Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 10:07     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't move in. Tell him you've thought about it. Moving in with him and his roommates is a NO GO! You'll be the unofficial cook, toilet cleaner, cook and more. Wait another year for a ring then if he's still not sure, move on.


Haha, no they wouldn't make me their servant! They have a rotating wheel of chores like roommates of my past had done. They cook together and share all their food, which is also something I am not willing to do.

Also edited to clarify that he "rents a room" meaning a third room in the house is rented out to a fourth housemate. So are three bedrooms - his, the other bedroom shared by the husband and wife, and a third bedroom rented out to a fourth roommate.

Ive brought this up to some other married or partnered friends and they seem to describe communal living like it's a normal part of young urban adulthood and shouldn't be a big deal, and that if I'm truly ready to to commit in a partnership, I should be ready to share my space. But I don't want to. I'm extroverted during the day and I love being out and about and meeting people, but I am a total introvert at night/in the early morning and really don't want to share everything with other people.


You are moving way ahead of yourself. He is not asking you to "truly commit in a partnership." He is vaguely mentioning moving in together. This is guys standard operating procedure.


Then guys have a completely warped perception of reality.

He wants to move in together - and assumes moving to his group house - giving or storing away your possessions, downsizing from your way of life, giving up a gem of a rent controlled apartment deal - without "truly committing to a partnership" Are you f-ing kidding me.


Yep. I know guys like this (and women to be fair). The effort and risk is 100% on her. If things don’t work out, it’s NBD to him, she moves out and everything goes back to the way it was. Meanwhile she has no place to live, no stuff, etc... If he actually proposes this, it screams of him not wanting to commit. The most normal thing to do would probably be for him to rent out his room in the house, and they agree on a new place that fits both their needs. If he owned the house outright without roommates and she was happy to live there, I think it would be different.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 10:04     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:This was a bad business decision for this guy to be invested in a group house with a married couple. How strange.


If it was more than a few years ago, they might not have been married at the time. I think it is not unreasonable for a single man. He will probably clear a profit in the end.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:58     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
You’ll be the odd man out. What if you don’t get along as well with the other couple? You said he loves his housemates. How long do they plan to live like this? Two years? Twenty? Are you going to raise kids together?

Honestly, you need to have a frank conversation with him about what your futures look like in the short and medium term, and if he’s unwilling to discuss and explore different options, cut him loose.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:51     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
OP, why don't you discuss this with your boyfriend? It sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions that may or may not be correct. Talk it through. If you can resolve it, take the next step. If not, then you've learned already that this is not right for either of you. Don't let a bunch of unspoken assumptions drive your behavior - communicate!
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:43     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
This was a bad business decision for this guy to be invested in a group house with a married couple. How strange.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:42     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
I stopped reading at sharing a room in a group house. Just no.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:25     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
I wouldn't do this unless it was a relationship heading towards marriage (or whatever long-term goal you have for the relationship.) If it is a serious relationship heading towards marriage, then you both ought to be able to discuss your preferred living situation with honesty and come to a compromise. Even if you do get engaged, it's not reasonable for him to expect you to adapt to his living situation with no compromises. I think the person who mentioned getting rid of the roommate was on the right track. You'd also have to think about what you'd want with housing if/when you had kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:21     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
I don't think this is an unreasonable thing for a single man to have done. They probably got the right of first refusal from the landlord and decided to jump on it. But it may be hard to unwind if the others don't want to buy him out. Some people genuinelt love communal living. But those people are rare.

OP, if he were game to move, you should be sympathetic to how hard it is to unwind this ownership structure. It may take time. But to add a 5th person to the house is unrealistic and may really strain the physical capacity-- hot water, bathrooms, fridge space, etc. Does he expect to live here with you forever? If he is not able to realistically grapple with planning the next 5 years of his life, I would ditch him without a secind thought.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 09:03     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This isn't about who is moving in with whom; this is about compatibility. You're not compatible. This is not a life partner for you. And if you are female and want kids (not sure from your post), your clock is running out. Not the guy for you. You don't have to hate them or have them be horrible people to be not the right person for you.


I actually think group living would be pretty ideal with kids (provided the other couple has kids too). One of the worst parts of having babies and little kids is that you can’t go anywhere, even for a few minutes, without packing them up and bringing them with you. You could also have an only child, yet still have a sibling relationship.
Kids could share the fourth bedroom.


Not the point. S/he's not excited about the group living and the guy thinks it's normal and desirable. This is not a little thing. At best it means he's immature, and if he really thinks this is how he wants to live for his life, this is not for OP. Right now it sounds like he's looking for a FWB that will now be right there all the time. So you might like to have kids in a group house, but OP clearly doesn't like anything about group living. They're not compatible.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 08:59     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't about who is moving in with whom; this is about compatibility. You're not compatible. This is not a life partner for you. And if you are female and want kids (not sure from your post), your clock is running out. Not the guy for you. You don't have to hate them or have them be horrible people to be not the right person for you.


