Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Wow, this is disturbing. I stay fit and healthy, but I do it for myself and not because my husband deserves it. I take care of myself because I deserve it.

I do it for myself, but also definitely to be appealing to my husband. It is something nice I can do for him. People like to be married to sexually appealing spouses. I don't feel odd about this at all.

+1 What an odd thing to get upset about. I love my DH and I guarantee he wouldn’t leave me if I got heavier or had a scar. But it’s nice to be with someone who looks pretty/handsome. I‘d even go further and say that I stay trim for my children. They benefit from having an attractive parent. There‘s nothing immoral about making yourself better (in any way, looks, intellect, kindness, generosity) for your family.

PP I agree 100% ! I was in great shape when I met my DH and in even better shape now! Of course he was very attracted to me because of it. He wouldn’t care if I gained a few lbs but I do it for myself mostly. I also believe it’s not fair to your spouse to gain lots of weight after you get married. To me it’s disrespectful. I always think of myself as a silver pan. I kept myself polished and shiny and as soon as someone buys me I stop polishing myself and end up looking like a cast iron skillet. But anyhoo, do it for yourself and mostly your health! Good luck dear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Wow, this is disturbing. I stay fit and healthy, but I do it for myself and not because my husband deserves it. I take care of myself because I deserve it.

I do it for myself, but also definitely to be appealing to my husband. It is something nice I can do for him. People like to be married to sexually appealing spouses. I don't feel odd about this at all.

+1 What an odd thing to get upset about. I love my DH and I guarantee he wouldn’t leave me if I got heavier or had a scar. But it’s nice to be with someone who looks pretty/handsome. I‘d even go further and say that I stay trim for my children. They benefit from having an attractive parent. There‘s nothing immoral about making yourself better (in any way, looks, intellect, kindness, generosity) for your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Wow, this is disturbing. I stay fit and healthy, but I do it for myself and not because my husband deserves it. I take care of myself because I deserve it.

I do it for myself, but also definitely to be appealing to my husband. It is something nice I can do for him. People like to be married to sexually appealing spouses. I don't feel odd about this at all.

No, it doesn't sound like you're doing it for yourself. If you think your husband "deserves" a hot wife, then I believe that your husband's gaze is the motivating factor for you. You're not really working out for intrinsic reasons like being healthy or feeling good. What happens if (god forbid) you gain a few pounds with menopause? Or sag? If he deserves a hot wife as you say, then he will just trade you in, and feel justified in doing so.

High status men want attractive wives. If their current wife can’t deliver, it isn’t hard to find another. It isn’t fair but it is true. While you’re busy tilting at windmills, I’ll enjoy my SAHM lifestyle. You do you.

I'm the pp that said I think my husband deserves a hot wife. Leave the SAHM stuff out of it. My husband makes $$$$$ but I still work because I choose to, independent of what he does. I'm glad you found the lifestyle you want but no need to slam women who work because they choose to or need to.

Dear OP,

Hugs.

You asked for a mantra. Perhaps you are on track to try to meditate. That can help so much in how you change the narrative in your head. The first step to changing the narrative is knowing that the negative things you think about are judgments and not truths. A good exercise is to counter every negative thought with a positive one. When you think "I feel incorrectly responsible for looking right," counter it with "I am worthy of self love." When you think "family portraits are proof of winning at life," counter it with "the next time I take a family portrait, it will be at the top of a mountain that my family hiked together, and those smiles reflect accomplishments of health and connection." When you say "I feel responsible for my husband," talk to him about your negative thinking and have him support (not in a nagging or solution-focused way) by supplying his own positive thoughts about you (he has them). For every part of your body that you judge, emphasize a part of your body you love. If you can't find a part of your body that you love, go deeper into the way your body works. You have breath. You have intelligence. You are capable of compassion. You are capable of health. You take joy in (whatever you love to do). You are worthy of love for who you are. These are all mantras.

If it helps, write your negative thoughts in a journal. When you do, write down two ways to combat those thoughts. Start looking into meditation focused on lovingkindness. We can get caught up in our negative talk loop so much that we forget about how wonderful we are, how we are capable of everything we fear we can't do, and how just shifting the mindset helps so much.

I wish you all of the care and self compassion you can achieve.

