally left, and I said we can’t leave we need to get the food we paid for, and he literally screamed” Are You F* Kidding Me” with the kids Jin the car and everything. But that’s not unusual behavior for him. But we all have to deal with it because he can’t help it or we deserved it or whatever.


For the 20 minute going on and on
He can’t stop himself so step in and do it
You go up to him you look straight in the eye and you say in a low menacing voice “stop now” and don’t break eye contact if he tries
Try it
It’s the shock that will stop the impulsive action and it is the shame that he will feel that will help impart a reminder to stop the next time you become quiet and start to quietly approach him

Sadly it might sound mean or wrong but adhd people literally need someone else at times to tell them when and how to turn it off
They can’t do it on their own or they would do so



PP from above: Yes I had to do that. Many times I had to tell workers and others that “my DH is very ill ...” it’s no way to live.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 08:58     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
OP I was in a similar situation with DH medical condition (dementia). It was the same. This is not a good situation for you, mentally having to suck it up. And REALLY not a good role model for your children. They will pattern this behavior whether you like it or not. They are KIDS. They can’t help it. Your DH sounds out of control and the best you can do for everyone is GET OUT.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 08:56     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:My DH has ADHD, and who knows what else. He has outbursts, impulsive issues, anger issues, yells, is just kind of a mess really. We all have to make allowances for his behavioral issues. But if any of us behaves in any sort of way, he has no tolerance and will go on and on about them needing help needing to get it together. For example, this morning my daughter’s big dog jumped on me, it hurt and scared me and I let out a yelp. He’s been on for 20 minutes about me needing to get some control over myself. But yesterday, we were waiting to pick up take out, he literally left, and I said we can’t leave we need to get the food we paid for, and he literally screamed” Are You F* Kidding Me” with the kids Jin the car and everything. But that’s not unusual behavior for him. But we all have to deal with it because he can’t help it or we deserved it or whatever.


For the 20 minute going on and on
He can’t stop himself so step in and do it
You go up to him you look straight in the eye and you say in a low menacing voice “stop now” and don’t break eye contact if he tries
Try it
It’s the shock that will stop the impulsive action and it is the shame that he will feel that will help impart a reminder to stop the next time you become quiet and start to quietly approach him

Sadly it might sound mean or wrong but adhd people literally need someone else at times to tell them when and how to turn it off
They can’t do it on their own or they would do so
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2020 08:49     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Sounds like an a$$hole hiding behind a adhd diagnosis.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 17:54     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t confuse ADHD with just being an A$$.


+1 - I hate it when people blame ADHD for everything. My son has ADHD inattentive type and displays none of the behavior I see attributed to ADHD on this site, yet he’s lumped into it and all the negativity that comes with it.


ADHD manifests differently in different people. The fact that your inattentive ADHD doesn’t make you lose your temper and have impulsive outbursts is irrelevant. Many people with ADHD have terrible problems with emotional regulation and impulse control. Others don’t.


PP: of course, but people don’t make that distinction when saying how horrible people with ADHD act and that’s not fair to those who don’t act horribly because of ADHD, or not, although ADHD is often blamed for “asshole” behavior.

I’ve read multiple posts over the years about women saying they will warn their daughters not to date anyone with ADHD and that hurts my heart because my child is wonderful – he’s the kindest, most empathetic person I know (literally) and does well with school, so I hate to think he will be judged negatively if a woman finds out he has ADHD, even though he displays none of the “aggressive” traits so often mentioned here.



+ 1 I agree with this as someone with ADHD. It does not help to attribute and excuse poor behavior because it is part of ADHD, or to assume someone being a jerk has ADHD.
It's also a disservice to imply inattentive ADHD isn't harmful, especially when the vast majority of adults experience more inattentive symptoms, and being inattentive does not mean you can't have problems with emotional regulation.


No one is implying that inattentive ADHD isn't harmful. I am the PP who first mentioned emotional regulation and I have inattentive ADHD myself. I do not have difficulty controlling my emotions but my husband does and so do my kids. As stated previously, ADHD manifests differently in different people. That isn't a value judgement, it's a fact. And I worry mightily about my son who is also a wonderful, kind person but has great difficulty with regulating his emotions. The fact that someone has difficulty with emotional control doesn't make them a jerk and it hurts my heart that someone would make that assumption.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 17:38     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:Have you ever called him out on it? Do you call him out on it every time?

I do not have the personality that would allow me to be quiet and sit down and take this sort of behavior - on the few times my husband pulls some bullshit move he is, most definitely, called out on it. He knows he won’t get away with that sort of behavior. To be clear, I’m not always on him and, honestly, am pretty laid back about a lot of things, but a double standard isn’t one of them.


