Perhaps y’all could find a less high-end facility that would work for her in the same area?

OP here. Thanks for the replies. The assisted living facility is barely one. There is no 'next step' in the facility for when MIL needs extensive additional care.

The $2500 additional monthly expenses are the $25 hourly charge for any additional help which she needs a few times a year for several weeks, dental bills, medical copays, supplies for her 2BD apartment within the facility, prescription copays including full pay at certain times of the year, and she likes to keep some food in her fridge for when the delivered meals are not to her liking.

Yes, it's a bit high I agree. Could revisit those expenses again but don't want my MIL to feel that she is being nickeled and dimed.

Mostly I am super annoyed at my BIL. When my FIL died, he sort of ran over all of us and moved my MIL into this most expensive facility. We felt is was too expensive based on the money/income she had. But BIL is a big shot and SWORE he would cover it if/when it came to that. After several years, he decided he no longer wanted to cover it. DH and I committed to the $2K a month to keep the peace and MIL was happy -- but this was all pre-covid.

In reading everyone's response I think it is better if I just leave it alone. I doubt the sister really wants to be the primary caregiver and moving MIL into a nearby apartment while less expensive is not going to be easy to set up and if MIL's facility does open up a bit more -- we will regret having moved her.

My MIL lives in Palm Desert; my SIL in Beverly Hills; and we (DH and I) live in Colorado.

I like most am worried about money. We did tell the BIL that if my DH loses his job we will no longer be able to pay the monthly $2K.

Where does MIL want to live?

Op, one thing that stuck out to me is that you said you're hoping this plan would eliminate the money you spend on her. If so, your plan is pretty selfish. You want SIL to absorb the stress and commitment of taking care of your MIL while you and DH don't do anything. Although in your own words it's ok because she doesn't have a job.

I don't know, maybe I'm reading things differently but OP kind of sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have decided that none of my elders (parents, in laws, ex husband’s mother) are going into any group care setting unless it is 100% their preference and choice. DH is a hospice doctor and he saw terrible things even in the “best” places and this was before covid! I will take care of them and if I have to quit my job, so be it. I think home is almost always better and certainly more economical. These “luxury” places might smell and look better but I guarantee the staff is not getting luxury pay and underneath they’re all the same.

It's a tough call. My FIL, aunt and uncle love their facilities. I have heard a bunch of good stories and only a handful of issues in the nice ones often with family members who were quite difficult. The flip side is when adult children take in the the difficult elder. I know of 2 divorces where they were managing pre-caregiving and post the marriage exploded. I also know quite a few adult children who became very ill (cancer) while dealing with the stress of caregiving and ultimately had to put the loved one in a facilitiy for everyone's health. There are no easy answers, but it certainly is a bit easier when the person is mobile and pleasant.

The worst case scenarios BY FAR that I have seen have involved home care environments. I've seen enough to know that I can not provide care in my home.

I'm not surprised. I know if one case where they thought they were being saviors to mom taking her in and keeping from some "awful" assisted living, despite the fact she had a friend going in to that "awful" place who ended up having a nice 8 years there. Anyone, mom fell when there was no caregiver on duty-a bad one. I won't go into details, but the family they dissolved into siblings blaming the savior for not providing better care and the saviors breaking off contact and feeling quite bitter after sacrificing so much to care for mom and at one point a sibling took legal action. When the care gets challenging enough even with hired help a loved one can burn out and become abusive. At least in a facility you can have a camera in the room, you can hire someone to help you work with the care team and if a person is struggling with your parent, you can get a switch in care team. Plus, they have a peer group. Social lives are important and you cannot be your paren't whole social life-not healthy for anyone.

Anonymous wrote:Why does her foods and rent cost $6.5k but her monthly expenses are $9k?

The delta is usually care support with activities of daily living (dressing, bathing, assistance to bathroom, medication management, etc). Requires labor / care workers sometime multiple of them. This is what OP’s SIL would be assuming responsibility for. 24 hours a day 7 days a week... until someone dies.

I’d tell the administrator of the facility you lost a job and are having trouble tipping off her rent. They should cut you a discount - because their alternative is losing 100% of your current bill as not many ppl can / are willing to move in. Push hard. If you don’t ask you don’t get.

