OP, if your wife doesn't have time for an affair, how is you think she she has time to have sex with you?

Not being flippant. This is your problem.

This is my marriage too. DH shares in some childcare duties but leaves all household tasks and all the family mental load to me. (We've tried chore charts. He made it one day.) I am a SAHM with two kids under five who don't sleep well and haven't since birth. Even if I weren't exhausted all the time, they can't seem to let me take a shower in peace. I am clean enough to feel sexy only on Saturdays, when I'm also up from 4:30am to 12pm doing chores that I can't do during the week because the kids need too much attention. (I have two high energy boys. Sitting them at a table to color is not going to happen.) I do all the school work - am now learning to home school preschoolers - and all the bills, shopping, laundry, home and car repair - literally, anything that is not my DH's paid employment (which I also help with, to be honest) and bathtime, which DH does do, anything other than that is at my feet.

And on top of all that, my DH is nasty and mean to me on a regular basis. He routinely refuses to speak to me when I ask him questions and uses a very condescending tone. (Friends who have heard it happen have pulled me aside to express concern. It's that bad.)

Honestly, I miss sex so much. But, what the f*ck?!

And before the DCUM harpies pile on, believe me, changes will come when my children are old enough to advocate for their health needs. DH does not believe in doctors so I am the one who has to take them to the ER or the pediatrician when they are sick. One of our kids has a chronic health condition that he is not old enough yet to manage on his own. As soon as they are old enough to recognize they need care and call me to come get them - even if they're in his custody - I'm leaving.

OP - maybe you are some great guy who does everything at home. (They do exist.) But, whatever is keeping your wife so busy is absolutely contributing to your problem.

Anonymous wrote:This is how a lot of post-menopausal women feel. I love my husband, and sex is no longer a need or a want for me, no matter how much I enjoyed and was enthusiastic about it for most of our marriage (30+ years). It means a lot to him, so we have sex...but this idea he can’t really enjoy it unless I really want it too confounds me. My body and libido are what they are.

+1 I'm in the exact same boat as you. We have sex every 7-10 days and I do my very best to make sure he enjoys it. He does many things to make my life special and this is something I do for him. And, watching him really enjoy it is good for me as I'm no longer the young thing I use to be but I can still get him very worked up.

Divorced dad here. Our marriage didn't survive this, not because we divorced over this single issue, but because we drifted apart.

I think we were equally to blame, but I know share a lot of the blame and have had extensive therapy to learn and grow.

Of course I then had tons of sex when I was newly single and I was feeling great. But now that I'm older that is not as important to me and I think if we'd stuck it out we'd be happy as an older couple.

This is how a lot of post-menopausal women feel. I love my husband, and sex is no longer a need or a want for me, no matter how much I enjoyed and was enthusiastic about it for most of our marriage (30+ years). It means a lot to him, so we have sex...but this idea he can’t really enjoy it unless I really want it too confounds me. My body and libido are what they are.

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

No, I need to feel desired, and enjoy the release that sex provides. Marriage is hard, sex makes it better.

- wife in her 40s.

OP here. In response to questions, I’m 47, she’s 48.

^^ *jail sentence

Anonymous wrote:This is my marriage. I don't love my husband and sometimes I don't respect him. Rather than cheat, I just don't have that part of me anymore. I don't know why he stays. I am ready to move on, but haven't had the will to discuss it. Actually, he kind of scares me as to how nasty he can be. I would prefer an amicable divorce, just not sure if that could even happen.

Same. I’ve been taken advantage of (financially, childcare) yelled at in front of my children for years (finally slowed down to a couple times a month), stonewalled, neglected, and I just don’t believe I could should have sex with my husband. I HAVE taken steps and suggested why legal separation or divorce is obviously the right choice. He is holding his dysfunction and anger over me essentially, doesn’t want to let go peacefully and with respect and positive co-parenting. He has threatened that things will be worse with divorce (as it relates to the children). He’s just sticking his head in the sand and not addressing next steps at all. We’re living like coparents and nothing but. I have set up personal space and love my life as fully as I can while serving out this Jim sentence until I don’t know when. I just this morning was torn up crying over the decision to serve him with a divorce or try to lead a quiet meager existence in which I can be with and influence and help my children daily. I’m pretty sad (starting antidepressants this week) and also very strong and positive for the children, though the cracks may be starting to affect me.

Sexless is the ONLY way this marriage is continuing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

And while you were dating, probably had it all the time. Isn't that right?

No not really.

I stayed - almost 14 years now. I don’t know that it was the right decision for me, but I think it was for our child. I’m not trying to be a martyr, but he has a lot more opportunities and our home is still a happy one, so he’s not surrounded by anger and fighting by his parents.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are you and DW? Just curious.

+1, this is a whole different topic post-menopause.

No, I don't think I could live in a roommate-type relationship like what you describe. I could deal with infrequent sex but not a complete rejection of my touch. I would feel completely rejected and unwanted. I'm a DW by the way.

Anonymous wrote:This is my marriage. I don't love my husband and sometimes I don't respect him. Rather than cheat, I just don't have that part of me anymore. I don't know why he stays. I am ready to move on, but haven't had the will to discuss it. Actually, he kind of scares me as to how nasty he can be. I would prefer an amicable divorce, just not sure if that could even happen.

You do realize that you are dying inside?

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

And while you were dating, probably had it all the time. Isn't that right?