+1

NP here. I have OP's DH and I call him out. DH is aspie, and it is extremely difficult for someone who was never given help, but teased by his own family. Sucks.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 17:25     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
He is abusive, plain and simple. I couldn’t live like that, walking on eggshells all the time.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 16:04     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
He sounds like an abusive jerk.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2020 21:52     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Your DH sounds like an abuser. Don't make excuses for him or think you must tolerate his behavior. you dont want your daughter to grow up and find a partner who treats her like that because she believes this is normal.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2020 16:07     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t confuse ADHD with just being an A$$.


+1 - I hate it when people blame ADHD for everything. My son has ADHD inattentive type and displays none of the behavior I see attributed to ADHD on this site, yet he’s lumped into it and all the negativity that comes with it.


ADHD manifests differently in different people. The fact that your inattentive ADHD doesn’t make you lose your temper and have impulsive outbursts is irrelevant. Many people with ADHD have terrible problems with emotional regulation and impulse control. Others don’t.


PP: of course, but people don’t make that distinction when saying how horrible people with ADHD act and that’s not fair to those who don’t act horribly because of ADHD, or not, although ADHD is often blamed for “asshole” behavior.

I’ve read multiple posts over the years about women saying they will warn their daughters not to date anyone with ADHD and that hurts my heart because my child is wonderful – he’s the kindest, most empathetic person I know (literally) and does well with school, so I hate to think he will be judged negatively if a woman finds out he has ADHD, even though he displays none of the “aggressive” traits so often mentioned here.



+ 1 I agree with this as someone with ADHD. It does not help to attribute and excuse poor behavior because it is part of ADHD, or to assume someone being a jerk has ADHD.
It's also a disservice to imply inattentive ADHD isn't harmful, especially when the vast majority of adults experience more inattentive symptoms, and being inattentive does not mean you can't have problems with emotional regulation.


Pp: I, specifically, referenced my child and said nothing to indicate that I think those with inattentive ADHD are “issue” free.


NP.I think pp was trying to agree with you and referring to the first poster who implied that those with inattentive ADHD do not have problems controlling their emotions, which as pp pointed out is untrue.


PPP: I am the poster who first mentioned inattentive and, most certainly, did not imply that those with inattentive ADHD do not have trouble controlling their emotions - I was simply stating that wrapping up all issues in the generic ADHD bucket is unfair to those who don’t display those negative types of emotions/actions/behaviors. ADHD covers a wide range of behaviors and paints all who have it with a very wide, negative brush and that’s not right when people blame ADHD for every “bad” behavior.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2020 15:13     Subject: Re:It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
He's verbally abusive. Which probably has nothing to do with his ADHD.

If he's unwilling to get into counseling and this behavior continues, I'd look into leaving. What a nightmare to live with those outbursts and nastiness.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2020 15:13     Subject: It requires so much patience to deal with Dh but he has none for anyone else
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t confuse ADHD with just being an A$$.


+1 - I hate it when people blame ADHD for everything. My son has ADHD inattentive type and displays none of the behavior I see attributed to ADHD on this site, yet he’s lumped into it and all the negativity that comes with it.


ADHD manifests differently in different people. The fact that your inattentive ADHD doesn’t make you lose your temper and have impulsive outbursts is irrelevant. Many people with ADHD have terrible problems with emotional regulation and impulse control. Others don’t.


PP: of course, but people don’t make that distinction when saying how horrible people with ADHD act and that’s not fair to those who don’t act horribly because of ADHD, or not, although ADHD is often blamed for “asshole” behavior.

I’ve read multiple posts over the years about women saying they will warn their daughters not to date anyone with ADHD and that hurts my heart because my child is wonderful – he’s the kindest, most empathetic person I know (literally) and does well with school, so I hate to think he will be judged negatively if a woman finds out he has ADHD, even though he displays none of the “aggressive” traits so often mentioned here.



+ 1 I agree with this as someone with ADHD. It does not help to attribute and excuse poor behavior because it is part of ADHD, or to assume someone being a jerk has ADHD.
It's also a disservice to imply inattentive ADHD isn't harmful, especially when the vast majority of adults experience more inattentive symptoms, and being inattentive does not mean you can't have problems with emotional regulation.


Pp: I, specifically, referenced my child and said nothing to indicate that I think those with inattentive ADHD are “issue” free.


NP.I think pp was trying to agree with you and referring to the first poster who implied that those with inattentive ADHD do not have problems controlling their emotions, which as pp pointed out is untrue.