If your SIL agrees to take in your MIL and then your SIL has some sort of health emergency where she can no longer care for your MIL, what then? Are you prepared to take your MIL into your home?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have decided that none of my elders (parents, in laws, ex husband’s mother) are going into any group care setting unless it is 100% their preference and choice. DH is a hospice doctor and he saw terrible things even in the “best” places and this was before covid! I will take care of them and if I have to quit my job, so be it. I think home is almost always better and certainly more economical. These “luxury” places might smell and look better but I guarantee the staff is not getting luxury pay and underneath they’re all the same.

It's a tough call. My FIL, aunt and uncle love their facilities. I have heard a bunch of good stories and only a handful of issues in the nice ones often with family members who were quite difficult. The flip side is when adult children take in the the difficult elder. I know of 2 divorces where they were managing pre-caregiving and post the marriage exploded. I also know quite a few adult children who became very ill (cancer) while dealing with the stress of caregiving and ultimately had to put the loved one in a facilitiy for everyone's health. There are no easy answers, but it certainly is a bit easier when the person is mobile and pleasant.

The worst case scenarios BY FAR that I have seen have involved home care environments. I've seen enough to know that I can not provide care in my home.

Anonymous wrote:I have decided that none of my elders (parents, in laws, ex husband’s mother) are going into any group care setting unless it is 100% their preference and choice. DH is a hospice doctor and he saw terrible things even in the “best” places and this was before covid! I will take care of them and if I have to quit my job, so be it. I think home is almost always better and certainly more economical. These “luxury” places might smell and look better but I guarantee the staff is not getting luxury pay and underneath they’re all the same.

It's a tough call. My FIL, aunt and uncle love their facilities. I have heard a bunch of good stories and only a handful of issues in the nice ones often with family members who were quite difficult. The flip side is when adult children take in the the difficult elder. I know of 2 divorces where they were managing pre-caregiving and post the marriage exploded. I also know quite a few adult children who became very ill (cancer) while dealing with the stress of caregiving and ultimately had to put the loved one in a facilitiy for everyone's health. There are no easy answers, but it certainly is a bit easier when the person is mobile and pleasant.

Anonymous wrote:Why does her foods and rent cost $6.5k but her monthly expenses are $9k?

That is a huge gap. $2,500 a month for extras is more than I spend on my family of five.

Thing is, OP, you might not have many options. You SIL might agree to take in your MIL - you can always ask her. But if she doesn't agree, realistically you might not have other options except to keep her where she is. Many facilities are not accepting new residents due to Covid-19 and those that are have designated themselves as facilities that will accept Covid-19 positive residents, which puts your MIL at risk.

Also, even if your SIL does take in your MIL, it is often an arrangement that doesn't work. What would your plan be then? How much would you be willing and able to help? Would you end up spending more than $2k a month to help provide for your MIL if she did not have the resources to pay herself? What about caregiver burnout - how are you going to allow for your SIL to have vacations and time away from MIL?

I don't think you have any good options beyond setting a better budget so that you aren't paying $2,500 a month for extras.

Oh, and PP is right about the apartment issues. Your MIL isn't going to be able to uber to see friends - these facilities are on lockdown and there are no visitors allowed. And, once they open, guests aren't typically included in activities. She is likely to be more lonely in an apartment than any other arrangement.

OP there is a checklist for “activities of daily living” and another one for a level before that, I forget what it’s called exactly. It might be helpful for you to go through them with someone who sees your MIL day to day. I think you may be underestimating how much care she needs.

What are her monthly expenses beyond rent? Why are they so high?

Why does her foods and rent cost $6.5k but her monthly expenses are $9k?

OP, another question, does the Assisted Living place have a nursing home associated with it? What is the plan if MIL needs more assistance than Assisted Living can give? This is a key question to ask the Assisted Living facility.

Understand that Grandma is getting assistance with dressing and meds but the CNA's don't have time for a lot of socialization. They work at a fast pace going down the hall getting people dressed.

We have CNA's doing sidework for us and they have a very heavy work load in the Assisted Living places.