Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

My sister guilted her DH into a 3rd by telling him.. she’d always feel like something was missing and wondering what could have been. He finally relented. She was on bed rest the entire time with the 3rd (so other DCs were upset Mom couldn’t care for them..they had to have 2 nannies) and the 3rd has ADHD and is a complete handful...very different than the first two kids. DH left on the 3rd’s 2nd Birthday and they just finalized their divorce in January... her DH would never admit it but he couldn’t take the chaos and stress introduced my the 3rd. He now has a much younger GF and has DCs every other weekend. I guess I post this as a caution to be prepared for your life to take a turn from the perfect family if you get what you want.

My husband was also “content” with having two but I really wanted a third. He wasn’t adamantly opposed to a third which would likely have been a real stopper because you both need to be all in. There was no money issue but we were in our late 30’s which was a concern of his. But he agreed given how strongly I felt plus much of the burden would be on my shoulders and it was my body. Once he agreed he was all in as he was with the first two. We never argued about it but once he realized how much it meant to me he was ready to make it happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he needs convincing..then he does NOT want a 3rd kid.

They haven’t had the conversation yet! He might not be adamantly against it. He might have a particular concern, like worrying about less couple time, that can be addressed.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I am just asking for advice. I think having a plan is good. I have already taken care of the newborns, my DH is better with the toddler stage, so we have a good plan. My DH is in his early 40s, and mainly his concern is age, but a lot of people have their first child at his age.

Income security is a real consideration given the pandemic. Layoffs have only begun to start - first the service industry, next the white collar. I know folks laid off in big law, laid off in the massive hotel industry, laid off in finance. People who made good money. Not to rain on your parade, but you guys need to be prepared for significant drop in income at any point.

Anonymous wrote:If he needs convincing..then he does NOT want a 3rd kid.

They haven’t had the conversation yet! He might not be adamantly against it. He might have a particular concern, like worrying about less couple time, that can be addressed.

Anonymous wrote:Wait till this pandemic is over.

+1. If you got pregnant now, your baby would be born next winter when we’ll likely be experiencing a(nother) big wave of Covid. Don’t think you’d want to be pregnant, deliver a baby, have a newborn during a pandemic.

If he needs convincing..then he does NOT want a 3rd kid.

Anonymous wrote:I was about to say to be prepared to offer to do the heavy lifting on #3 but someone upthread said that's a bad idea

I said that, because it’s really unreasonable. Parenting IS the heavy lifting.

What happens if she promises to do all the work for #3 and after she gets pregnant she’s put on bed rest? Guess who’s doing all the heavy lifting—the DH. And suppose everything goes well and she has a healthy pregnancy and a healthy newborn. Is it never going to be his turn to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby? Postpartum mothers need support and having a mom never get a break because “she promised to do all the work” is a recipe for postpartum depression.

And here’s the worst part: This type of arrangement destroys the bond between the dad and baby. Taking care of a newborn is a lot of work BUT it’s in the small moments of holding a baby, feeding them and taking care of them that the parental bond is built and strengthened. Setting the expectation that the mom does everything robs both dad and baby of that bond. It also harms the martial relationship. Sharing the experience of parenting makes it less stressful. Setting the expectation that one parent is exempt from the work of parenting is the same as saying they’re exempt from the joy of parenting. They’re 2 sides of the same coin. It’s a bad plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Why on earth would you feel a sense of loss? You didn’t lose a kid.

I felt a sense of loss when we tried to have a third but couldn't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Why on earth would you feel a sense of loss? You didn’t lose a kid.

DP but she didn’t see “a sense of loss of life.” I feel a sense of loss over a career I didn’t pursue, a city I had to leave... this term isn’t exclusively about losing a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Why on earth would you feel a sense of loss? You didn’t lose a kid.

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Three is exponentially harder than 2.

Horrible thing you are doing trying to convince someone to take on that amount of responsibility and work. Just be happy with two.