Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't plan to file for a divorce. I am trying to understand if there is a way to save our marriage. For many reasons 1. because I still love him and cannot throw out 15 years of life together like that for the goal of splitting the assets. 2. Our son enters high school this year, applies for college in 2 years. He goes to private school, wants to be successful in life and get into a good college. At the moment he is in his room, with his desk at our marital home. Somewhat strained relationship with his dad because he lives in the basement. But all in all our son's life didn't change as we remain civilized and don't argue. I cannot initiate a divorce until his college plans are final, college is financed etc. 3. I am work from home mom: we build a small real estate empire during marriage that I manage and generate income. 50/50 partners. Also, my husband has interest in foreign companies being a fund manager. Divorce like that will be expensive and messy. I am not prepared for that as of now. 4. My grand father had a child out of wedlock, but it didn't prevent them reconcile with grandmother and live happily after that until he died. Being from former USSR where there are less eligible men than women, I believe that people can still work on marriage and I do feel that my husband still has feelings to me and is not rushing for a divorce himself. 5. The lady who I suspect is his mistress comes across to me like a beautiful blond corporate bitch. My husband probably sees that none of the comforts of traditional family with wife cooking, being submissive, taking care of him, being tender, forgiving etc. would not be available if he was to marry her. He gave her shares in his company, and I suspect she's waiting to "cash out" when the company is sold, while maintaining an affair with him.

It is a very complex situation, with many variables. I do know that I need to lawyer up of course and be ready just in case he files.

Can someone recommend a good lawyer, a good trust attorney, and a brand for the voice recorder for his car? I don't think my husband is seeing someone in the US, the mistress is likely overseas

If you don't do something he is going to divorce you and you'll be left fighting for crumbs, be careful!

I think you need to start collecting all financial info (aka putting your ducks in a row).
He seems smart but unbalanced. He is liable to act all of a sudden and in unexpected ways.
Be ready!

Why? Because he probably gets overstimulated being with the family. You cannot change that. Accept it or move on.

I don't know what went wrong, OP, but it's not something you can fix. It seems to be on his end. It seems to me you have a couple of options. You can keep playing along like you are now, taking whatever sops of affection or normal life he gives you, and try to be content with what sounds like a materially fulfilled life. Or you can refuse to play tennis or whatever it is he wants you to do unless you yourself also want to do it. You're not his doll to order around. Or, you can tell him you want to talk about what's going on and be straightforward -- tell him you value honesty above all else, you suspect he is seeing someone and planning to divorce you, and you want to know if that's why he is living in the basement and doing the hot and cold routine.

Any of these are reasonable. It depends what you want. If you don't want to divorce him, if you don't really want honesty if it turns out the answers are what you fear, if you are ok with playing tennis and cooking for him and doing his laundry even though he is only half in the relationship, it's ok to stay. But then you need to find a way to be happy with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband have Aspergers? It all sounds like a mental health issue, and not the other woman.

He never got tested I don’t know. He’s not social. Most things he was getting ballistic before were like smell of bacon, water dripping from faucet,
carpet wrinkled on the floor, my underwear left on floor etc. He likes perfect order in the house, dinner/lunch on schedule, nobody ever being late.
It started particular intensely about 4 years ago. But even then, he always kissed me good night, checked where I was during the day, would rather
stay hungry than making himself a sandwich when I was running late.
Now he no longer needs me like this in his day to day routine.

So he is craving quite time downstairs, where things are exactly the way he likes them. I think he is giving you his best, he does not have much to give at this point.

Why? How can I possibly change it back to him liking it upstairs ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband have Aspergers? It all sounds like a mental health issue, and not the other woman.

He never got tested I don’t know. He’s not social. Most things he was getting ballistic before were like smell of bacon, water dripping from faucet,
carpet wrinkled on the floor, my underwear left on floor etc. He likes perfect order in the house, dinner/lunch on schedule, nobody ever being late.
It started particular intensely about 4 years ago. But even then, he always kissed me good night, checked where I was during the day, would rather
stay hungry than making himself a sandwich when I was running late.
Now he no longer needs me like this in his day to day routine.

So he is craving quite time downstairs, where things are exactly the way he likes them. I think he is giving you his best, he does not have much to give at this point.

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband have Aspergers? It all sounds like a mental health issue, and not the other woman.

He never got tested I don’t know. He’s not social. Most things he was getting ballistic before were like smell of bacon, water dripping from faucet,
carpet wrinkled on the floor, my underwear left on floor etc. He likes perfect order in the house, dinner/lunch on schedule, nobody ever being late.
It started particular intensely about 4 years ago. But even then, he always kissed me good night, checked where I was during the day, would rather
stay hungry than making himself a sandwich when I was running late.
Now he no longer needs me like this in his day to day routine.

