Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:31
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
OP, do not budge on the ILs. For many of the reasons already posted. Do not budge on the car-seat, either. That actually tells us more about your DH than anything.
Right now, you have a newborn and a preschooler, in the midst of a pandemic, so you need to focus on them and your own self-care. But you also need to begin planning. This marriage is not sustainable for the long-haul, and you need to begin thinking about that, planning for that, and preparing for that financially.
Personally, I would worry about X-DH having your kids on his own in the future. Begin to document his behavior, his outlier tendencies, his refusal to follow mandated safety standards for children. Carefully document all that. I’m sorry, but you’re going to need this in the future. But for now, just stay safe and begin planning. Good luck.
Right now, you have a newborn and a preschooler, in the midst of a pandemic, so you need to focus on them and your own self-care. But you also need to begin planning. This marriage is not sustainable for the long-haul, and you need to begin thinking about that, planning for that, and preparing for that financially.
Personally, I would worry about X-DH having your kids on his own in the future. Begin to document his behavior, his outlier tendencies, his refusal to follow mandated safety standards for children. Carefully document all that. I’m sorry, but you’re going to need this in the future. But for now, just stay safe and begin planning. Good luck.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:30
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:I am not one of the DCUMers who are constantly advocating divorce. I am a firm believer that marriage is a compromise and both parties have to work to make any marriage good and healthy. That said, it doesn't sound like your DH will ever compromise on anything, and this is just a sign of what is to come in a whole assortment of issues.
I think you need to ask yourself how you feel about the longterm chances for your marriage surviving. Do you want to stay married to him, given that is personality likely won't change? If you did divorce, can you support yourself and the kids? I suspect he would make divorce a nightmare.
If you do love him and do want to stay married to him, then I don't see how you keep the ILs away. And then you might very well be facing them living with you even longer term.
Your husband clearly has a stronger bond to his parents than his own children and uses unreasonableness to get his way. Guilting you over his parents' potential death due to their own irresponsible behavior, at the risk of your own family, is not a psychologically healthy man, IMO.
Does your husband believe in science and modern medicine? I’m trying to understand how far his outlier beliefs go...
Would he believe your pediatrician? Could you schedule a telehealth appointment and have your pediatrician read him the riot act?
Regardless of your husband’s fringe beliefs, OP you have to protect your children. Your husband is not going to do it which means your children only have you. Be the parent.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:23
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can’t make parents do things. They don’t lose their rights to autonomy just because we don’t like their decisions. Uncomfortable, but true.
OP here and yes, I completely agree. My parents are the same age as ILs and very concerned about their risky behavior, but they told me that it's up to ILs to decide to stop working on their own and that it's not my and DH's place to try to control their behavior. I was surprised by their position, at first, but now I see that autonomy is something that all older people are sensitive to.
OP, where do your parents live?
Would you be able to go stay with them if your husband brings your ILs to your apartment?
Your marriage is already on the rocks. Your husband is literally telling you he doesn’t care about his newborn baby’s life very much. There is no way around this. He will put on blinders to your family’s needs and pick his parents’ comfort every time. Your husband is picking his parents’ convenience over your baby’s health.
Are you okay with those trade offs?
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:21
Subject: Re:ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have itAs to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.
Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.
But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.
I'm assuming you put your foot down and put your preschooler in a car seat each and every time, right?
If not, you meed to seriously reevaluate your marriage. It cannot come at the cost of your children's safety. That includes car seat use (the number one cause of death for children ages 2-14 is motor vehicle crashes) and exposure to coronavirus in the middle of a lockdown.
You need to stop making excuses for your DH's unreasonableness and start protecting your kids.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:10
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
I am not one of the DCUMers who are constantly advocating divorce. I am a firm believer that marriage is a compromise and both parties have to work to make any marriage good and healthy. That said, it doesn't sound like your DH will ever compromise on anything, and this is just a sign of what is to come in a whole assortment of issues.
I think you need to ask yourself how you feel about the longterm chances for your marriage surviving. Do you want to stay married to him, given that is personality likely won't change? If you did divorce, can you support yourself and the kids? I suspect he would make divorce a nightmare.
If you do love him and do want to stay married to him, then I don't see how you keep the ILs away. And then you might very well be facing them living with you even longer term.
Your husband clearly has a stronger bond to his parents than his own children and uses unreasonableness to get his way. Guilting you over his parents' potential death due to their own irresponsible behavior, at the risk of your own family, is not a psychologically healthy man, IMO.
I think you need to ask yourself how you feel about the longterm chances for your marriage surviving. Do you want to stay married to him, given that is personality likely won't change? If you did divorce, can you support yourself and the kids? I suspect he would make divorce a nightmare.
If you do love him and do want to stay married to him, then I don't see how you keep the ILs away. And then you might very well be facing them living with you even longer term.
Your husband clearly has a stronger bond to his parents than his own children and uses unreasonableness to get his way. Guilting you over his parents' potential death due to their own irresponsible behavior, at the risk of your own family, is not a psychologically healthy man, IMO.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:09
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:This is a no brainer for me. If the parents come, I’m leaving with the baby. End of story.
