Anonymous
04/06/2020 20:03
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.
I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.
I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:55
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
SAHM here. Five kids. Sorry, OP. You need to find a way to deal with this. Your DH is working. Put the kids in their rooms for rest/nap time for an hour in the afternoon. While they rest, you rest. Not saying it’s easy. Pretty much everyone is struggling right now. It won’t last forever. Right now you need to suck it up and drive on.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:51
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, all. You have me tearing up over here, seriously. One of my boys has nonverbal autism (and bad asthma) & special dietary needs (can’t chew, allergies) so there is extra meal prep. He’s doing teletherapies for private therapy right now, but I am now his one on one for schoolwork... which isn’t going well. His SPED & gen ed classes are also doing zoom chats. My other elementary child also needs some help with his assignments. And my littlest just has a way of getting into all.the.things. My autistic son has been in full time school since the day he turned 3... so we’re struggling big time with the routine changes. We cannot go for walks without DH (with a runner) so it’s inside the house or the backyard. It’s just a lot. A whole lot. On top of being really worried about everything else going on. I did talk with DH after he got upset about me venting to a fellow special needs mom, and he is stressed about his job and said he’s doing his best. I take food up to him because he’s mostly on conference calls, he only leaves our room to go to the bathroom. I am hoping we get into a better groove soon.
Well, OP, we have 3 kids and both work and have no backyard and can't walk b/c we have several high risk individuals.
I would just throw the kids in the backyards and get an audiobook and relax watching them wrestle.
Maybe order some new yard toys, like minigolf or small basketball hoop.
It doesn't sound like your DH is slacking off, and what exactly is your plan if his frequent breaks cause him to lose his job? big picture.
And really, enjoy that backyard, I would give up a finger for one now.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:51
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Your husband can put himself on mute and come get his own food. It’s ridiculous that you are bringing him his meals.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:48
Subject: SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Look, I know you’re stressed... but this is coming across as SAHM doesn’t like doing the “mom” part.
Look, I know OP’s Dh is stressed about work, but it’s coming across as working dad doesn’t function as “dad.”
He can work as many hours as he wants, but if he’s in their house every day, why can’t he eat dinner with his family frequently?
Well if he works to 6:30 PM, which is a very reasonable time for a breadwinner, why don't they have dinner at 6:30 or 7:00? She's feeding the kids at the crack of 5, very few professionals could such a meal.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:47
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, all. You have me tearing up over here, seriously. One of my boys has nonverbal autism (and bad asthma) & special dietary needs (can’t chew, allergies) so there is extra meal prep. He’s doing teletherapies for private therapy right now, but I am now his one on one for schoolwork... which isn’t going well. His SPED & gen ed classes are also doing zoom chats. My other elementary child also needs some help with his assignments. And my littlest just has a way of getting into all.the.things. My autistic son has been in full time school since the day he turned 3... so we’re struggling big time with the routine changes. We cannot go for walks without DH (with a runner) so it’s inside the house or the backyard. It’s just a lot. A whole lot. On top of being really worried about everything else going on. I did talk with DH after he got upset about me venting to a fellow special needs mom, and he is stressed about his job and said he’s doing his best. I take food up to him because he’s mostly on conference calls, he only leaves our room to go to the bathroom. I am hoping we get into a better groove soon.
Of course you can. You are choosing not to. Get a backpack leash.
Ummmm... he would have it off in about 5 seconds. He’s not a toddler.
Okay. So stay home.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:44
Subject: SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:It has been somewhat of an issue for me even though my kids are grown.
My DH is in conference calls all day. Due to just some idiocyncracies of our wifi...the connectivity is the best in our formal dining room, so he is set up there. He wants absolute silence in the house from 8:30 am to 7 pm. It is hard to even run the vacuum or cook something.
He was scheduling his meetings back to back a week ago. TBH there was a lot of firestorms at work, so I understand. I had to tell him to bake 30 minutes of free time between meetings or his team will be absolutely stressed. He has calmed down a bit since that.
You will find your new normal soon.
Order a wifi extender pronto, I can't believe your husband is enforcing these rules rather than spending $60.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:42
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, all. You have me tearing up over here, seriously. One of my boys has nonverbal autism (and bad asthma) & special dietary needs (can’t chew, allergies) so there is extra meal prep. He’s doing teletherapies for private therapy right now, but I am now his one on one for schoolwork... which isn’t going well. His SPED & gen ed classes are also doing zoom chats. My other elementary child also needs some help with his assignments. And my littlest just has a way of getting into all.the.things. My autistic son has been in full time school since the day he turned 3... so we’re struggling big time with the routine changes. We cannot go for walks without DH (with a runner) so it’s inside the house or the backyard. It’s just a lot. A whole lot. On top of being really worried about everything else going on. I did talk with DH after he got upset about me venting to a fellow special needs mom, and he is stressed about his job and said he’s doing his best. I take food up to him because he’s mostly on conference calls, he only leaves our room to go to the bathroom. I am hoping we get into a better groove soon.
Of course you can. You are choosing not to. Get a backpack leash.