Does your husband have Aspergers? It all sounds like a mental health issue, and not the other woman.

Anonymous wrote:Y’all, I know we are all bored out of our gourds but NFW this is real. Play along if you want for entertainment value only.

Yes this is real unfortunately. I am confused myself by his behavior. Could it be just midlife crisis?

Y’all, I know we are all bored out of our gourds but NFW this is real. Play along if you want for entertainment value only.

Anonymous wrote:^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Yes, we are both from same country. He moved to the US 36 years ago, so he’s more American now I guess.
Our day today: played tennis together, then we were hanging out in the backyard. He was asking if I want to have improvements
in the garden done (long term improvements), what I thought of planting flowers here or there, having a hammock or Zipline added.
He wants to do Zipline in his garden himself (never thought of him being so adventurous).
Watched a movie. I excused myself first referring to bad plot, didn’t want to watch him going to basement. He said rather officially good night as I walked upstairs.

It’s almost like he’s punishing me for something with avoiding me as a woman, but still considers his wife. I don’t know what I’ve done
wrong: yes, I allowed myself to be too busy with our son who has Aspergers; allowed to be too busy with our joint business taking
night calls and sometimes not noticing that he already went to bed, forgot when he stopped bringing me jewelry from his trips....
Our son is a good swimmer, and I had a crazy schedule with 4am wake ups for 4 years in a row. He was always irritated by these
am workouts, because he traveled a lot and was drained at work, needed sleep.

I am not still certain it’s a mistress or his mid age crisis, or my missteps, or just overall exhaustion with family life. We’ve come through a lot
with our son, and thankfully he’s now almost “normal”.

But what I found in corporate documents and the timeline of the lady being hired to lead practice, her getting shares in his Luxembourg trust
coincide with his change of attitude to me. I am attractive. But that lady on his board is just stunning, looks like Sharon Stone. I don’t understand
how a woman that spectacular attractive would wait for him to divorce since 2012... I think she is waiting to cash out her states and doesn’t need him.

^ good luck, please come back with updates. You guys are both foreigners?

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.

In our case it won’t be just “a lot of paperwork”. It will be a rather lengthy case with court ordered “discovery” of his foreign holdings, me demanding higher stake in US assets because he built a banking company abroad in marriage and gave stake to his suspected mistress. Trust me that when I realize I can’t return him, I will fight with him for every cent for destroying our marriage. I am accumulating information about assets, copied his business files, saving money on my hidden account for lawyers etc. He gave shares in the company in Europe, that he promised will be our retirement place, to his mistress. He took me there to pick the houses, to choose school for our son. I am not wasting time and I am very angry deep inside. I so far consulted with one attorney but didn’t like her. Need to continue interviews and will be grateful for any tips.

I am generally giving myself a “deadline” when our son goes to college. But I don’t want anger him with financial claim until our son is out the door in college as this war will take a while. I will be 46, still not too old to build a life on my own. I actually even have a plan to go to Europe for a year and just live for myself walking museums, traveling, to recoup, before I am back to the US to my son and my mom.

Of course I don’t plan to live like that for 20 more years. My husband is respectful during the day, checks our sons homework, we go for vacation together in July to family friends. The house we live in is huge and has an apartment on lower level where my husband can cook himself. We can easily avoid seeing each other. It’s a de-facto separation with really good working parenting arrangement. I think a divorce will hurt my son more as my husband will get ballistic over splitting the assists. I can’t do it now, and I am still hoping to get him back

He’s not that attractive - bold and looks older his age. Personality wise, he’s pretty boring, just a home buddy likes watching old movies in our mother tongue and we speak our mother language at home. We do have much more in common, the history of the country we both came from, the struggles there to discuss that we both live through. We still talk a lot at home on anything that not touches our own relationship. He refused marriage therapy. I don’t see anything except assets that the other woman would want him they are not compatible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Don’t you snoop? Why haven’t you gone down in his Office to see what he’s doing. He’s most likely Skyping with the other woman.

Yes I tried it seems just business calls in the basement.

He probably has one of those free long distance call apps on his phone: whatsapp, viber, etc.

Divorce is really not hard. It is annoying and a lot of paperwork.

I would end it. You are not teaching your son how to treat a woman properly.

I am early 40s and finally got out (no cheating but bad since the beginning). I would not waste one more minute.