Anonymous wrote:You were not even married to him. Sounds like the guy never wanted a life or a child with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

It doesn’t work that way (unless you agree to that specially). It is based on a formula. If your ex has little to no income, frankly you’re lucky to get $400 a month as it sounds like that DOES cover at least a part of his expenses.

I get that you’ve been doing the hard work for 11 years and it feels unfair. But, your kid has two parents whether you like it or not and you are taking his money for child support so I think it’s reasonable that he get a say and some formal visitation. The court order is good to protect both of you.

So why did he choose to not participate at all for the past 11 years? Why is his plan to continue the non-particiaption except for when it comes to saying yes or no to me when I have to make a decision? Why does he choose not to work despite being provided every opportunity in life?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of a court order you don’t actually have 100% physical custody. It is joint unless otherwise specified.

He isn't denying that I have or SHOULD have 100% physical custody even in his complaint. So, yes, I have 100% physical custody. No party is disputing this.

Since I have no desire to deny him visitation (never have) I think it's only fair I have the legal custody as well. If he wants to be more than a weekend buddy he can start by doing the work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of a court order you don’t actually have 100% physical custody. It is joint unless otherwise specified.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

It doesn’t work that way (unless you agree to that specially). It is based on a formula. If your ex has little to no income, frankly you’re lucky to get $400 a month as it sounds like that DOES cover at least a part of his expenses.

I get that you’ve been doing the hard work for 11 years and it feels unfair. But, your kid has two parents whether you like it or not and you are taking his money for child support so I think it’s reasonable that he get a say and some formal visitation. The court order is good to protect both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

Where are you living that it is an extra $1000 a month? You need to find cheaper housing. If Dad doesn't have visits, you can live further and split travel. Our entire mortgage is less than you spend on your housing. Its free to have our kids in our home as we bought a 3 bedroom so our basic expenses are food, clothing (not very much) and activities.

If he only wants Sunday's that's fine. Move to a cheaper area, you each drive one way or meet half way on Sunday and be done with it. You don't need to live in the same building if he only sees the child once a week. You choose to live in that building. Tell him you want him to have three (settle for 1-2) evenings a week and Sunday. Tell him you want $800-1K in child support. Tell him what you want and meet in-between.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What constitutes legal joint custody, why is that a big deal, and does it need to be 50/50?

And having a dad play with their kid only 1 day a week, while the mom does most of the heavy lifting, sounds about right in many families. Not saying it is the way it should be, just stating that this is how it is in many non-divorce situations.

It's a big deal because I would need to consult him before every decision I make for our child. He has never expressed any interest in participating before. He has not attended a single school meeting. And if I'm perfectly honest it really pisses me off that after 11 years he is trying to pull this stunt.

Why do you think he is asking for it? If he has no interest in being involved and never has, what do you think is behind this request?

Yes, this. I would definitely talk to a lawyer.

I have a lawyer already, of course. I am just venting here. I really don't have the extra money to spend on a lawyer but it is what it is.

My ex is a trust fund baby, but shows no income on a tax return. His dad paid off his condo, put half a million in a brokerage account but I can't touch that of course.

Then, just agree to a weekly visit, joint custody in exchange for an increase in child support. No need to fight about it. You want money, he wants a say in his kids life and a regular visitation schedule. Both reasonable requests. Compromise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What constitutes legal joint custody, why is that a big deal, and does it need to be 50/50?

And having a dad play with their kid only 1 day a week, while the mom does most of the heavy lifting, sounds about right in many families. Not saying it is the way it should be, just stating that this is how it is in many non-divorce situations.

It's a big deal because I would need to consult him before every decision I make for our child. He has never expressed any interest in participating before. He has not attended a single school meeting. And if I'm perfectly honest it really pisses me off that after 11 years he is trying to pull this stunt.

Why do you think he is asking for it? If he has no interest in being involved and never has, what do you think is behind this request?

Yes, this. I would definitely talk to a lawyer.

I have a lawyer already, of course. I am just venting here. I really don't have the extra money to spend on a lawyer but it is what it is.

My ex is a trust fund baby, but shows no income on a tax return. His dad paid off his condo, put half a million in a brokerage account but I can't touch that of course.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What constitutes legal joint custody, why is that a big deal, and does it need to be 50/50?

And having a dad play with their kid only 1 day a week, while the mom does most of the heavy lifting, sounds about right in many families. Not saying it is the way it should be, just stating that this is how it is in many non-divorce situations.

It's a big deal because I would need to consult him before every decision I make for our child. He has never expressed any interest in participating before. He has not attended a single school meeting. And if I'm perfectly honest it really pisses me off that after 11 years he is trying to pull this stunt.

Why do you think he is asking for it? If he has no interest in being involved and never has, what do you think is behind this request?

Yes, this. I would definitely talk to a lawyer.