Ummmm... he would have it off in about 5 seconds. He’s not a toddler.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:38
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, all. You have me tearing up over here, seriously. One of my boys has nonverbal autism (and bad asthma) & special dietary needs (can’t chew, allergies) so there is extra meal prep. He’s doing teletherapies for private therapy right now, but I am now his one on one for schoolwork... which isn’t going well. His SPED & gen ed classes are also doing zoom chats. My other elementary child also needs some help with his assignments. And my littlest just has a way of getting into all.the.things. My autistic son has been in full time school since the day he turned 3... so we’re struggling big time with the routine changes. We cannot go for walks without DH (with a runner) so it’s inside the house or the backyard. It’s just a lot. A whole lot. On top of being really worried about everything else going on. I did talk with DH after he got upset about me venting to a fellow special needs mom, and he is stressed about his job and said he’s doing his best. I take food up to him because he’s mostly on conference calls, he only leaves our room to go to the bathroom. I am hoping we get into a better groove soon.
Of course you can. You are choosing not to. Get a backpack leash.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:35
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
OP here. Thanks, all. You have me tearing up over here, seriously. One of my boys has nonverbal autism (and bad asthma) & special dietary needs (can’t chew, allergies) so there is extra meal prep. He’s doing teletherapies for private therapy right now, but I am now his one on one for schoolwork... which isn’t going well. His SPED & gen ed classes are also doing zoom chats. My other elementary child also needs some help with his assignments. And my littlest just has a way of getting into all.the.things. My autistic son has been in full time school since the day he turned 3... so we’re struggling big time with the routine changes. We cannot go for walks without DH (with a runner) so it’s inside the house or the backyard. It’s just a lot. A whole lot. On top of being really worried about everything else going on. I did talk with DH after he got upset about me venting to a fellow special needs mom, and he is stressed about his job and said he’s doing his best. I take food up to him because he’s mostly on conference calls, he only leaves our room to go to the bathroom. I am hoping we get into a better groove soon.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:24
Subject: SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:Look, I know you’re stressed... but this is coming across as SAHM doesn’t like doing the “mom” part.
Look, I know OP’s Dh is stressed about work, but it’s coming across as working dad doesn’t function as “dad.”
He can work as many hours as he wants, but if he’s in their house every day, why can’t he eat dinner with his family frequently?
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:11
Subject: SAHM struggles
Op I already posted about talking to your husband and that you are not wrong to complain about the isolation, but I came back to ask to see if you have to do baths at night? If your kids aren't doing anything during the day, do you have to bathe them at night? Can you just skip a few days? Or does your child have s/n or neuro-differences that mean you have to keep the routine?
I would get your hard stuff done early in the day and then give the kids an early bath or no bath, put them in pjs before dinner and then early dinner, have them watch a movie, and then throw them in bed, so all this ends at 8 or 8:30. Hopefully then you won't be so tired in the evening.
Being 100% for three active little ones from dawn to bedtime is exhausting. I did it with two kids and I had the support of parks and playdates, and I was still exhausted by the time bed time rolled around. I made our evening routine as easy as possible because I was fried by then.
Sending you a hug.
I would get your hard stuff done early in the day and then give the kids an early bath or no bath, put them in pjs before dinner and then early dinner, have them watch a movie, and then throw them in bed, so all this ends at 8 or 8:30. Hopefully then you won't be so tired in the evening.
Being 100% for three active little ones from dawn to bedtime is exhausting. I did it with two kids and I had the support of parks and playdates, and I was still exhausted by the time bed time rolled around. I made our evening routine as easy as possible because I was fried by then.
Sending you a hug.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:05
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
Anonymous wrote:I assume at least some of kids are usually in school, thus your job is harder than usual. My question is - what did you do when they weren’t in K yet?
Not OP but when I was a SAHP, the kids went to preschool, we went to playdates, we went to the park (ours are closed now), we went to the local hands out childrens' museums, grocery store, etc, etc etc. I was not shut in my house alone for weeks on end . Today is our 3 week anniversary for sheltering in place.
This situation is absolutely nothing like being a SAHP. AT ALL. Just like all those homeschooling parents are saying "this isn't homeschooling!" Because it isn't.
OP sounds lonely and there is nothing worse than being lonely in your marriage. Talk to your husband, OP.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:05
Subject: SAHM struggles
Your husband is an ass. He can’t take any breaks? I am a SAHM of 3 and it is hard! I have it so much easier than families where both parents work, I can’t imagine having to have all 3 kids all day while alternating trying to get work done, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t still hard for me. My DH works in the office but will come out for coffee once in the morning and has lunch with us if his schedule allows. Plus he can pitch in if things get especially chaotic and I need a hard. Does your husband not eat lunch? Is he really so busy he can’t take a break at all? And he can’t at least be sympathetic when you complain about having hard days? He sounds like a jerk.
Anonymous
04/06/2020 19:04
Subject: Re:SAHM struggles
This is what I have been doing on some days. You have to lower some standards -
- Make some meals simpler. Peanut butter-banana sandwiches with milk and some fruit is good enough lunch for everyone
- Clean home at night and do laundry at night
- Fold laundry during the day.
- Cook early in the morning before office time.
You know your kids. You will be able to manage them in this situation after a few trials and errors. You just have to give yourself time.
- Make some meals simpler. Peanut butter-banana sandwiches with milk and some fruit is good enough lunch for everyone
- Clean home at night and do laundry at night
- Fold laundry during the day.
- Cook early in the morning before office time.
You know your kids. You will be able to manage them in this situation after a few trials and errors. You just have to give yourself time.