Anonymous wrote:So if you got cancer or were disfigured in an accident, would he deserve to leave you?

My arm candy friend had a tumor in her stomach and she told the surgeon she would rather die than have a scar on her stomach because her H would leave her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t *want* to have these thoughts. I’d like to get over them.

What’s a truth or a mantra I can use to fight these ideas when they come up?

We haven’t had a great family portrait for years. Well, at Christmas our family won a raffle(!!) for a professional photographer to do a family session.... I can use it anytime this year. And so far I have felt like I am wider than I am tall....

Heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m short and I’ve ballooned. It’s hard to accept that.

If you can't accept that, then do something about it. Those are your ONLY options. Write it on your mirror in your bathroom. Make baby changes weekly or monthly: eat an extra serving of vegetables a day, brush your teeth after dinner and don't eat again, eat an apple for a snack, walk half a mile a day. It all adds up.

Agree. But don’t be invisible. Your family loves you and you should be a presence in their lives - and by that I mean their photos. Don’t be a missing period because of your insecurity

Anonymous wrote:+1M, OP what are you doing at 430/5am? Go to the gym, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT or JUST LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

If you were my wife, I would have said you need to take care of that, yesterday. no excuses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t *want* to have these thoughts. I’d like to get over them.

What’s a truth or a mantra I can use to fight these ideas when they come up?

We haven’t had a great family portrait for years. Well, at Christmas our family won a raffle(!!) for a professional photographer to do a family session.... I can use it anytime this year. And so far I have felt like I am wider than I am tall....

Heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m short and I’ve ballooned. It’s hard to accept that.

If you can't accept that, then do something about it. Those are your ONLY options. Write it on your mirror in your bathroom. Make baby changes weekly or monthly: eat an extra serving of vegetables a day, brush your teeth after dinner and don't eat again, eat an apple for a snack, walk half a mile a day. It all adds up.

Yep. Don’t be lazy. Forget body imagine, it is for your health. It isn’t healthy for you to be overweight. Hit the gym at 5 am, no excuses.

New poster, ido think it matters to try to look good for your spouse. We have a very intellectual connection, laugh together etc.. but still, I want him to find me attractive. And I ask the same from him, if he gains more than 5-10 pounds I will tell him to slow down

So if you got cancer or were disfigured in an accident, would he deserve to leave you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Wow, this is disturbing. I stay fit and healthy, but I do it for myself and not because my husband deserves it. I take care of myself because I deserve it.

I do it for myself, but also definitely to be appealing to my husband. It is something nice I can do for him. People like to be married to sexually appealing spouses. I don't feel odd about this at all.

No, it doesn't sound like you're doing it for yourself. If you think your husband "deserves" a hot wife, then I believe that your husband's gaze is the motivating factor for you. You're not really working out for intrinsic reasons like being healthy or feeling good. What happens if (god forbid) you gain a few pounds with menopause? Or sag? If he deserves a hot wife as you say, then he will just trade you in, and feel justified in doing so.

High status men want attractive wives. If their current wife can’t deliver, it isn’t hard to find another. It isn’t fair but it is true. While you’re busy tilting at windmills, I’ll enjoy my SAHM lifestyle. You do you.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Disordered thinking!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Wow, this is disturbing. I stay fit and healthy, but I do it for myself and not because my husband deserves it. I take care of myself because I deserve it.

I do it for myself, but also definitely to be appealing to my husband. It is something nice I can do for him. People like to be married to sexually appealing spouses. I don't feel odd about this at all.

No, it doesn't sound like you're doing it for yourself. If you think your husband "deserves" a hot wife, then I believe that your husband's gaze is the motivating factor for you. You're not really working out for intrinsic reasons like being healthy or feeling good. What happens if (god forbid) you gain a few pounds with menopause? Or sag? If he deserves a hot wife as you say, then he will just trade you in, and feel justified in doing so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the OP but don't see it as a problem. My husband deserves to have a hot wife.

Wow, this is disturbing. I stay fit and healthy, but I do it for myself and not because my husband deserves it. I take care of myself because I deserve it.

I do it for myself, but also definitely to be appealing to my husband. It is something nice I can do for him. People like to be married to sexually appealing spouses. I don't feel odd about this at all.