I truly believe that like 95% of men really don’t care if they ever have kids. So they have them because their wife wants them so badly and then the wife is mad when they’re ambivalent and disengaged.

I’m sorry op, this sounds really hard and no, not normal though I do hear that some parents struggle with the early years. I would try couples therapy when this ends (or lots are doing virtual sessions now) and try to get some of the anxiety alcohol etc issues addressed as well.

Divorced Dad here.

My ex-wife was a little like your husband. She thought she wanted kids until we had one. I did all the heavy lifting. She'd stay home in front of the TV while I'd take the baby out to Target or the playground or the park. Doctor and dental visits were on me. I toured the day cares and schools on my own. She couldn't tell you what size clothes or shoes to buy if her life depended on it. It wasn't postpartum. She was just living a life she didn't want, and one day she decided to move on from it. She's happier now, and honestly so are we.

Anonymous wrote:Dad here, not at all. In fact, I like having alone time with both kids, i.e. without my wife. Which isn't to say its all fun and games, it's not with two boys who fight like crazy.

You got a raw deal. Perhaps in my next life, you jackass DH can marry my zero libido wife and they can brood at each other all day

Hmmm....you sound like the brooding type.

Dad here, not at all. In fact, I like having alone time with both kids, i.e. without my wife. Which isn't to say its all fun and games, it's not with two boys who fight like crazy.

You got a raw deal. Perhaps in my next life, you jackass DH can marry my zero libido wife and they can brood at each other all day

Is he in therapy or treatment for his ADHD? I would insist by giving him a deadline (3-4 months?) I don' think he will change so tell him he should prepare himself for SHARED custody.

No my DH loves and enjoys our children and WANTS to care for and spend time with them.

Sorry he sucks.

Anonymous wrote:I was in a slightly less severe situation but I told him it needed to stop or I would leave and take our child. I started running errands in the evening several times per week. Eventually he started to enjoy it and now it's not an issue at all. BUT if alcohol is a problem and he has that alcoholic agitation/anxiety that comes when something is impeding their access to drinking rituals this is a different thing that is more risky. That wasn't the case for us.

This is what I think the problem is, but he does not admit it. Although, I was at the store from 4:30-6:30 yesterday and he was on his 5th beer when I got home, so not sure it’s really impeding his drinking...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a man/baby who can't handle being a parent. Sorry. We are all under stress. He needs to step up. Your answer is his response.. " you're the mom / you're the one who wanted kids.."

The way I would handle it is to tell him ..."You need to step up and be a damn parent and grownup and do things when they need doing, and stop acting like our kids who whine and complain when told to do something. We are all stuck in here amidst a crisis. Grow the f* up".

I would say it just like that.

-signed a mom who is working FT from home right now with two kids

That is what I want to say, but I don't think it will get me anywere!
I am working from home with both kids now as well. He is still going to work. Last week we were outside in the evening. I headed inside to work and he said "uh where are you going?"..."Inside to do some work, I haven't been able to get anything done."....and he was STILL annoyed. I had expressed to him how hard it was to work with the kids home and how anxious I was about it a few hours earlier! He acts like he understands but then has an attitude when he actually has to do it

Maybe, but it would sure make me feel better.

As a PP stated, all kids are trying, especially when you are working FT, too. I have lost my cool several times already with the kids. I am not a patient person, and neither is DH. BUT, if DH pulled this kind of sh1t on me, I'd grab him by the nuts and squeeze really hard until he understood my pain.

You seem to already know he's got lots of issues. If it were me, I would not one more thing or living being to manage or handle. I don't even want a pet to deal with even though my kids keep begging for one. I have no advice for you on how to change him. I don't know that you can. So, I would just let him have an earful, and then work around him. If he gives you grief for leaving him alone with the kids, just shrug it off.

I know that leaving is not easy, especially now. But I would seriously give thought to your future after covid isolation is over. What do you want for yourself and your kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really - all dads?

Sorry, your anti-man attitude is such a turn off and it makes me realize there is likely another side to the story. Misandry is no better than misogyny

I think my frustration with the situation is coming out more than I intended as I type. I must admit this is therapeutic.
I am aware that not ALL dads are like this.
I was trying to discern if this tension still exists in families when you take away the ADHD, the anxiety, alcohol abuse.

I find it hard to beleive you have never encountered any decent men in your life.

It is like a man posting asking 'Are all women b*tches when they have their periods?' It is just a really sexist view to have. Men are not inherently bad people and given you have kids, that really isn't a message you should be giving them.

Of course I have encountered many great men. But I also know that people don’t routinely talk about arguments/ annoyances with their spouses. I’m trying to get some perspective for my own situation.

No, even my ADHD, non-empathetic, loser of a husband can take care of his kids. On the other hand he’s underemployed and hadn’t earned any income in the past 12 months...

I’m very sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really - all dads?

Sorry, your anti-man attitude is such a turn off and it makes me realize there is likely another side to the story. Misandry is no better than misogyny

I think my frustration with the situation is coming out more than I intended as I type. I must admit this is therapeutic.
I am aware that not ALL dads are like this.
I was trying to discern if this tension still exists in families when you take away the ADHD, the anxiety, alcohol abuse.

I find it hard to beleive you have never encountered any decent men in your life.

It is like a man posting asking 'Are all women b*tches when they have their periods?' It is just a really sexist view to have. Men are not inherently bad people and given you have kids, that really isn't a message you should be giving them.

Anonymous wrote:Really - all dads?

Sorry, your anti-man attitude is such a turn off and it makes me realize there is likely another side to the story. Misandry is no better than misogyny

I think my frustration with the situation is coming out more than I intended as I type. I must admit this is therapeutic.
I am aware that not ALL dads are like this.
I was trying to discern if this tension still exists in families when you take away the ADHD, the anxiety, alcohol abuse.

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a man/baby who can't handle being a parent. Sorry. We are all under stress. He needs to step up. Your answer is his response.. " you're the mom / you're the one who wanted kids.."

The way I would handle it is to tell him ..."You need to step up and be a damn parent and grownup and do things when they need doing, and stop acting like our kids who whine and complain when told to do something. We are all stuck in here amidst a crisis. Grow the f* up".

I would say it just like that.

-signed a mom who is working FT from home right now with two kids

That is what I want to say, but I don't think it will get me anywere!
I am working from home with both kids now as well. He is still going to work. Last week we were outside in the evening. I headed inside to work and he said "uh where are you going?"..."Inside to do some work, I haven't been able to get anything done."....and he was STILL annoyed. I had expressed to him how hard it was to work with the kids home and how anxious I was about it a few hours earlier! He acts like he understands but then has an attitude when he actually has to do it

It’s not normal and the reason I am divorcing my kids’ dad. It doesn’t get better, and it’s a very unattractive trait.