My first question to you is “what is your goal?” For many parents it is to raise a resilient child who can be self sustaining. But you and your husband must find your own goal for raising your children based on your values and life choices. Right now it appears the most important thing is to stabilize this child so that she is teachable and able to settle down. The tantrums and behavior are an attempt to control her environment.

123 Magic helps some children to stop, be able to think and decide how to proceed. This may stabilize a child so that they can learn the valuable skill of self-control. For other children it makes the parent responsible for their behavior and gives the child the impression that they don’t have to obey immediately but encourages the wrong thinking that they can delay right behavior. You must decide how this affects your child and use it accordingly.

Once a child is able to successfully complete the process of regulating and controlling their behavior, the book Dare to Discipline is a good choice for most parents and children. You and your husband need to be in agreement on how to proceed with this child. This will give her security. She needs this and unconditional love to be successful.

Screen time can be very difficult for children when the screen is HD. This means that the visual presentation is affecting the mind in real time i.e. as if it were a real experience. These experiences can quickly overwhelm the young immature mind. I suggest that you limit screen time and reintroduce it in small doses. You might also sit with her and help her to handle the information and experiences by modeling your own reactions and behavioral response to what is presented on the screen.

This is a child who needs to slow down, and progress at a pace that she can handle. I am praying for you and your husband. Just an aside, this often happens with children who are extremely smart and sensitive and once they learn to self-pace and control their behavior they excel. God bless you and your family. I am praying for you.

I have a similar just turned 5 year old. I know you said you feel bad for yelling back at her, but honestly something that has seemed to work for us is for me to show my real feelings with her such as yelling back or getting loud and annoyed when she is being difficult and ramping up to tantrum. Her therapist called it matching her emotion. I used to try so hard to be calm and soothing and hide my emotions when I was really seething due to her but it seems to trigger her more sometimes. A few minutes of yelling back and forth can end things in a hug for her pretty quickly rather than 30 min to an hour of me being calm and her raging at me. Just a thought. Good luck!

Thank you.

OP, I was apparently like this as a child (and some might argue long after that)!

Put all your energy into the core things: sleep, exercise and food.

You can't force her to sleep obviously, but do what you can to ensure she has plenty of sleep.

A lot of exercise will help with that. Bonus if you go with her since it'll boost your mood. Make this your #1 priority.

I was very sensitive to junk food. Sugar made me a monster. Offer yummy, unprocessed food with plenty of fat at predictable times.

Daily consistency so she knows what to expect as far as meals, screen time, school work, outside time etc.
Do not negotiate, explain the consequence when she is calm and enact it every single time. If she screams when TV is turned off or turns it off when she is not supposed to then she loses access to it for X amount of days. If she hits, kicks, scratches etc, she goes to her room immediately until she calms down and apologizes.
She is walking all over you and you need to get it under control so you can enjoy each other again.

OP here. I was on meds as a teen. I’m not opposed meds if needed, but trying to avoid or delay if possible. We may also explore OT when our world is a bit safer to do so.

Please keep things kind when responding (everyone has been really helpful so far!). Not critiquing anyone... but please check in if you feel emotional when responding, especially since we’re discussing tantrums. Lol

Anonymous wrote:i have five year old twins and one is exactly like this. I tend to ignore it and try to re-direct her. If I can't re-direct, I just let her tantrum and don't give attention to it. It's helped that she realizes that she doesn't get what she wants when she acts out.

Also, I find that getting her out early for exercise helps immensely. If I can get her out for 1-2 hours before lunch time, she is like a different person. If I really need to change the mood, I "add water." Any water - bath, shower, our pool, sprinkler, water table, whatever. Water activities almost always change her mood.

Do NOT put her on prescription drugs - that's insane. Children are having a very difficult time with this pandemic and lashing out is normal. This age is hard and I would try several approaches before just going with meds. She needs to learn coping skills.

I would encourage you to take a PEP Parenting class - they are very helpful and straightforward. I learned a lot about relying on the natural consequences to bad behavior and it's working. Good luck.

http://pepparent.org/

I’m the PP whose child is on meds. Your reaction and assumptions are interesting. Seems like something worth exploring.

One of my 4 year olds is just like this. Losing the structure and outlet of school made a lot of it worse. Responses here are helpful, thanks all.

As some earlier posters have said, things that have worked include ignoring the bad behavior (i.e. letting her go to her room and scream but not go after her) and, when that isn't possible, trying to change the subject (i.e. I will pull out my phone and play a song and start dancing).

Most of all, OP, please be kind to yourself. You did not ruin your child by losing your cool and yelling at her. Forgive yourself and move on. There is no such thing as a perfect parent.