There's a book called One and Only by Lauren Sandler that talks through a lot of the concerns related to stopping with one or to have more kids. It may be worth a look.

I come from a big, problematic family like you OP, and I have always been adamant about only wanting 1 child. Now that my DS is almost 8 and claims to want a sibling, I do feel slightly guilty, but I also feel like I'm at my capacity to be a good parent as is, so it's the right answer for me.

OP, no, it's not. Everyone is different. Don't let other people shame you for only having one. You do you and be happy with it. This is coming from someone that has 3 kids!

Having an only is the best. We knew what was right for us (bad pregnancy, traveling husband, etc). DS is 23 now. Never cared about having a sibling. He had lots of friends and cousins and attention from us, not to mention trips to Europe and no college loans. You do you. Don't worry about what society thinks you should do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a huge gift to give your child or children additional siblings. One they will have their whole lives. But it is not required, nor is it selfish not to go above and beyond what you can afford or emotionally manage.

Or a terrible nightmare depending on the sibling.

Or just kind of meh. I have a sibling. We almost never talk (I see him maybe once a year and we don't talk on the phone), he does not make my life better or richer or more meaningful in any way, he cannot and will not be of any assistance when my parents start to need more care, and once they are gone, our relationship will be functionally over, unless I'm guilted into bailing him out of some mess he's gotten himself into. We were not friends as children and we have nothing in common as adults. I would have been happier as an only child.

Anonymous wrote:It is a huge gift to give your child or children additional siblings. One they will have their whole lives. But it is not required, nor is it selfish not to go above and beyond what you can afford or emotionally manage.

My DH and his sibling do not get along and are polar opposites. They see and talk maybe a hand full of times a year. I am super close with mine, but we are very opposite ends of the spectrum. Having siblings is not considered a gift to some, and its why my DH isn't excited at the thought of another.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 1 child is only selfish (or having any children is selfish) if you don't have a clear elder management plan for yourself and your spouse that does not involve your child ruining their life caring for you.

We do have a plan. We already have a retirement place purchased.

What is your plan. Over 55+ community? Elder care in home? long term care insurance?

55+? Are you kidding me, we are active. We don't want to be secluded with a bunch of depressed retirees. No, we got ourselves a condo in Florida, close to all the hospitals. We plan on being there until we are unable to care for ourselves. After that, nursing homes.

You could argue that it's selfish to have more than one if you know you'll have a tough time providing them the time and financial resources to ensure their success.

I have a relative who is about to be a parent for the second time--and already has a newborn. My relative and their partner are not married, and have a relatively low HHI. Some might say this is more selfish than stopping at one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 1 child is only selfish (or having any children is selfish) if you don't have a clear elder management plan for yourself and your spouse that does not involve your child ruining their life caring for you.

We do have a plan. We already have a retirement place purchased.

What is your plan. Over 55+ community? Elder care in home? long term care insurance?

With siblings there's no guarantee that they'll get along. I was supposed to be an only, but I have a sister. we are very opposite in every way possible. I've always been the nerdy ambitious one, she's sociable and didn't place emphasis on having a career at all. We fought so much up until our 20s, we're in our30s so not too long ago. If you want one kid and you're happy keep things as they are. I heard my parents once say that they regret having more than one kid

No, it's not selfish. Or at least, not more selfish than wanting two kids, or three kids, or whatever. Having kids is a pretty selfish decision in itself, in that most people do it because it's something they want, that they think will make them happy. No one has kids to be altruistic. So it's not helpful to frame it that way.

You want to stay with one kid, your husband wants more. You both need to listen to the other, think hard about your circumstances and personalities, and decide what works for your family. (And, as a general matter, one "no" is a veto, because kids deserve to have two parents who wholeheartedly wanted them.)

Give your child a sibling. I’m giving this advice from my heart.

Anonymous wrote:It is a huge gift to give your child or children additional siblings. One they will have their whole lives. But it is not required, nor is it selfish not to go above and beyond what you can afford or emotionally manage.

Or a terrible nightmare depending on the sibling.

I used to think it was selfish but that came from ignorance. I knew very few people without siblings. Now I think it depends on the family. Having another child you do not feel ready for seems like a terrible idea to me especially as you have had some experience of parenthood.

It is a huge gift to give your child or children additional siblings. One they will have their whole lives. But it is not required, nor is it selfish not to go above and beyond what you can afford or emotionally manage.