Anonymous wrote:I would have started this thread. I never would have considered moving back home, but this pandemic has made me realize that our life with three kids and two stressful jobs is really hard here without any support. We have friends, but they all have their own stuff going on. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and 2 of my 3 siblings are all in one place. Its not a very posh place to live, but low cost of living. My husband has always worked from home, so he can move his career pretty easily. I would take a real career hit (I am in biglaw here and always assumed I would work in house and probably go back to biglaw at some point), but I can't seem to decide whether I would miss this. It is such a huge decision!

For what it's worth, I was in biglaw in DC and we moved away from there to a lower cost of living area on the water to improve our quality of life. (My husband can work from anywhere and has to travel some regardless of where we are). We actually moved farther away from family in doing so, so I can't speak to that part of it, but in terms of a less stressful lifestyle, it has been worth the pay cut and also the downgrade from the incredibly intellectually demanding career I had before to the more relaxed but still fulfilling career I have now. We are so glad we moved before all this happened. Being out of the city in a much bigger house with a body of water as our yard has made staying at home infinitely easier. We keep saying we are so glad we're not still in DC living our old lives right now.

I would have started this thread. I never would have considered moving back home, but this pandemic has made me realize that our life with three kids and two stressful jobs is really hard here without any support. We have friends, but they all have their own stuff going on. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and 2 of my 3 siblings are all in one place. Its not a very posh place to live, but low cost of living. My husband has always worked from home, so he can move his career pretty easily. I would take a real career hit (I am in biglaw here and always assumed I would work in house and probably go back to biglaw at some point), but I can't seem to decide whether I would miss this. It is such a huge decision!

I can't believe people privileged enough to have this option have to ask about taking it.

I think you need to weigh whether you’ll receive childcare help for your kids, or whether you’ll just be moving closer to provide eldercare down the road.

If your parents need to move closer to you to get help, you have more leverage to insist they be 15 minutes away, for example.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would definitely move closer to family. My DH and I are trying to figure out how to do that now. Work has always made it impossible. Having blood connections becomes more and more important, and you've had the great opportunity to leave and expand your world. I will add that having moved away was really great for us and I'm glad we did it. But now ready for more of a sense of belonging.

If I were you I'd come up with areas that work that are close to family. Then get on something like Realtor.com or Redfin.com and start searching for houses. See what you can get. Get an idea on pricing, etc. I think if you started seeing a life that could come together near family it would make the decision much easier.

It really doesn't. I know you people want to believe that having a blood relative means they'll always love you and care for you, but there are millions of examples on this board, and others I have witnessed in real life, that do not bear this out. People who love you will care for you. Those people don't have to be related to you.

PP, I'm the other PP. I agree with you. What I have found for us is that while we've definitely made friends, and even good friends, at the end of the day those friends have their own families, their lives change, jobs, divorce.... For the people who have found true, lifelong support systems beyond their own families, I think that is wonderful. Our close friends group started shifting, first with someone's divorce and subsequent remarriage to someone on the West Coast, then with another's a challenging child situation, then a job loss then new job in another city. Suddenly, we all were scattered across the country and that's when I started realizing that I wanted something more . . . permanent.

But this happens with family as well, yes? People get divorced, people move, people experience losses. Also, you get to pick your friends, but you don't get to pick your relatives. I was so excited that my husband has a sister because I never had one (only a brother), but she and I are not at all close. (Neither are she and my husband). We have nothing in common at all and her kids are either indifferent or rude to ours, so they won't be close with their cousins. However, my best friend and I have kids of similar ages and they are close. They fight like family and they love each other like family. They both consider each other to be cousins (and my best friend's family is very close and her kids have six cousins with whom they are great friends). I'm happy for all the people whose families end up being their best friends, but it's not like that for a lot of people, so I think anyone who automatically says that being close to family is the best thing is misguided (probably not on purpose, you're just using your own experience and projecting it).

OP here. The advice is wonderful! To answer some questions, I’m close with my parents but not really with my sibling. DH doesn’t have the best relationship with his mom but gets along with his brother. I like my in laws a lot, DH likes my parents and can’t stand my sibling (for justifiable reasons). DH is better with boundaries but one of my worries is that my mother would be extremely overbearing and want to see us all the time. She was like that before and adding a grandchild will only exacerbate that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved from DC to be closer to family after DD was born. We went knowing we’d enjoy being near family, and our daughter would grow up with cousins and aunts and uncles and all that entails, but we’re worried our life outside of DC would be “less than”. We couldn’t have been more wrong. We absolutely love our life now. Being close to family is so great. I’m very close with my grandparents and being near them, and having my daughter grow up knowing them, it just the absolute best.

Thank you for this - I really needed to see this today as we are doing this exact thing in a month or so.

DP. My parents moved to Burke, VA when I was in college - my dad’s job was transferred here. Pre-kids my husband and I were like: “this place is so boring,” when we used to visit them here. 10 years and two kids later we moved here too and we love it now

I live close to family and I basically consider it priceless.

Sometimes I wonder “what if” - about moving somewhere more exotic or lower COL or whatever but I know deep down I ultimately prefer to be closer to family. YMMV. I know it’s different for everyone.

I personally think that if your extended families are at all close/not dysfunctional then living near them is a big plus. If they are crazy/dysfunctional takers then I would stay put.

Anonymous wrote:We moved from DC to be closer to family after DD was born. We went knowing we’d enjoy being near family, and our daughter would grow up with cousins and aunts and uncles and all that entails, but we’re worried our life outside of DC would be “less than”. We couldn’t have been more wrong. We absolutely love our life now. Being close to family is so great. I’m very close with my grandparents and being near them, and having my daughter grow up knowing them, it just the absolute best.

Thank you for this - I really needed to see this today as we are doing this exact thing in a month or so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would definitely move closer to family. My DH and I are trying to figure out how to do that now. Work has always made it impossible. Having blood connections becomes more and more important, and you've had the great opportunity to leave and expand your world. I will add that having moved away was really great for us and I'm glad we did it. But now ready for more of a sense of belonging.

If I were you I'd come up with areas that work that are close to family. Then get on something like Realtor.com or Redfin.com and start searching for houses. See what you can get. Get an idea on pricing, etc. I think if you started seeing a life that could come together near family it would make the decision much easier.

It really doesn't. I know you people want to believe that having a blood relative means they'll always love you and care for you, but there are millions of examples on this board, and others I have witnessed in real life, that do not bear this out. People who love you will care for you. Those people don't have to be related to you.

PP, I'm the other PP. I agree with you. What I have found for us is that while we've definitely made friends, and even good friends, at the end of the day those friends have their own families, their lives change, jobs, divorce.... For the people who have found true, lifelong support systems beyond their own families, I think that is wonderful. Our close friends group started shifting, first with someone's divorce and subsequent remarriage to someone on the West Coast, then with another's a challenging child situation, then a job loss then new job in another city. Suddenly, we all were scattered across the country and that's when I started realizing that I wanted something more . . . permanent.

Anonymous wrote:If you prioritize fulfillment in your career more than other factors (being near family, COL, diversity), stay where you are.
If you prioritize the other things more than career, move.

I mean I know it’s not actually that simple as it’s a big decision and I understand that you don’t want to move again after this. But basically those are the choices, right?

No one else can really answer that for you. If it were me, I’m fine having distance from my family and although the COL and diversity elements are very important to me, I think being fulfilled in my career would ultimately be more important to me so I would stay.

(Unless you can find an equally great job on the East coast in which case I would move)

Yes