Anonymous
07/24/2020 22:05
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Anonymous wrote:People with significant ADHD cannot do all the things normal people do without reminders or forgetting things.
So no, my husband with untreated ADHD needs reminders and still forgets key items.
Like filing taxes or paying the water bill on time.
I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult), am unmedicated, yet the responsibility falls to me to get things done because if I don't then no one will. I'm tired tired tired of having ALL of the stuff on MY shoulders because there is no one else to pick up the slack. I have no choice so I do it.
My husband is an excellent provider but I would love to be able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than earning a living.
I found the package of toilet paper I asked him pick up on the way home on the floor in the garage days later. When I asked him about it, he said he was in a rush and just put it there "for now" and was going to get it "later". He always gets annoyed if I mention anything, as if it's normal to drop a package of toilet paper on the garage floor and leave it there and I'm just being a nag. And to be clear, this is everything. He has never planned a vacation, initiated an outing, paid a bill, etc.
So someone with ADHD CAN do these things. If they have to.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 21:52
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
I know exactly what you mean and it is really exhausting. One thing my husband and I have done is divide some chores – he is responsible for all dishes, and I do all the laundry. That is working out because I don’t have to nag him and I don’t have to think about the dishes being done. And he actually does it. Maybe you could assign one or two tasks to him? Sit down and have a conversation about how to get it done. But of course he does still have to do it.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 21:52
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, but I married someone who served in the Marines for two decades, has an engineering doctorate, and is now a teacher. He’s really big on getting things done correctly, not procrastinating, and not making excuses. There’s no way I’d have to ask him about gas, let alone give reminders.
My husband is just an accountant for the government but has the same mentality.
I think most people in math related careers are the same.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 21:50
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Yes, but after many years of “training.”
When you asked him if he still wants to do it or does he want to do it after dinner was the wrong move IMO. I would say, “Why don’t you do it now and you can just relax after dinner?” Or something similar. Basically, discuss with him the pros and cons of doing things sooner vs later.
When you asked him if he still wants to do it or does he want to do it after dinner was the wrong move IMO. I would say, “Why don’t you do it now and you can just relax after dinner?” Or something similar. Basically, discuss with him the pros and cons of doing things sooner vs later.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 21:38
Subject: Re:Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. The three things I never have to ask him to do are: grocery shop, make dinner (we share this pretty equitably and both take it on ourselves to plan a couple meals a week), and clean the kitchen. These stay in his head as things he has to do as an adult. He is also thoughtful about making sure the food he buys and prepares will work for everyone in the family.
Other cleaning tasks though? I have to ask. Or make a list and say "This is what needs to get done this week/weekend/before we leave for our trip." I thought that after a while he wouldn't need this anymore because he knows what needs to be done, but 10 years in and he still needs it. He just doesn't know how to prioritize tasks and isn't good at recognizing that something is dirty. I blame his family for never giving him chores as a kid or setting any standards for cleanliness. I think this happens to a lot of men. It sucks. Teach your sons how to clean and that cleaning is something all people have to do.
He figured out groceries/cooking/cleaning the kitchen on his own as an adult, because he HAD to eat. All the other stuff is like a foreign custom he is interested in but just never feels natural.
Other cleaning tasks though? I have to ask. Or make a list and say "This is what needs to get done this week/weekend/before we leave for our trip." I thought that after a while he wouldn't need this anymore because he knows what needs to be done, but 10 years in and he still needs it. He just doesn't know how to prioritize tasks and isn't good at recognizing that something is dirty. I blame his family for never giving him chores as a kid or setting any standards for cleanliness. I think this happens to a lot of men. It sucks. Teach your sons how to clean and that cleaning is something all people have to do.
He figured out groceries/cooking/cleaning the kitchen on his own as an adult, because he HAD to eat. All the other stuff is like a foreign custom he is interested in but just never feels natural.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 19:31
Subject: Re:Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
"Gas in the car" is not worth 3 discussions. If he runs out of gas, that will get his attention. If you need gas, get your own gas.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 18:30
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Anonymous wrote:My DH, bless his heart agrees to help out with a variety of things around the house.
PIcking up milk, put gas in the car, water the plants etc etc but NEVER actually does any of it unless i remind him at the very least 3-4 times. I don't nag but something like:
M: "Did you put gas in the car?"
DH: Oh, not yet
M: "Did you still want to or i will, i need it tomorrow"
DH: I will do it after supper
M: (after cooking supper and eating, getting ready for bed): Don't forget to get gas in the car
DH: Oh, i will do it first thing in the am, it is too late
M: (in teh am) DId you get gas
DH: Oh, going to do it now
I HATE having ask if something has been done. Why can't something just get done.
He notices nothing. If he uses all of the milk he won't put it on the list or make sure we have more. He will just wait for it to magically appear or for me to ask if he will go get it. Same goes for everything. He doesn't get crabby if i ask or remind but i have just been doing things myself without even confering with him. Then he is like "Why didn't you ask me, i would have done it". I have explained to him that i can't count on him to do things iwhtout reminders and he says he is just forgetful and not to 'punish' him for it. By "punish' he means not ask for his help.
Is my spouse the only one like this? Anyone have luck at fixing it. I want a partnership with someone I can count on.
