Hah I had to do a double take as to whether I wrote this because I also have a 2 and 4 y/o and we often say the inmates are running the asylum these days. Some days are better than others, but I think these are tough ages for a pandemic. The toddler gets into everything and understandably our 4 y/o gets annoyed when his legos or trains get messed up with his younger sibling.

Things are gradually getting better though. A few things we’ve done — I’ve stopped trying to control screen time. We are working from home and it just has to be one sometimes to entertain them. Now that it’s always available it’s losing its luster. My son (older 4 so maybe more independent than a young 4) just decided on his own he is tired of tv and is playing with train tracks right now as my DH puts our 2 y/o down for a nap. So maybe just cut yourselves some slack in allowing the t.v. to be on. This won’t ruin them forever (I hope!).

Suggest fun activities to make them want to take a break from t.v. I try to plan one fun thing each day during an afternoon break — pulling out water colors, kinetic sand, going for a long walk, etc. I find the kids are bored of screen time and get excited about doing stuff together. And the more positive attention they get from me, the more they’re willing to leave me alone a bit to work.

We’ve been majorly picking our battles. Some days my 4 y/o wants to dress up in collared shirts and some days stay in pajamas all day. I. Do. Not. Care. We bought fun light up tooth brushes that make them want to brush teeth. We have breakfast waiting for them in the morning and eat dinner as a family, but otherwise I don’t care if they graze and don’t have a true lunch. Basically, I’m trying to give them as much control over their lives as I reasonably can while also keeping some structure to our days.

Also, I make sure to discipline evenly. I send both kids to their room if they’re really acting out. Obviously the 2 year old is ready to comply with just about anything after a minute alone crying. Our 4 y/o I tell to come out when he’s ready to settle down and talk. I think he appreciates younger brother getting the same type of discipline though because I noticed he had more outbursts when he felt his younger brother was “getting away” with more because he’s younger.

There’s really no magic solution OP. This won’t last forever. They won’t be 2 and 4 for too long.

Anonymous wrote:I never ask my kids to do something. I tell them. Because it's not a choice.

Here's what would happen:

Me: It's time to put all your blocks in the basket and then wash hands for dinner.
DS4: No.
Me: That wasn't a request. You have until the count of 3 and then you get punished. 1, 2, 3.
DS4: NO
Me: Okay. Go to your room. Don't come out until you're ready to apologize and do what you were told. Are you going to walk on your own or am I carrying you?
DS4: No. I'm still playing.
Me: No you're not. You lost that privilege by refusing to do what you were told. You have until the count of 3 to go to your room or I will MAKE you go. 1, 2, 3.
DS4: Taking a strong stance for political preschoolers everywhere, stays still.
Me: Okay.

And then I scoop him up and deposit him in his room. "You can come out when you're ready to put your blocks away and wash hands for dinner. We'll be eating dinner without you."

And then I close the door and walk away. And if he screams through dinner, so be it. If he trashes his room, he will clean it up.

(My personal rule on kids cleaning up is that as long as they start doing it, I will help them. Big messes can feel overwhelming, even for adults. So I'm fine with helping a kid clean up their toys as long as they begin first. If they stop because they see I'm doing it, I stop and encourage them to keep going.)

Or you could just drop the rope.

At my house it’s more like:

Me: “Wash your hands and come to dinner.”
DS: “No! I’m busy.”
Me: “Please join us when you’re done.”

Proceed to eat.

DS, 5 minutes later: washes hands, comes to the table & eats.

Anonymous wrote:4 is hard and Especially now.
We allow so many things and pick battles. We never did much tv/iPad and it was always very scheduled and not random so she asks sometimes but it doesn't get her anywhere.
Schedule is pretty rigid these days and it helps. Clean up is together since she does the "but I can't do it" song and dance.
I try really really hard not to lose it all day. I set consequences that I'm willing to go through with "mommy leaves room if she's stalling putting on pjs" ," toys get thrown out if they are not picked up" (I have thrown out one toy (a plastic something) once 4 months ago and it was a giant tantrum but we kept firm.
We do a lot of together time, reading, playing, outside as we can, jumping in puddles, getting muddy. If she asks to sit in my lap I always say yes. If she wants to be carried up and down stairs (like her baby sister) I oblige for a couple steps then or promise to do it when the baby is put down.
Lots and lots of praise for things she's been doing well for a while but needs additional happy vibes from me (using her fork, asking for water and saying please, bringing toys tj her sister, washing hands). It's the "you did a good job doing x" all day here.