PS - sorry your husband’s a moron.
I know right? I can’t believe this is even a question.
OTOH I can see why NYC is a hotspot if everyone is as careless as OP and her husband. Still, it takes a special kind of idiot to be so careless with a newborn’s life.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:06
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:You can’t make parents do things. They don’t lose their rights to autonomy just because we don’t like their decisions. Uncomfortable, but true.
OP here and yes, I completely agree. My parents are the same age as ILs and very concerned about their risky behavior, but they told me that it's up to ILs to decide to stop working on their own and that it's not my and DH's place to try to control their behavior. I was surprised by their position, at first, but now I see that autonomy is something that all older people are sensitive to.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:02
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
This is a no brainer for me. If the parents come, I’m leaving with the baby. End of story.
PS - sorry your husband’s a moron.
PS - sorry your husband’s a moron.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 08:01
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wait...
Did you say you have a newborn baby???
And you want to bring two people with high risk of exposure to live with you? No, no, no! Instead of thinking about protecting your ILs - who can easily protect themselves - you should be thinking about protecting that baby!!!! Respiratory illnesses are often deadly in babies.
How are you going to feel if you bring the grandparents over and your newborn ends up on a respirator or dead?
Protect your baby.
they could stop working and then wait at home for 2 weeks in VA before coming to NYC. but it doesn't sound like they'd be the types to actually stay in for 2 weeks.
Nope, they won't do this. I told DH to tell them that they have to stay at home for two weeks, or bare minimum, a week, before coming to visit and he said they would for maybe two days.
You and your husband are incredibly irresponsible for even considering this. At least call your pediatrician beforehand. Honestly, what you’re considering is akin to child abuse.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 07:58
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:As has already been noted, the Ins are at greater risk in NYC than in VA. On top of which, your husband is putting you and your family at greater risk by bringing them up. Two people who refuse to stay home in VA are not going to sit inside in your apartment in NYC. They will be going out and potentially bringing the virus back into your home. Does your DH not understand the risk of this. My parents (who are at high risk for multiple reasons) refuse to stay home. They come up with an excuse every single day to go out, go to stores, pick up food different places because they can't stand to stay inside. And they never wear a mask.
I actually am not worried about them sheltering in place once they get here. They have the kids to keep them occupied and when they come to visit, they never go anywhere except to the park and only if DH takes them. But yes, we are all at greater risk if they come here.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 07:57
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:They are safer in their a grocery store than in nyc.
Especially since you have no data that they will take appropriate steps to protect themselves in nyc, and then your whole family is at risk. They sound childish and I predict they will not shelter in your apartment and soon will be saying things like “you can’t expect us to stay inside all day!”
Anonymous
04/24/2020 07:57
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Then get his parents out of harm's way.
How?
You outlined several options in your op. You make it sound as if you have no choice but to remove them from their current situation or your marriage is over. How important is staying married? Is it more important than being stubborn? There are ways to achieve the goal of protecting their health without jeopardizing yours.
OP, it sounds like you’re in a tough spot. You’re going to have decide if being married is more important than your newborn’s life.
While I wouldn’t wish that decision on any mother, I know which one I would pick. And it wouldn’t be the husband.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 07:56
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
You can’t make parents do things. They don’t lose their rights to autonomy just because we don’t like their decisions. Uncomfortable, but true.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 07:55
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wait...
Did you say you have a newborn baby???
And you want to bring two people with high risk of exposure to live with you? No, no, no! Instead of thinking about protecting your ILs - who can easily protect themselves - you should be thinking about protecting that baby!!!! Respiratory illnesses are often deadly in babies.
How are you going to feel if you bring the grandparents over and your newborn ends up on a respirator or dead?
Protect your baby.
they could stop working and then wait at home for 2 weeks in VA before coming to NYC. but it doesn't sound like they'd be the types to actually stay in for 2 weeks.
Nope, they won't do this. I told DH to tell them that they have to stay at home for two weeks, or bare minimum, a week, before coming to visit and he said they would for maybe two days.
Anonymous
04/24/2020 07:54
Subject: ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wait...
Did you say you have a newborn baby???
And you want to bring two people with high risk of exposure to live with you? No, no, no! Instead of thinking about protecting your ILs - who can easily protect themselves - you should be thinking about protecting that baby!!!! Respiratory illnesses are often deadly in babies.
How are you going to feel if you bring the grandparents over and your newborn ends up on a respirator or dead?
Protect your baby.
they could stop working and then wait at home for 2 weeks in VA before coming to NYC. but it doesn't sound like they'd be the types to actually stay in for 2 weeks.
I’m sure it will be comforting to know that you did everything you could to protect your ILs from themselves when you’re in the NICU with your newborn praying that he survives. I’m sure when you plan his funeral, you will absolutely think it was a worthwhile sacrifice his life so irresponsible geriatrics could ring up sales at a grocery store.
Do it OP! Invite them to move in tomorrow!
