Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 17:10     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman in my 30s.

Attractive, slender, gainfully employed, have my own hobbies and interests, but repeatedly strike out when it comes to relationships. It usually either fizzles out. Sometimes I'm the one who wants something serious and the man wants something casual. Sometimes the man wants something serious and I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes things go well and then the guy gets a job on the other side of the country. Whatever the reason, I haven't found the right person.

Except I did meet someone who I started to date and it looked promising. We met in February. And uh...now you know the end of the story. Social distancing killed it. Sure, we text back and forth and have video chatted a few times, but it's really hard to grow a relationship when you can't be physically together.

Anyway, what worries me is the idea that "social distancing" could go on indefinitely. As in, for a year and a half until we develop and distribute a vaccine, and then who knows what. It would be one thing if this were sure to be over by June, or hell, even August... but to need to stay six feet away from people you don't already live with... for the foreseeable future... looks pretty grim for an unmarried woman over 30.

Will the pandemic outlast my fertility window? And no, I'm not focused on nailing down this particular person that I started dating and intent on him wifing me up. As I said, it's kind of over before it even started. I'm speaking more broadly here, do we need to take a PROLONGED time out on dating/mating/courtship, potentially taking me til age 35?


You seem mildly entitled, maybe a little self-absorbed? Just because you're pretty, skinny, with a good job and your own hobbies doesn't mean you're a good person or fun company. If those are the things you lead with when questioning why you aren't in a relationship, you might think men are more superficial than they are and it could be off-putting.

Love in the time of corona is definitely a thing. People are locking eyes over N95s and living on Facetime with those they met in a social media DM. If your guy isn't texting and calling like crazy trying to get to know you, he's just not that into you. Couples have been meeting online and waiting months/years to meet and marry, maybe try a dating app?

Don't be so doom and gloom. There's a lid for every jar!


Geez, way to judge somebody you don't even know!
I led off with that, because, as you see in the "man here" post above, looks do matter. If I didn't lead off with that, I'd inevitably have people saying, "well, are you a fat slob? Do you have no drive? If you're 300 lbs and ugly with no ambitions or interests, of course you're not going to find a man!"

I can't be the judge for myself, but I have a lot of friends who find me a good person and fun company. Including male friends who are gay, or taken (I'm friends with the couple), or too old/too young.

And yes, with the guy I met fairly recently, we message each other and call from time to time, but we don't have anything that heavily invested yet. Certainly not enough to risk other people's lives over to visit each other.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 17:08     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:There ain’t no settling down without some settling for.

If you’re slim, sane, and gainfully employed and can’t find someone-you’re being too picky.

Settle.


Lol, spoken like a true marriage partner, funny
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 17:02     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman in my 30s.

Attractive, slender, gainfully employed, have my own hobbies and interests, but repeatedly strike out when it comes to relationships. It usually either fizzles out. Sometimes I'm the one who wants something serious and the man wants something casual. Sometimes the man wants something serious and I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes things go well and then the guy gets a job on the other side of the country. Whatever the reason, I haven't found the right person.

Except I did meet someone who I started to date and it looked promising. We met in February. And uh...now you know the end of the story. Social distancing killed it. Sure, we text back and forth and have video chatted a few times, but it's really hard to grow a relationship when you can't be physically together.

Anyway, what worries me is the idea that "social distancing" could go on indefinitely. As in, for a year and a half until we develop and distribute a vaccine, and then who knows what. It would be one thing if this were sure to be over by June, or hell, even August... but to need to stay six feet away from people you don't already live with... for the foreseeable future... looks pretty grim for an unmarried woman over 30.

Will the pandemic outlast my fertility window? And no, I'm not focused on nailing down this particular person that I started dating and intent on him wifing me up. As I said, it's kind of over before it even started. I'm speaking more broadly here, do we need to take a PROLONGED time out on dating/mating/courtship, potentially taking me til age 35?


You seem mildly entitled, maybe a little self-absorbed? Just because you're pretty, skinny, with a good job and your own hobbies doesn't mean you're a good person or fun company. If those are the things you lead with when questioning why you aren't in a relationship, you might think men are more superficial than they are and it could be off-putting.

Love in the time of corona is definitely a thing. People are locking eyes over N95s and living on Facetime with those they met in a social media DM. If your guy isn't texting and calling like crazy trying to get to know you, he's just not that into you. Couples have been meeting online and waiting months/years to meet and marry, maybe try a dating app?

Don't be so doom and gloom. There's a lid for every jar!
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:58     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Man here. Guys don't have a long list of things they look for a woman. Be not fat and put out, basically.

So every recent relationship you've had has not worked out. All those different guys, and the common denominator is you. Gotta be something going on.

Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:57     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?


I'm being completely intellectually honest with myself when I say it's been bad luck or situational and that it's been a numbers game. I've had men interested in me. I've been interested in men. When it's mutual, there's some factor like transience or other external circumstances. I don't discriminate based on race, age (within reason), income, profession, height, or weight. Compatibility and mutual feelings and kindness are what matter to me. Friends just tell me it's a numbers game. I'd say 2/3 times someone I meet just isn't sure where they're at in life and whether they're in a position to pursue a LTR. Not to say I haven't made my own mistakes; it's taken me years to gauge when it's too soon to give my heart away versus when I'm not giving someone enough of a chance.

Now I feel like I have to start all over again.

If I have to wait until the vaccine is out to date people again, I will be almost 34.


What are your mistakes?


In my 20s... giving too much benefit of the doubt when guys were clearly just interested in sex, thinking that they'll change their minds and want a relationship and that I'd live happily-ever-after, because that's what everyone does, right? /s Basically wasting time hoping the wrong people would come around.

In my 30s... doing the opposite. Being almost cold at times, being too guarded, not wanting to take risks.

My main thing is that I just don't do hookups. I don't want to have sex with someone if we're only sort of dating. I know myself too well; if I have sex with someone, I get all the oxytocin and want to be with the person. I cannot detach myself from sex. It's something I've learned over the years and I can't change it (nor should I?) So I've probably sent some cold, standoffish or disinterested signals to potential partners when they seem to want to take me back to their apartment on the third date.

Well, it looks like there's no risk in that these days, at least!

Anyways, I feel like only this past year I've just come around and found a happy medium in dating. I've gotten a better feel for red flags versus good intentions and good compatibility. It's taken me til age 32 to really figure this out, and alas...


Not all guys want to immediately hook up. I actually like dating a woman who isn’t eager to jump into bed the first date.

But tryin to not be cold and too guarded. Guys like fun and playful women, but ones with shared and compatible goals. Being cold on a date is a major turn off for me. Keep it light hearted and simple.

I’m a year older than you and from what you describe, you seem like a catch. Just let your guard down a bit.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:47     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Op,

Social distancing won’t last forever.

You will find love again.

You’re a catch.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:46     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
My SIL got married to my brother at 35. Had a baby at 39 and another at 43.

Maybe your day will come. Maybe it won't - or maybe you need to open your limitations. Like, maybe you need to be open to guys without grad school degrees or who had a "starter marriage".
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:44     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
There ain’t no settling down without some settling for.

If you’re slim, sane, and gainfully employed and can’t find someone-you’re being too picky.

Settle.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:41     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
OP, luck plays a part in meeting the right person. And being in situations where the kind of man who would be interested in you would be.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:37     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
On the flip side, maybe the silver lining could be that people are going to be more cautious meeting strangers and starting relationships from now on?

Maybe as we start to relax social distancing, the people who are mature minded and serious will gravitate toward others who won't go right into grinding against each other in bars. Or just take more time to build trust before they get physical.

In many parts of the world, it's customary to wait for marriage. While I wouldn't advocate for that, maybe old-school style "leave room for Jesus to walk between you" courtship will be in fashion to limit unnecessary contact and spread of diseases.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:31     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:I met my husband when I was 35, married at 36, had two kids by age 40.


I’m not OP but in a very similar boat. Thanks for sharing- reassuring.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:28     Subject: I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
I met my husband when I was 35, married at 36, had two kids by age 40.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:23     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:I married at 36 (by choice) and had my son at 38. I think you're ok.

Here's what I don't get. You've been dating him since February. I'm assuming you self isolated around mid March. Has he been isolating at home for more that 2 weeks, with no other contact than essentials? If so, it's April 9th, that's almost 4 weeks. Tell him to put on a damn mask and gloves and come over to your place stat! No stops, no public transport. Does he have a car?

Problem solved! If you both want this, make it happen.


Don’t do that. Please.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:22     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes the guy wants something more serious and I’m just not feeling it.”

Why not? You need to be picking from the men who want to marry you.

I’m not saying settle, but you need to be reasonable with your expectations of what a good man is. And also not to expect fireworks.


You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone?
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2020 16:22     Subject: Re:I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?
I married at 36 (by choice) and had my son at 38. I think you're ok.

Here's what I don't get. You've been dating him since February. I'm assuming you self isolated around mid March. Has he been isolating at home for more that 2 weeks, with no other contact than essentials? If so, it's April 9th, that's almost 4 weeks. Tell him to put on a damn mask and gloves and come over to your place stat! No stops, no public transport. Does he have a car?

Problem solved! If you both want this, make it happen.