I love the fact that you always let her climb in your lap and don’t immediately deny wanting to be carried upstairs like her baby sister. I wish I’d done this (my kids are big now, and I definitely didn’t always let them). Reading Leahy now, though, has convinced me that connection is the key. If your kid feels heard/seen/safe/loved the rest of it can be worked out. I spent too much time figuring out consequences and trying to be firm and I wish now I’d focused more on just connecting. Eye contact, listening etc.

Anyway/ sad mom or older kids here. Give yours an extra hug- you won’t regret it!

It’s really really hard. Schedule and consistency and routine will help you get through this. Lots of screens is fine, but make it at predictable times that work for you. 1 show after breakfast. A movie after lunch. 30 minutes of iPad while you’re cooking dinner. Whatever it is, make it the same each day and at times that make sense to your 4 year old. And don’t let them change your mind or bend. It’s easier in the moment but will bite you in the a$$ later on down the line.

Make meals and Snacks at regular times, not just any kid who wants a cracker gets a cracker.

Yes we are in survival mode now, but trust me that structure will help you survive. Take two weeks to come up with a plan, introduce it, ask your kids if they want to help come up with pictures for the plan, whatever so they have some ownership of it. Then give it 2 weeks of work and I bet you’ll see improvement

4 is hard. I swear I have considered telling my DD that I just got off the telephone with the Paw Patrol and Marshall says she should listen to me to get her to do things. She likes to push limits -- just one more, in a minute, etc. are common initial responses to any request that she do something.

OP, I am sure your are doing better than you think.

I liked Berry Brazelton's books.

I really like Janet Lansbury. She has a podcast, Unruffled, and a book, No Bad Kids.

Hand-in-Hand Parenting is great, with videos and ways to help you build stronger connections with your child, learn and be supported as a parent. They're offering free info about Listening Partnerships and Special Time:
https://fyuhhu8v.pages.infusionsoft.net/

I think it is really hard now, and sticking to a posted visual schedule can help, along with using timers. I am a big fan of 123 Magic, but your child has to have the cognitive understanding of it and you have to be very consistent. Read upon logical consequences. Read books to your kid about kids or cartoon animals who learn to follow directions. Talk about feelings when there is not an issue happening and role play how to cooperate, even when you don’t want to. TV can be very addictive for some kids, and you just have to hold the limit. Keep some distracting, special things on hand to whip out when you see a tantrum coming on to redirect before it hits. “Since TV time os over, we will have to blow these bubbles in the back yard and see if we can blow them over the fence!” Humor and challenges like blow over the fence are effective at this age.

Sounds like you already are a good parent for recognizing what's not working for your family! Those ages are really hard even when there isn't a pandemic going on.

If this is something that has only started to happen while everyone's been home, it's hard to say how much parenting books will help. I've read a lot of them and none of them have a chapter titled "how to handle behavioral issues during a pandemic and other shelter-in-place issues." Maybe there are a few things you could simply tweak. PPs have a lot of good suggestions.

My very willful soon-to-be 4yo DD doesn't respond to choices (she'll simply declare that she wants neither option and will choose something else entirely) and will negotiate and argue every little thing. She acts up to get attention. Two things seem to work: as much quality time with her as possible (which isn't easy since I have a 6yo DS who also wants to spend lots of time with me); and being silly. Silliness diffuses the power struggles and also serves as a distraction because often something I say or do will catch her attention and then we'll start talking about that instead of why she can't wear her swimsuit outside or whatever.

4 is hard and Especially now.
We allow so many things and pick battles. We never did much tv/iPad and it was always very scheduled and not random so she asks sometimes but it doesn't get her anywhere.
Schedule is pretty rigid these days and it helps. Clean up is together since she does the "but I can't do it" song and dance.
I try really really hard not to lose it all day. I set consequences that I'm willing to go through with "mommy leaves room if she's stalling putting on pjs" ," toys get thrown out if they are not picked up" (I have thrown out one toy (a plastic something) once 4 months ago and it was a giant tantrum but we kept firm.
We do a lot of together time, reading, playing, outside as we can, jumping in puddles, getting muddy. If she asks to sit in my lap I always say yes. If she wants to be carried up and down stairs (like her baby sister) I oblige for a couple steps then or promise to do it when the baby is put down.
Lots and lots of praise for things she's been doing well for a while but needs additional happy vibes from me (using her fork, asking for water and saying please, bringing toys tj her sister, washing hands). It's the "you did a good job doing x" all day here.