Sorry you married poorly. Gross.

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

Wow, OP. I was raised to be a WASP society woman on the Upper East Side, and ... am not. I did my hair and (minimal, to be honest) makeup in college. But it turns out my husband likes when my hair is a little wild and undone and he doesn't like a ton of makeup. I work because I love working. We have a vacation home, but we are both home. Working. Because we like our jobs. At one point, the family only had health insurance because of my job. We had income from family money and real estate investments so my salary wasn't a huge issue but the health insurance sure was. DH and I keep our house running fairly equally. We each have our "zones" or "expertise" and stick to what we're good at.

My daughters will grow up to be strong, capable women who can support themselves (and a family if that's what they choose).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to be clear my DH does help around the house but keeping it running falls on me if that makes sense. For example, meal planning. Our housekeeper/nanny shops and
cooks but for years I have to the one that prepares the list (luckily she now largely took this on herself). Or, keeping track of the school calendar and knowing tomorrow is PJ day. This sort of thing.

Oof. There’s got to be more to this. You have a housekeeper/nanny and are still feeling overwhelmed with the workload?

I agree with the person who said to let go. Are the kids happy, healthy, and kind? Great, then it’s okay to skip a birthday or not bring a present or wear jeans on pajama day. I am type A and trend toward controlling, so I had to learn to step back and let my kids and husband define their own priorities. It has alleviated a lot of stress.

I am typically not overwhelmed. It’s more why young woman are taught to work hard and pursue a career when in a relationship that career is not valued very highly by men but other skills (like homemaking) are. I totally understand the messaging that you need to have earning power but that doesn’t require straight As an Ivy League education...maybe a summer at the beach instead of an intense summer school program would be a better route. Ofcourse, there is always the woman who is happily the breadwinner with a SaHD but those relationships are extremely rare (don’t know a one IRL). The poster with the message work to live instead of live to work...that one resonated with me.

This is both an expectation and a husband problem. I was raised to always be self sufficient Nd make my own living. Actually my mom drilled into me to make enough for me and a child. I was choosy in husbands and found a wonderful partner. We make about the same and my career has more prospects but he is definitely more intellectual. He is fully 50/50 or more in house stuff including mental load. When our youngest had health issues he was a rick and scheduled everything and took care of so much. Right now in the pandemic I have to go to the office and he's working from home and also taking care of laundry and dinner most of the time. He does the finances and schedules some repairs. Keeps a calendar for birthdays etc. we both have our own things that we forget but we make it throguh together and he appreciates that I both have an interesting career and making money we can enjoy. We have a ton to talk about all the time. I have two girls and I will hopefully impart that they should study and work hard and know how to do everything from cooking to fixing a drain and to be choosy in friends and partners and to marry or settle with someone who appreciates them for them and has the same values and plans in life. If they want to stay home and be a wife/mother/homemaker, sure but they need to have a partner that's completely on board and appreciates that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

Tell them that being a single woman is a fi e choice, not like I. Our day when being an old maid was the worse thing you could be. It isnt.

If they marry pick a man who is not like your dh.

+1

I now teach my children about mental illnesses, ADHD, ASD as well as communication skills.

Most of all they need to confidence to walk away from red flags.

I tell my daughters that they always have to be financially self-sufficient and not to be at a spouse's mercy. Make sure you know that you can support yourself and that gives you confidence in a relationship (at least for me). Also, expect that the spouse is actively involved in the family/kids life. I don't know what that means if the husband travels a lot or is an MD, but the husband needs to have some sort of accountability for home/family life. This is important because they will feel engaged in this life if they have to work for it. Finally, your voice counts (whether at job or family) and that means your needs can be a priority as well since many women put their needs below everything else.

This is a tall order and not sure how many men would truly be a partner like this in a marriage.

OP, your thoughts whether women should de-prioritize studies and instead focus more on appearance is an interesting one. I wonder if that path leads to dependence or independence?

Finally, what are you teaching your sons about how to engage with wives in a marriage and what to look for in a spouse?

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

That's called selfish. And if he doesn't pitch in, that's called "misogyny."

Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?

We raise our girls to study hard, get good grades, stay out of trouble, participate in various activities and then go to college and maybe graduate school.

I married someone and was blindsided - hard- by his aspergers once we had kids and he hit the wall. Betting on some SAHW scenario where your rich husband is not a workaholic, cheater, misogynist, idiot, or alcoholic frat boy is not how I would raise anyone.

You get your self worth internally. It's a shame your spouse doesn't respect or care for elements of your life - but that is a reflection of HIS shortcomings, not yours. Teach your daughters that.

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my daughters to pick a better husband. Mine does more than 50% of the housework, hands down.

I am not telling my own children to wait until marriage for sex though. I dealt with so much sexual guilt and stress and it has really screwed up our love life (DH came from the same kind of household, so we have it from both sides)

I would tell my kids that you have to pick the person that works for you, not where you give up what’s important to you to be with someone. You need to be aligned about working to live or living to work or where you fall in between. As for sex, I doubt my kids would ever want to discuss that with me but it is definitely an important part of marriage. Bottom line is know thyself and pick wisely.

We have a boy and a girl, both teens. We have taught them that a healthy relationship is built on respect and communication. And that you should always be kind to others. The rest will follow. They both are currently in what I would call appropriate, healthy relationships. They both have ECs they are passionate about, and make time for their friends and boy/girlfriend while making school a priority (although with the current grading plan, even they see school as a bit of a joke right now).

Anonymous wrote:I think you should not assume that all men are like your DH and all marriages are like yours.

This times a million!

How old are you OP?

I was raised in a very traditional household (SAHM) but it was expected that I would go to college and have a career. My parents never talked to me about what type of husband to have or anything like that. How retro your ideas are.

I think you should not assume that all men are like your DH and all marriages are like yours.

In the midst of a divorce, and will teach my DD to never ever depend on a man, or anyone for that matter for money, no matter what. My mom drilled that into me growing up and I’m glad I could get out whenever I could.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - to be clear my DH does help around the house but keeping it running falls on me if that makes sense. For example, meal planning. Our housekeeper/nanny shops and
cooks but for years I have to the one that prepares the list (luckily she now largely took this on herself). Or, keeping track of the school calendar and knowing tomorrow is PJ day. This sort of thing.

Oof. There’s got to be more to this. You have a housekeeper/nanny and are still feeling overwhelmed with the workload?

I agree with the person who said to let go. Are the kids happy, healthy, and kind? Great, then it’s okay to skip a birthday or not bring a present or wear jeans on pajama day. I am type A and trend toward controlling, so I had to learn to step back and let my kids and husband define their own priorities. It has alleviated a lot of stress.

I am typically not overwhelmed. It’s more why young woman are taught to work hard and pursue a career when in a relationship that career is not valued very highly by men but other skills (like homemaking) are. I totally understand the messaging that you need to have earning power but that doesn’t require straight As an Ivy League education...maybe a summer at the beach instead of an intense summer school program would be a better route. Ofcourse, there is always the woman who is happily the breadwinner with a SaHD but those relationships are extremely rare (don’t know a one IRL). The poster with the message work to live instead of live to work...that one resonated with me.