When I was a teen the last thing I wanted to think about was my parents having sex. Yuck! They seemed very happy and that’s all that mattered. My parents are now in their late 60’s and I know they have an active sex life and that gives me hope that it doesn’t end when you are in your 40’s.

My parents divorced and that was fine for me, I saw all the chaos, my younger sibling missed a lot of it so the divorce was devastating to them.

I don't get why people can understand that children have different personalities and you have to adjust parenting to the child but think that every child will react the same way to the same thing. Some kids will be fine with a divorce, some will be fine with a sexless/loveless marriage as an example, others will not. You don't know which child you have, though, and that's the rub.

Anonymous wrote:Sex-starved DW here. After much thought and frustration I have concluded that kids want kids to be happy. Their stability and comfort are their priority as long as their parents are civil to each other. I see nothing wrong with letting kids know that your loyalty is to the family as a unit rather than pretending that everything revolves around romantic love. Their choices will be determined more by their personalities and the era in which they live than just your example. Many more people use drugs and have tattoos than did so 40 years ago because these choices are far more socially acceptable.

This. To be honest, my parents' crappy marriage and divorce prepared me for my own marriage in some really helpful ways. It made me hold no illusions about what it's like to be a child of divorce and an adult child of divorce, and even in the best situations it's pretty tough sometimes, so I'm all the more determined to take good care of my own marriage. I hold no illusions about second or third marriages either. If they had divorced earlier, that would have meant more years shuttling back and forth. There are down sides either way.

Kids want a stable and comfortable home where the adults behave well even when they disagree. I really, really with that my parents could have been civil to each other. Would it have saved their marriage? I don't know. But living in a mostly peaceful and respectful home, even with some very real problems in the marriage, would have been way better than their constant fighting. What did NOT help me is my mom constantly patting herself on the back that having an affair with her f*cked-up loser boyfriend was "setting a good example". Teenagers will NOT want to give up their single home and lie happily in their new beds in your new place, dozing off content in the knowledge that their father is getting laid in the room next door.

Sex-starved DW here. After much thought and frustration I have concluded that kids want kids to be happy. Their stability and comfort are their priority as long as their parents are civil to each other. I see nothing wrong with letting kids know that your loyalty is to the family as a unit rather than pretending that everything revolves around romantic love. Their choices will be determined more by their personalities and the era in which they live than just your example. Many more people use drugs and have tattoos than did so 40 years ago because these choices are far more socially acceptable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It didn't bother me at all or set a bad example at all. Seeing the hassle that my friends went through with their divorced parents and new partners and everything, I would not trade. Loving parents would have been nice, but divorce comes with a lot of other negatives.

If you want to divorce, own the choice for yourself. Don't tell your kids you are banging your new girlfriend for their benefit. They will find that disgusting and they will not agree with you.

Child of divorce here and this comment above is all you need to read because its absolutely accurate.

My parents stuck it out till my older sibling left for college, so I was 15 when they finally separated from their loveless but low conflict marriage. In hindsight, I am grateful they stuck it out long enough so I wasn't a shuttle kid on a custody schedule. It's not like if they divorced earlier, I would have been thrilled for them as a 10 year old that they found love. But it wouldn't have screwed me up for life either assuming they were mature about it.

You absolutely have a right to leave your sexless marriage, and it may make you a happier person and therefore a better parent. But you are doing it for you, not your kids, and that's ok. No different than the logic that if you decided to cheat so you could stay sane and married, you are doing it for you and not your kids, and that would also be ok.]

Just own the decision.

This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

I love the way you tell the PP that their feeling about their own childhood is "wrong." I thought PP sounded pretty rational, non-judgemental, and understanding that parents are just trying to do the best they can. You can rationalize your own decisions all you want, but PP is proof that staying together for the kids isn't a bad idea.

Mine stayed together. The older I get, them more thankful I am they did. They were true examples of sticking through hard times. It benefited me as a child, and as an adult. Seeing my father’s heartbreak after my mom passed really made me understand the depth of their love. Even if things weren’t 100% great, the core of their marriage and the family they created was (and is) incredibly strong because they never gave up on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless marriage - no sex period - and no physical contact. I know my teenage children notice. How will this affect them? In addition to wanting to feel desired again I often think about divorce/being with others in part so I can model better behavior. Or am I crazy for thinking this way?

I was in a sexless marriage and stayed “for the kids.”

Bad decision. Therapist was adamant that my ex and I were simply modeling abnormal and dysfunctional relationships for the children.

Get out. I did. You will have sex again with new people. Kids will adjust and be healthier and happier after a period of adjustment.

Unless they aren't, and are resentful of you breaking up their stable, steady home life (of albeit ignorant bliss) to only improve your sex life. It takes awhile for kids to gain the courage to tell parents how it really is. You'll find out if you're right in a few years when they're adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How in the hell do your kids know the specifics of your sex life? Perhaps they notice if you are not affectionate, but they do not know what goes in your bedroom -- I hope.

And I hope you are not confusing affection and sex. Perhaps that is part of your problem.

My parents didn’t sleep in the same bedroom and I was home all the time as a child/teen. They were married for 30 years. They barely spoke. I’m pretty sure it was sexless.

My spouse and I sleep in different rooms. It’s because of different sleep schedules and a snoring problem. We find time to do the do. Granted, it’s nothing “extreme” and only 1-2 times per week and has to be either at 11-12 at night or 6am in the morning.

I have 3 kids - age 10-16. They notice we have separate rooms.we used to try to hide it, by hanging out in the master at night getting ready for bed and just getting up early. but they would stay up late and see the setup (blankets, phone charger, etc) in the guest room. So now We’ve hinted as to “why”. Also we’ve gone on a few family vacations and it’s a running joke how bad the snoring is in the hotel room, that we have booked 2 rooms when we can’t get a suite.

