This is why it is better to remain married

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to troll. This is sort of therapeutic, as I slowly think things through and try to regain my sanity and bearings. I’m utterly isolated, cognitively damaged, and very depressed (thanks Wellbutrin) so I appreciate those of you who can put up with me.

The responses when we fight always seem to come down to “after all I’ve done for you!”

Anonymous wrote:OP, we can’t help you. You are clearly resigned to having your life utterly destroyed by your current wife, and instead of reclaiming your balls and walking away, all you do is post asinine questions on DCUM. No one here can solve that issue for you.

AMEN

Of course you were right to call. Kindness is never wrong. If you hurt someone is good to make amends why on earth would you let the hurt fester on either side.

Your wife's anger is misplaced.

You are invested in this picture of yourself.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not just that you and your partners were the people you are, and that the external forces happened as they did.

It's also that you made the choice -- twice -- to partner up (presumably for life) with someone whose strengths and weaknesses were not complimentary with yours. That is absolutely something to work on. Best luck.

#1 was “the one” - we could have fixed things. We were stupidly and naively happy together 99% of the time. We would have been together (dating or married) 30!! years this summer. We started dating as teens.

And that makes all of this worse and I drink my bitter cup every day. Life doesn’t seem to have much purpose apart from my kids. Even when I look at her pictures now with her new husband I catch myself smiling. At least she’s found happiness again. I’m just a broken sap.

OP, it's not just that you and your partners were the people you are, and that the external forces happened as they did.

It's also that you made the choice -- twice -- to partner up (presumably for life) with someone whose strengths and weaknesses were not complimentary with yours. That is absolutely something to work on. Best luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is only one constant in all your failed and/or unhealthy relationships. That is what needs to be worked on in therapy.

For the first marriage it looks like my depression and bad communication about our expected roles, my failure to take leadership of some important family matters, along with some personal issues the ex was working through at the same time. All of that combined to make therapy a mess. We should have separated and worked on ourselves and then worked together.

For the second marriage I have again failed to take leadership (different reasons - failing health and a struggle to maintain my job) combined with a wife who is very domineering. And my depression is worse because (i) I see what I lost with wife #1, (ii) I see the destruction it wrought on so many people, and (iii) now I feel trapped.

Common denominator: me. I should be single.

The end of your latest post, OP. I’m starting to think you’re a troll. This is nonsense.

OP, there is only one constant in all your failed and/or unhealthy relationships. That is what needs to be worked on in therapy.

OP, post your wife's phone number or email address. I think there's a lot of us on DCUM that would looooove to talk to her for you.

She is not a nice person. You sound like you are. PLEASE get away from her!

Anonymous wrote:OP, we can’t help you. You are clearly resigned to having your life utterly destroyed by your current wife, and instead of reclaiming your balls and walking away, all you do is post asinine questions on DCUM. No one here can solve that issue for you.

+1,000,000

I don't come on DCUM all that often and even I know who OP is.

OP, leave your wife or stop complaining about the life you have decided you want to live.

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing.

Now you need to step up and reestablish contact with your children. Be brave, OP. You are NOT trapped.

Well never mind, I see you already did that. Look for your wife to try to sabotage it. Don't let her.

You did the right thing.

Now you need to step up and reestablish contact with your children. Be brave, OP. You are NOT trapped.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you need to get approval from your wife? Can you not have a conversation and say whatever you like without her permission?

Speaking of which I had my first call with my kids in over a year a few weeks ago. Wife INSISTED it be on speaker so she could hear. (Incidentally kids are thrilled to reconnect and we text multiple times a day and now talk every few days.)

Everything comes down to my lack of judgment (which I concede based on illness/cognitive issues) but that seems to excuse infantilizing me in every situation. In other words, you have bad judgment here and here, so everything needs to be vetted first.

Wife also demanded a “truthful” retelling in full of my convo with ex MIL, which we have not had yet.

I hate my life but for now am trapped.

It sounds like you’re married to my step-mother. She’s jealous and insecure and wants to pretend that my father’s life started when he met her (even though she, too, had been married and is more than happy to incorporate her past life into their new life). Be a better person than my dad - don’t let her ruin your relationships. My dad is a shell of a human now. It’s very sad.