You sound like a classic "I hate dad's wife" kind of kid. I can only imagine what your behavior has been like over the years. I would guess you had a very strained relationship with him once he remarried, which I am sure would have been heartbreaking to him.

You clearly resent that your father spent time and money on his wife and her kids, that's for sure. Maybe your dad willingly did do because he liked them and wanted to help. It is certain her kids were there during his illness and final chapter in life. The fact they willingly took care of his arrangements is something YOU should be ashamed of since you are his legal next of kin.

Yes you get kudos for sending him money but you made it a point of keeping score. That's not a genuine act of giving, especially to a parent in need.

The stepfamily had said they would take photos and a video, at the gravesite, and would send them to my aunt via phone or email but she never received anything from them either.

My dad was always a nice quiet man. He always had a good job. Once, when I visited him, I asked him why he had taken a second part-time evening job. He had co-signed on a loan to help his stepdaughter’s husband keep his business. They lost the business and my dad got stuck paying the loan back for years.. They also moved in with my dad and his wife for a few years. My dad was also asked to provide a lot of help to one of his stepsons.

When my dad first asked us for help, after his retirement, it was because he had maxed out credit cards and could not afford some dental work. We continued to help him for several years even though we did not know if his wife was spending part of that money. When she passed away, we offered to help him move near or to stay with us but he chose to be a renter and stay in the same area where he has lived for over twenty years. It is half way across the country from us.

I am surprised by how many people are judgy here. If there were a polite way to find out why the stepfamily has not followed through with sending a box then I might ask them again but most people here think that it was an unreasonable request so it may be better to just forget about it.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think we can judge OP for not attending a funeral during a pandemic.

However, if you saw your dad before you should have asked for these things directly from him and taken them with you. Who knows where those things are now.

Who is the estate executor?

There isn’t one. He had closed his bank account to pay off a credit card debt and signed his car over so they could sell it to help pay for his final costs right before he went to hospice. It was the hospice nurse who told me his since she must have thought that I should know about it. I was able to bring a few things back but wanted to spend my time with him not going through his things.

I don’t think we can judge OP for not attending a funeral during a pandemic.

However, if you saw your dad before you should have asked for these things directly from him and taken them with you. Who knows where those things are now.

Who is the estate executor?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A graveside service is a funeral.

People often have some sort of short term insanity surrounding a close relative’s death, and money is at the heart of all their complaints. You seem to be suffering from this common ailment. Wishing you peace.

Does this mean that I should forget about the photos? Is it crazy to wonder why they did not follow through with sending them?

.

My dad did not want a service. They decided to do this themselves and they were the only ones to attend it.

Anonymous wrote:A graveside service is a funeral.

People often have some sort of short term insanity surrounding a close relative’s death, and money is at the heart of all their complaints. You seem to be suffering from this common ailment. Wishing you peace.

Does this mean that I should forget about the photos? Is it crazy to wonder why they did not follow through with sending them?

A graveside service is a funeral.

People often have some sort of short term insanity surrounding a close relative’s death, and money is at the heart of all their complaints. You seem to be suffering from this common ailment. Wishing you peace.

My dad had two siblings who traveled to visit him before he passed but they also did not feel they could afford to travel back there again so soon. The stepkids had agreed to send my dad’s photos before I sent them the check. Everyone seemed okay with this at the time. After I sent the check, I have heard nothing.

Anonymous wrote:You should have flown out for the funeral and then gone through his things yourself.

There was no funeral. I did send them a check for most of the final costs after they had already paid a deposit. I only asked for photos and some of his papers. They were welcome to anything else. Legally, his last SSI check and his car should go to his final costs, and they were welcome to keep anything of value after that.

You should have flown out for the funeral and then gone through his things yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I could only afford one trip, then I chose to see him before, rather then after, and think that was the right choice.

Honestly, costs to attend your fathers funeral are the types of costs you put on your credit card and deal with later.

While I don’t think I’d ignore you, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t go out of my way to fill your requests.

There was no funeral.

Anonymous wrote:You should like a crappy child.

How does sending your father tens of thousands of dollars over many years to help him make one a crappy child? This is a father who spent most of my life taking care of somebody else’s kids.

Anonymous wrote:You may need to plan another trip to pick up his things. It is a big big job to sort, pack up and ship items when someone does. Just be as kind as possible, and arrange to fly out there at a time that works for them (or send a blood relative local to them to do it).

That is a good idea but it would have to be after quarantine and I don’t know if there is anything left to sort through if I do not hear from them. They may have tossed things out already. I was thinking there would only be one box of photos and papers to ship and would gladly pay the fee for that.

Anonymous wrote:If I could only afford one trip, then I chose to see him before, rather then after, and think that was the right choice.

Honestly, costs to attend your fathers funeral are the types of costs you put on your credit card and deal with later.

While I don’t think I’d ignore you, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t go out of my way to fill your requests.