We are not overtly affectionate in front of our kids but play wrestle and eat together, watch tv, and spend time together as a family. This works for us, especially during these times. (We used to go on dinner dates pre-covid too)

Point being .... how would kids know whether you have active life or not. My kids know we have a healthy enough relationship and they feel safe that our family is in tact. Which is good, because we will be married “forever”.

Sleep study for the snoring to check for apnea. Stat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How in the hell do your kids know the specifics of your sex life? Perhaps they notice if you are not affectionate, but they do not know what goes in your bedroom -- I hope.

And I hope you are not confusing affection and sex. Perhaps that is part of your problem.

My parents didn’t sleep in the same bedroom and I was home all the time as a child/teen. They were married for 30 years. They barely spoke. I’m pretty sure it was sexless.

My spouse and I sleep in different rooms. It’s because of different sleep schedules and a snoring problem. We find time to do the do. Granted, it’s nothing “extreme” and only 1-2 times per week and has to be either at 11-12 at night or 6am in the morning.

I have 3 kids - age 10-16. They notice we have separate rooms.we used to try to hide it, by hanging out in the master at night getting ready for bed and just getting up early. but they would stay up late and see the setup (blankets, phone charger, etc) in the guest room. So now We’ve hinted as to “why”. Also we’ve gone on a few family vacations and it’s a running joke how bad the snoring is in the hotel room, that we have booked 2 rooms when we can’t get a suite.

We are not overtly affectionate in front of our kids but play wrestle and eat together, watch tv, and spend time together as a family. This works for us, especially during these times. (We used to go on dinner dates pre-covid too)

Point being .... how would kids know whether you have active life or not. My kids know we have a healthy enough relationship and they feel safe that our family is in tact. Which is good, because we will be married “forever”.

Being forced into a celibate marriage is at least as bad if not worse than being cheated on. I would much[u] rather my spouse be sexually generous with me and have cheated at some point than be technically faithful but consign me to the hell of celibacy. You have a right to leave. And despite some loud voices on here who see cheating = murder, you also have a right to find an affair partner and stay married and sane. Many advice columnists recommend this, depending on your circumstances.

As a child of divorce, it's not the divorce that will be determine whether your kids suffer so much as how you and your ex handle it.

Good luck, OP, I feel for you, it's a brutal spot to be in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It didn't bother me at all or set a bad example at all. Seeing the hassle that my friends went through with their divorced parents and new partners and everything, I would not trade. Loving parents would have been nice, but divorce comes with a lot of other negatives.

If you want to divorce, own the choice for yourself. Don't tell your kids you are banging your new girlfriend for their benefit. They will find that disgusting and they will not agree with you.

Child of divorce here and this comment above is all you need to read because its absolutely accurate.

My parents stuck it out till my older sibling left for college, so I was 15 when they finally separated from their loveless but low conflict marriage. In hindsight, I am grateful they stuck it out long enough so I wasn't a shuttle kid on a custody schedule. It's not like if they divorced earlier, I would have been thrilled for them as a 10 year old that they found love. But it wouldn't have screwed me up for life either assuming they were mature about it.

You absolutely have a right to leave your sexless marriage, and it may make you a happier person and therefore a better parent. But you are doing it for you, not your kids, and that's ok. No different than the logic that if you decided to cheat so you could stay sane and married, you are doing it for you and not your kids, and that would also be ok.]

Just own the decision.

This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

Anonymous wrote:It didn't bother me at all or set a bad example at all. Seeing the hassle that my friends went through with their divorced parents and new partners and everything, I would not trade. Loving parents would have been nice, but divorce comes with a lot of other negatives.

If you want to divorce, own the choice for yourself. Don't tell your kids you are banging your new girlfriend for their benefit. They will find that disgusting and they will not agree with you.

Child of divorce here and this comment above is all you need to read because its absolutely accurate.

My parents stuck it out till my older sibling left for college, so I was 15 when they finally separated from their loveless but low conflict marriage. In hindsight, I am grateful they stuck it out long enough so I wasn't a shuttle kid on a custody schedule. It's not like if they divorced earlier, I would have been thrilled for them as a 10 year old that they found love. But it wouldn't have screwed me up for life either assuming they were mature about it.

You absolutely have a right to leave your sexless marriage, and it may make you a happier person and therefore a better parent. But you are doing it for you, not your kids, and that's ok. No different than the logic that if you decided to cheat so you could stay sane and married, you are doing it for you and not your kids, and that would also be ok.]

Just own the decision.

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless marriage - no sex period - and no physical contact. I know my teenage children notice. How will this affect them? In addition to wanting to feel desired again I often think about divorce/being with others in part so I can model better behavior. Or am I crazy for thinking this way?

I was in a sexless marriage and stayed “for the kids.”

Bad decision. Therapist was adamant that my ex and I were simply modeling abnormal and dysfunctional relationships for the children.

Get out. I did. You will have sex again with new people. Kids will adjust and be healthier and happier after a period of adjustment.

Sex makes me happier and more relaxed. They don’t know we have sex but being a happier person and feeling loved by my DH makes me a better mother. I’m a happier person and therefore have more to give them. Everyone needs love and affection. I would have trouble staying in a loveless marriage and you are correct about wanting to leave.

Anonymous wrote:I assumed OP was a woman. Not that it matters.

Based on OP's complaint (being in a sexless marriage) it is statistically 10 times more likely that OP is a man.
But who knows you could be right!