Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what help OP is asking for. I have an only. Its been hard for her during this period because she is lonely. Is that what you mean OP?

OP here. I am unable to have another. I am looking for help/resources on how to parent DC successfully. I was an only for a long time until my parents had a late in life child and I hated being an only and was so happy for my sibling (we are very close). I feel very sad I cannot give this to DC.

You are projecting your feelings on your child. Your child will be fine.

As a parent of an only child, I second the recommendation for Lauren Sandler's book. I would add that the only thing I am doing differently than I would if I had more kids is that we are more proactive about two things (1) ensuring that our child has opportunities to entertain herself, including being bored, so that she has the chance to develop her internal resources and doesn't rely on others for entertainment, and (2) being a bit more proactive about facilitating friendships. It might seem like these are contradictory, but they don't feel that way. Our child is a social, outgoing, friendly kid who makes friends easily and gets along well with her peers, and who also has a great imagination and a rich inner life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what help OP is asking for. I have an only. Its been hard for her during this period because she is lonely. Is that what you mean OP?

OP here. I am unable to have another. I am looking for help/resources on how to parent DC successfully. I was an only for a long time until my parents had a late in life child and I hated being an only and was so happy for my sibling (we are very close). I feel very sad I cannot give this to DC.

Please read "One and Only" as others have suggested. The full title is pretty telling: "One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One." It really may help you come to much more peace with your family!

I worry that because you are close to your sibling you are primed to be always disappointed in your family structure. It doesn't have to be like that. Even if you adopted another child, you would have absolutely zero guarantee that both children would ever be close; they might even actively dislike each other.

If your sadness really is affecting you, please, look into getting some counseling or therapy at least short-term to help you get an outsider's objective perspective on family sizes and roles. It really can help to talk to someone who is not your spouse or a friend or relative -- someone who will be very frank with you.

You are grieving a loss, OP; you maybe expected your own family would look and feel like the family in which you grew up, especially regarding your sibling relationship, right? You now know your family is not going to be as you expected and you are grieving that kind of like grieving a death. It's OK to recognize that loss of an expectation. But it's not OK if your sadness makes you look on your own child as somehow "less than" because he or she isn't accompanied by a sibling through life. That's why I suggest you get some good therapy to work through the grief and embrace the child and family you DO have rather than continuing to mourn the one you imagined you'd have. Does that make sense, OP?

Consider this too: Your sibling can be a terrific aunt or uncle to your child.

And: With an only child you do have particular opportunity to be involved much more, if you choose, in your child's school and activities and interests and down time. To be clear, I know parents of more than one do all that, but it's objectively simpler with one. Look at the book for more about it..

Thank you for this very kind response!

Anonymous wrote:Any resources for help?

Only have another kid if you can do it without significantly downgrading DC 1’a lifestyle-college fund, schools, vacations, bedroom, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what help OP is asking for. I have an only. Its been hard for her during this period because she is lonely. Is that what you mean OP?

OP here. I am unable to have another. I am looking for help/resources on how to parent DC successfully. I was an only for a long time until my parents had a late in life child and I hated being an only and was so happy for my sibling (we are very close). I feel very sad I cannot give this to DC.

Please read "One and Only" as others have suggested. The full title is pretty telling: "One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One." It really may help you come to much more peace with your family!

I worry that because you are close to your sibling you are primed to be always disappointed in your family structure. It doesn't have to be like that. Even if you adopted another child, you would have absolutely zero guarantee that both children would ever be close; they might even actively dislike each other.

If your sadness really is affecting you, please, look into getting some counseling or therapy at least short-term to help you get an outsider's objective perspective on family sizes and roles. It really can help to talk to someone who is not your spouse or a friend or relative -- someone who will be very frank with you.

You are grieving a loss, OP; you maybe expected your own family would look and feel like the family in which you grew up, especially regarding your sibling relationship, right? You now know your family is not going to be as you expected and you are grieving that kind of like grieving a death. It's OK to recognize that loss of an expectation. But it's not OK if your sadness makes you look on your own child as somehow "less than" because he or she isn't accompanied by a sibling through life. That's why I suggest you get some good therapy to work through the grief and embrace the child and family you DO have rather than continuing to mourn the one you imagined you'd have. Does that make sense, OP?

Consider this too: Your sibling can be a terrific aunt or uncle to your child.

And: With an only child you do have particular opportunity to be involved much more, if you choose, in your child's school and activities and interests and down time. To be clear, I know parents of more than one do all that, but it's objectively simpler with one. Look at the book for more about it..

