Anonymous
06/15/2020 07:50
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost
NP. I will let him answer.
In my spouses case, almost nothing. They met at her house. They had a rule no gifts because spouses would notice. They had a few hotel visits (not expensive) over 3 years only when her house wasn’t available because her mom was visiting or kid was home from school. Other than gas to and from her house, very little. Thank god.
I’m guessing it will depend on type of affair. My spouses was an Ashley Madison transactional type.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 07:46
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.
He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.
Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.
At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.
Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.
Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.
Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.
So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.
75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.
Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.
My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 07:43
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost
Anonymous
06/15/2020 07:42
Subject: Re:Signs of infidelity?
So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 07:35
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.
He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.
Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.
At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.
Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.
Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.
Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.
So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.
75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.
Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 03:31
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 03:19
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:The first sign is assessing your relationship and how connected you are and I don’t mean just sex or being present but do you communicate well, does your spouse confide in you and listen to you, etc
Agree with this. If you aren't connecting sexually or emotionally someone else probably is
Anonymous
06/14/2020 23:48
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The first sign is assessing your relationship and how connected you are and I don’t mean just sex or being present but do you communicate well, does your spouse confide in you and listen to you, etc
Nah, that’s blaming the victim. Often, it’s not the state of the marriage that causes them to cheat and so this advice isn’t a good one.
A lot of times it IS the state of the marriage...and they do not want the trouble of divorce with kids. It really is often that people cheat..even though many refuse to believe this.
Putting aside the sex addicts, people usually cheat because of the state of the marriage or because something is missing/broken in their lives.
Anonymous
06/14/2020 23:43
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The first sign is assessing your relationship and how connected you are and I don’t mean just sex or being present but do you communicate well, does your spouse confide in you and listen to you, etc
Nah, that’s blaming the victim. Often, it’s not the state of the marriage that causes them to cheat and so this advice isn’t a good one.
A lot of times it IS the state of the marriage...and they do not want the trouble of divorce with kids. It really is often that people cheat..even though many refuse to believe this.
Anonymous
06/14/2020 23:10
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Cheater here, ask me anything. One affair, ruined the marriage and a big mistake. But if you want to ask, I will answer.
Anonymous
06/14/2020 22:37
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:The first sign is assessing your relationship and how connected you are and I don’t mean just sex or being present but do you communicate well, does your spouse confide in you and listen to you, etc
Nah, that’s blaming the victim. Often, it’s not the state of the marriage that causes them to cheat and so this advice isn’t a good one.
Anonymous
06/14/2020 21:27
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
The first sign is assessing your relationship and how connected you are and I don’t mean just sex or being present but do you communicate well, does your spouse confide in you and listen to you, etc
Anonymous
06/14/2020 21:16
Subject: Re:Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:None. I’m not kidding.
Never was late from work. No overnight trips.
We had each other’s iPhone passwords and both left our phones lying around.
No behavior changes. We still had sex 3-4 times per week.
He went to her house on Fridays during work hours (hacked his iPhone locator to make it appear he was at work—it can be done).
No phone calls. They communicated via Skype which left no trace.
He always planned nice dinners, did stuff for anniversaries and bdays, coached kids teams and we had a great relationship—lots of friends and social stuff.
He’s sick. A severe compartmentalizing narcissist.
He should teach a class on "How to Have an Affair".
The Ashley Madison affair partner was on her 2nd or 3rd affair and was a great mentor in how to deceive
She brought them into the family home after spouse and teens left for the day so no cash or hotel trace.
Anonymous
06/14/2020 21:05
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:How does one have a long distance bill these days?
Mine was using a beeper. Lol
Anonymous
06/14/2020 21:04
Subject: Signs of infidelity?
Anonymous wrote:How does one have a long distance bill these days?