Bad dynamic. It’s like you think you are in charge and he takes marching orders from you. Fix this now or you will be divorced inside of a decade.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 18:28
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Yes, he's an adult.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 16:43
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Basically, if he can see it, my DH is great about dealing with it: dirty dishes and laundry, trash and recycling, empty fridge in need of restocking, dirty diapers in need of changing, naked children who need to be dressed, hungry children clamoring for dinner, empty gas tanks in need of filling, lawns needing mowing, accumulated dog hair needing to be vacuumed.
Where he's not great at is the stuff he can't "see": Bills, scheduling doctor appointments, thinking ahead about kids' clothing for the upcoming season, maintaining the sump pump, getting the chimney cleaned, etc., and things he doesn't see/ notice, like dirty windows, overgrown shrubs, dirty cars, dust, unmade beds, fridge needing cleaning. But I guess that last category falls more under "differences in standards." I take care of most of these things, or prod him until he does them.
Where he's not great at is the stuff he can't "see": Bills, scheduling doctor appointments, thinking ahead about kids' clothing for the upcoming season, maintaining the sump pump, getting the chimney cleaned, etc., and things he doesn't see/ notice, like dirty windows, overgrown shrubs, dirty cars, dust, unmade beds, fridge needing cleaning. But I guess that last category falls more under "differences in standards." I take care of most of these things, or prod him until he does them.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 15:59
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Anonymous wrote:My DH, bless his heart agrees to help out with a variety of things around the house.
PIcking up milk, put gas in the car, water the plants etc etc but NEVER actually does any of it unless i remind him at the very least 3-4 times. I don't nag but something like:
M: "Did you put gas in the car?"
DH: Oh, not yet
M: "Did you still want to or i will, i need it tomorrow"
DH: I will do it after supper
M: (after cooking supper and eating, getting ready for bed): Don't forget to get gas in the car
DH: Oh, i will do it first thing in the am, it is too late
M: (in teh am) DId you get gas
DH: Oh, going to do it now
I HATE having ask if something has been done. Why can't something just get done.
He notices nothing. If he uses all of the milk he won't put it on the list or make sure we have more. He will just wait for it to magically appear or for me to ask if he will go get it. Same goes for everything. He doesn't get crabby if i ask or remind but i have just been doing things myself without even confering with him. Then he is like "Why didn't you ask me, i would have done it". I have explained to him that i can't count on him to do things iwhtout reminders and he says he is just forgetful and not to 'punish' him for it. By "punish' he means not ask for his help.
Is my spouse the only one like this? Anyone have luck at fixing it. I want a partnership with someone I can count on.
Sounds like my 14 year old
Anonymous
07/24/2020 15:53
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
DH is just another child. I had to tell in a stern voice, do it now, no not later. That is the only way things get done.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 15:39
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Anonymous wrote:Yes, and it is one of the reasons I married him. We each have our assignments, designed for minimal reliance on the other person. Consider "separating your lanes" a bit so you need less coordination. He is responsible for the car, and for all grocery, cooking, and kitchen cleanup. And I never, ever step in unless he asks. So i have not chosen my own dinner in 8 years. No regrets.
Yes this. But I will also say, pulling his weight is kind of ingrained in my DH. But not about *everything*. So he will take care of the cars without issue, the outside stuff, the trash/recycling with NO problem. I did outsource the house linens to him too and he's done great with that. But will he clean a bathroom? No it would literally have to be covered in scum before this would cross his mind.
So out chores breakdown is a little sexist, but it works. Oh and he also makes ALL the customer service calls (internet, cell phone issues, etc).
We split grocery shopping and cooking, but he does more food shopping and I do more cooking.
I'd murder him if he did any less and after writing that I realize he does a lot! SO thanks DH, you rock. I'll stop grumbling about the dishes you left in the sink when the empty dishwasher was RIGHT there.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 15:37
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Sit down and think about what tasks will work well for him. Things where he himself feels swift consequences if he drops the ball. Reduce nagging by uncrossing your lanes and simplifying your home and your schedule.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 15:34
Subject: Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
Anonymous wrote:Yes, but I married someone who served in the Marines for two decades, has an engineering doctorate, and is now a teacher. He’s really big on getting things done correctly, not procrastinating, and not making excuses. There’s no way I’d have to ask him about gas, let alone give reminders.
My husband is just an accountant for the government but has the same mentality.
Anonymous
07/24/2020 15:30
Subject: Re:Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders
When i got up this morning or should I say noon
breakfast was cooked for the week and in containers
cats fed, litter cleaned, bathroom floor mopped
laundry done
lunch done
not only did my husband make his bed he washed his bedding
he always puts gas in the vehicle, I have never done it
went to the store
I have never taken out the garbage or put the bin to the road
he is now currently napping, a well deserved nap
all of the above he does on his own. I never have to ask.
I tell him he's a good wife. He laughs.
I am extremely blessed to have him for my husband. I thank God everyday for giving him to me.
breakfast was cooked for the week and in containers
cats fed, litter cleaned, bathroom floor mopped
laundry done
lunch done
not only did my husband make his bed he washed his bedding
he always puts gas in the vehicle, I have never done it
went to the store
I have never taken out the garbage or put the bin to the road
he is now currently napping, a well deserved nap
all of the above he does on his own. I never have to ask.
I tell him he's a good wife. He laughs.
I am extremely blessed to have him for my husband. I thank God everyday for giving him to me.