Anonymous wrote:Research shows only children are statistically similar to eldest children in almost every way. One of the exceptions is they tend to be more generous. Read "One and Only" by Lauren Sandler for a good discussion.

Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what help OP is asking for. I have an only. Its been hard for her during this period because she is lonely. Is that what you mean OP?

OP here. I am unable to have another. I am looking for help/resources on how to parent DC successfully. I was an only for a long time until my parents had a late in life child and I hated being an only and was so happy for my sibling (we are very close). I feel very sad I cannot give this to DC.

Anonymous wrote:Research shows only children are statistically similar to eldest children in almost every way. One of the exceptions is they tend to be more generous. Read "One and Only" by Lauren Sandler for a good discussion.

My husband and I were just talking about this, except our child is a little less eager to people please than many eldest children seem to be (however, he seems to please people very very easily, so the effort required on this part is incredibly low).

There is something to that!

Research shows only children are statistically similar to eldest children in almost every way. One of the exceptions is they tend to be more generous. Read "One and Only" by Lauren Sandler for a good discussion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try having a second

+1. Only children are kind of odd. It’s hard to develop a thick skin whenever everyone you live with is nice to you, treats you fairly, and talks to you like your thoughts and opinions matter.

Kids with siblings are kind of mean. It's hard to develop a positive attitude and confidence when everyone you live with is tired, stressed out, competitive, and doesn't have time to listen to your thoughts and opinions.

This wins DCUM for the day.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised an only child in a completely normal, loving house. Never wanted a sibling. My parents supported me without spoiling me. I had a great childhood and continue to have a good relationship with my parents now that I am an adult.

The number of siblings DO NOT matter. I have friends with siblings who hate each other. Another had 3 siblings and had an abusive father. No family is perfect.

People on this board need to get over the only child shaming. It's insulting and hurtful.

❤️ Thanks for posting. People are unbelievably cruel about only children.

+1 though I wouldn't go so far as "cruel." Maybe more "unimaginative and self-focused" because they cannot picture a family where everyone is fine with an only child, including the child herself.

People tend to assume that, if they themselves had a certain family make-up and certain dynamics, and those were positive, that all families would be happier with those same dynamics. So on these forums, we get a lot of posts along the lines of "My siblings and I are so very close! You should give your only child a sibling" and so on.

Spouse and I have a only child and we're all good with that, for our own unique reasons. It's entirely possible to have one child and be supportive without spoiling that child, as a PP put it. It amazes me how many posters here simply assume that every only child is spoiled, selfish, unable to share, lonely, lacks social skills, is overly attached to the parents, or totally rejects the parents out of some anger (at being an only child? Never figured that particular stereotype out).

If I assumed that every child with siblings was overly competitive, hated to share (because, tired of sharing with siblings), fought for parental attention, was jealous, etc., I'd be called out for stereotyping all kids-with-sibs; yet it's apparently OK in some people's minds to label all only kids with stereotypes. There's almost a tendency to pathologize "having an only child" as a "condition" that needs fixing, or advice on mitigating the supposed damage, or sympathy. It hasn't affected us personally so much but I've seen a lot of that pathologizing and stereotyping on these forums and other parenting sites.

OP, what were you really asking for regarding "resources"? I wondered if maybe you're a single parent and just asking for things to keep your child more occupied while you work from home, perhaps? I hope the discussion here hasn't driven you away. If you tell us your concerns, we might be able to allay them and help you with whatever type of resources you need.

here we go again.....

Anonymous wrote:I was raised an only child in a completely normal, loving house. Never wanted a sibling. My parents supported me without spoiling me. I had a great childhood and continue to have a good relationship with my parents now that I am an adult.

The number of siblings DO NOT matter. I have friends with siblings who hate each other. Another had 3 siblings and had an abusive father. No family is perfect.

People on this board need to get over the only child shaming. It's insulting and hurtful.

As a parent of an only child, thank you. I don't understand this hatred of only children. My child is only 3, but seems perfectly happy. In any case, we try our best.

If you have another kid, don't do it to "give your first born a sibling." Do it because you want another kid. There are plenty of families where adult siblings don't talk or have a close relationship even though the parents did everything to encourage it.

Anonymous wrote:I was raised an only child in a completely normal, loving house. Never wanted a sibling. My parents supported me without spoiling me. I had a great childhood and continue to have a good relationship with my parents now that I am an adult.

The number of siblings DO NOT matter. I have friends with siblings who hate each other. Another had 3 siblings and had an abusive father. No family is perfect.

People on this board need to get over the only child shaming. It's insulting and hurtful.

❤️ Thanks for posting. People are unbelievably cruel about only children.