Anonymous wrote:I also think you imagine you will bear your pain together if you tell him, so that you don’t feel so alone with your grief. And that maybe you will re-forge a bond with him all these years later, a bond you *fantasize* you would still have if you hadn’t had the abortion (which is hogwash, to be blunt). It’s unhealthy, self-absorbed in a way that is detrimental to your mental health and would very possibly be unwelcome contact. Let.it.go.

I agree with this. You already know that telling him this will only hurt him. There is no positive outcome that could come out from him finding out this information. You are looking for him to alleviate your guilt and pain. It's just not going to happen. No human being can do that for you. You have to forgive yourself and move on. Without him!

I am certain that it was just this abortion that sent you into a tailspin that is still going on 20 years later. I'm sure there were many events in your life that contributed to how you are feeling today.

There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

I also love PPs idea of role-playing the conversation with your (new, better) therapist, and then putting it to bed.

I also think you imagine you will bear your pain together if you tell him, so that you don’t feel so alone with your grief. And that maybe you will re-forge a bond with him all these years later, a bond you *fantasize* you would still have if you hadn’t had the abortion (which is hogwash, to be blunt). It’s unhealthy, self-absorbed in a way that is detrimental to your mental health and would very possibly be unwelcome contact. Let.it.go.

Anonymous wrote:Honey, no. Let go of all of it. It’s ancient history and would be weird to bring up now. Let yourself have peace. Move on.

+1 I’m trying to understand why (various!) therapists would advise you to tell him, all these years later, for closure. That’s such poor advice, especially to someone in your situation. He has nothing to do with your closure, really. He doesn’t possess the ability to give you peace; you have to do that for yourself. You’re projecting on him some ability to heal, or soothe, as if you don’t possess it yourself — but you do.

You made the best choice that you could, at the time. There was no easy, smooth path available and you were so, so young. You have to forgive yourself and move forward. Honor the trauma that you went through, and the way that it’s impacted your life, and world view — that can be managed in a healthy way, as you live in the present with your children, family and loved ones. Maybe volunteer for an organization that has meaning to you, or recognize the empathy you might have for someone going through a difficult time, that you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t gone through all that you did. Find a way to live in the present.

From the outside looking in, it’s clear that this man wasn’t interested in long-term relationship with you. He made that clear from the beginning. The intensity of your feelings toward him, that you say you haven’t felt since — they weren’t reciprocated. Having the baby wasn’t going to change that. You’ve beaten yourself up all these years with a “woulda coulda shoulda” that is an absolute fantasy. It wasn’t meant to be.

Wishing you peace, OP. You deserve it.

I really don't believe any therapist would recommend that. It sounds to me like you had issues then and have issues now attaching some sort of importance to this relationship that never existed or was never there. FInd a new therapist and work on being happy NOW.

No you should not contact him. It is not his responsibility to make you feel better or share your burden. You need to let it go and live the life you have. Your life sounds like it could be pretty good if you let it. Many many many decisions you made over a long period of time led you to where you are now. Stop dwelling in the past and look forward to your future.

Another vote for no.

You need to work to forgive yourself and move on.

No

The length of the post was fine, OP. It helped me to understand everything. Please don’t tell him. It will only cause him distress and not relieve your own. I hope you find peace.

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to never think about the abortion or the boyfriend again. What if that were just a blip, not a defining event?

Think about this OP.

Your boyfriend was doing everything possible not to have kids. There is not guarantee that he would not have strong armed you into an abortion anyhow, given how committed he was to a timeline and birth control. It was a short relationship, you were way more invested than he was. He found someone else who was on his timeline. Nothing would have turned out differently in the long term. Case closed.

Please find a new therapist.

And don't contact the old boyfriend. It's quite possible the therapist just wants you to see how the old boyfriend will react or probably not react, so you can give yourself permission to move on.

Do not tell. Work with a therapist over your guilt. You made the best decision you could have at the time and it's long over.

Maybe write a letter to him but then throw it away. It might be a helpful exercise to work through your thoughts.

FWIW, I had one and never told the guy. I was young and forgive myself.

DO NOT contact him. That is not fair to unload this on him 20 years later. You made that decision to never disclose and nothing today changes that fact.

I had a friend who was in a similar situation - young and didn’t tell the guy. But here’s the thing: he knew. I am certain. He just didn’t want to deal with it because of his guilt/religion. And she knew that on some level which is why she didn’t tell him. I bet your guy knew or suspected too and was too immature to want to find out. A partner who is truly a partner would have wanted to find out why you were acting weird and being secretive. He wasn’t a true partner, just an early 20s boyfriend.

You seem to have an active fantasy about what an alternate life story would have looked like, and that you somehow ruined that story. From everything you have described about this man, he was not ready for a family, not ready to settle down. You aren’t in touch with him at all, and getting in touch would do nothing to improve honesty and intimacy with people in your life- because he’s not in it!

Quite frankly, you did him a favor by letting him go pursue his vision for his life without saddling him with a family at an early age. You were supposed to be on the pill plus you were using condoms, so this was not a case of mutual carelessness. If you do decide to contact him, make sure you don’t skip that part. When you got pregnant he thought you were on the pill but you weren’t. He even went the extra mile with a condom but that somehow failed as well(?) He doesn’t need this unnecessary guilt trip in his life.