I actually think group living would be pretty ideal with kids (provided the other couple has kids too). One of the worst parts of having babies and little kids is that you can’t go anywhere, even for a few minutes, without packing them up and bringing them with you. You could also have an only child, yet still have a sibling relationship.
Kids could share the fourth bedroom.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 08:58     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't move in. Tell him you've thought about it. Moving in with him and his roommates is a NO GO! You'll be the unofficial cook, toilet cleaner, cook and more. Wait another year for a ring then if he's still not sure, move on.


Haha, no they wouldn't make me their servant! They have a rotating wheel of chores like roommates of my past had done. They cook together and share all their food, which is also something I am not willing to do.

Also edited to clarify that he "rents a room" meaning a third room in the house is rented out to a fourth housemate. So are three bedrooms - his, the other bedroom shared by the husband and wife, and a third bedroom rented out to a fourth roommate.

Ive brought this up to some other married or partnered friends and they seem to describe communal living like it's a normal part of young urban adulthood and shouldn't be a big deal, and that if I'm truly ready to to commit in a partnership, I should be ready to share my space. But I don't want to. I'm extroverted during the day and I love being out and about and meeting people, but I am a total introvert at night/in the early morning and really don't want to share everything with other people.


You are moving way ahead of yourself. He is not asking you to "truly commit in a partnership." He is vaguely mentioning moving in together. This is guys standard operating procedure.


Then guys have a completely warped perception of reality.

He wants to move in together - and assumes moving to his group house - giving or storing away your possessions, downsizing from your way of life, giving up a gem of a rent controlled apartment deal - without "truly committing to a partnership" Are you f-ing kidding me.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 08:53     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't move in. Tell him you've thought about it. Moving in with him and his roommates is a NO GO! You'll be the unofficial cook, toilet cleaner, cook and more. Wait another year for a ring then if he's still not sure, move on.


Haha, no they wouldn't make me their servant! They have a rotating wheel of chores like roommates of my past had done. They cook together and share all their food, which is also something I am not willing to do.

Also edited to clarify that he "rents a room" meaning a third room in the house is rented out to a fourth housemate. So are three bedrooms - his, the other bedroom shared by the husband and wife, and a third bedroom rented out to a fourth roommate.

Ive brought this up to some other married or partnered friends and they seem to describe communal living like it's a normal part of young urban adulthood and shouldn't be a big deal, and that if I'm truly ready to to commit in a partnership, I should be ready to share my space. But I don't want to. I'm extroverted during the day and I love being out and about and meeting people, but I am a total introvert at night/in the early morning and really don't want to share everything with other people.


You are moving way ahead of yourself. He is not asking you to "truly commit in a partnership." He is vaguely mentioning moving in together. This is guys standard operating procedure.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 08:48     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
And if you move in with him and it doesn't work you've lost the great rent-controlled apartment that you love?
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 08:48     Subject: Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't move in. Tell him you've thought about it. Moving in with him and his roommates is a NO GO! You'll be the unofficial cook, toilet cleaner, cook and more. Wait another year for a ring then if he's still not sure, move on.


Haha, no they wouldn't make me their servant! They have a rotating wheel of chores like roommates of my past had done. They cook together and share all their food, which is also something I am not willing to do.

Also edited to clarify that he "rents a room" meaning a third room in the house is rented out to a fourth housemate. So are three bedrooms - his, the other bedroom shared by the husband and wife, and a third bedroom rented out to a fourth roommate.

Ive brought this up to some other married or partnered friends and they seem to describe communal living like it's a normal part of young urban adulthood and shouldn't be a big deal, and that if I'm truly ready to to commit in a partnership, I should be ready to share my space. But I don't want to. I'm extroverted during the day and I love being out and about and meeting people, but I am a total introvert at night/in the early morning and really don't want to share everything with other people.


I’m not as pessimistic about this as most people. It’s unconventional, but I’ve seen wonderful living situations like this. However, I would only do this when the third room is empty and could become yours. You would rent from him, you can put some of your furniture in there although you may need to store the rest, and you would have a space to retreat.

You wouldn’t have any stake in the house since you would still be renting. After a year or two you would probably grow to either love or hate the situation, and then it would be clear what your next move is.

Good luck!!
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2020 08:48     Subject: Re:Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
Anonymous wrote:Just don't move in - tell him you feel no ringy - no bringy - or no ringy - no movie-in-y - and then you have time to figure this out

I am trying to understand his vision if he's planning to eventually get married - is he really planning to share a house while married??


He makes a good income... perhaps he could hold onto this house and be a landlord while living somewhere else, with you? Keep renting your place and dating him and give it another year. You'll know where you're at with your boyfriend, and he'll figure out his home ownership situation, whether he wants it to be an investment property or a "forever home."