I have a DE daughter now 4. We've been pretty open along the whole journey so. We did pick a donor who had similar characteristics to myself in terms of eyes, hair, height, etc etc. And lo and behold she looks ridiculously like me -- even my mother is amazed by our similar looks! So, along the way as people comment on how much she looks like me (people close to us as well as those we meet on the street) I have found that a genuine way to respond is to give a big smile and say "I know, isn't it crazy." Those I'm encountering casually don't fully appreciate the layered meaning to my refrain, and with the others I just enjoy an extra moment with to remember how blessed we truly are to have DD in our life!
Congrats OP on your pregnancy. It's wonderful news. Enjoy it all!

This is OP. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate the tenor replies: that there is a difference between privacy and secrets and that this is the baby's story to tell. I knew instinctively that no need to put it in an email to friends who live far away or make some speech at my shower. I am happy to talk about the topic if people I care about and who care about me are curious. And obviously I am v pleased to have benefitted from these medical interventions.

I dont how the baby will look; there are elements of the donor that match us and those that dont and we get what we get. But then I think of my genetic niece who has the very same aquiline nose of her great grandfather but that does not show up in the 2 intervening generations (her mother and grandfather).

And OP congratulations!

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's anyone's business You are having a baby. Period. Congratulations.

+1000

PP from above again yes we did DNA testing. Still no big deal.

I have twin DE babies now adults. I think the trend to tell all is just that a trend. After all the pain we went through with infertility it started to seem like my life story. I wanted it to stop.
When I was 25 my mother told me a deep secret about her past that was about me. Her mother had her “illegitimately” The very word sounds passé now. She suffered a lot from it. But I didn’t. I was surrounded by family and cousins and it seemed more about her than me.

Many many years have passed. Although I remember that moment, it hasn’t affected my life.

However I knew that if I were to begin to tell one, then 3, then 5, then the neighbors (preschoolers don’t keep secrets and I didn’t want to put that in them) then anyone who asked I would feel uncomfortable and what benefit would it give my twins my family or myself?
Everyone is different. I felt I lost too much of my privacy doing infertility and also adoption application.

The twins are fine. Other things happened that make those infertility days seem long long ago. As I said they are adults now. They know. It’s a big deal and it isn’t at the same time.

OP do what feels right to you but don’t forget your family has a right to privacy. Your family is not going to suffer. I personally feel that it’s a marketing ploy by the psychologist/ RE.

My sister's kids were DE and its no secret to the kids but truly-not any one else's business-just a fact. And the youngest looks like my sister's clone and her mannerisms seem like they've been choreographed to match MY mom's/her grandmother. (Great bonus of DE where you get to see the donor's childhood & adult photos-as she looked like family!)

Like other said-this is the child's story to tell

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's anyone's business You are having a baby. Period. Congratulations.

This is true. But I also think I'd want to get ahead of all those "wow s/he looks so much like you, or your grandpa joe" type comments. I'd want to ground work to be laid already to say "well, that's not possible" smile and move along.

I don't think you need to announce it to everyone, but I'd certainly let people who you see regularly know. To avoid needing to correct people in real time, or needing to "come out" with it each time a comment comes up.

I do think you'll find many people don't realize a donor egg means you are not genetically related.

Most people choose donors that have similar characteristics to themselves. The fact that someone says you look like your DE kid isn't a problem in need of correction. I say thanks when it happens.

It's no one's business, so there is no need to "come out" other than to a doctor.

While ignorance isn't in short supply, I think most people have a very basic understanding of genetics and the role of the egg.

No one knows except for very close family and friends. We didn’t feel any need to share beyond that.

Anonymous wrote:You just announce your pregnancy, OP. You are overthinking this. How you got here is irrelevant right now. You are pregnant! With a baby! Yey! That’s all that matters right now. When you start telling the baby her origin story, you will tell her about her donor. If you want to tell anyone else, you can (although reproductive psychologists recommend that you let it be the child’s information to share at this point). But the make up of your child’s genes is definitely not part of what you announce.

It feels relevant right now because you are still in the think of infertility stuff. In two years, it will feel so irrelevant.

This. You're having a baby. Congratulations!

Agree with PPs. Open is fine, but then there's TMI. If you already told your close friends and family because you want then to know, great! This announcement is you introducing your baby to people. It's totally irrelevant to the majority of people you'll come into contact with. No one introduces their child to other by saying "hi, meet my donor egg baby"; or "hi, this is my adopted baby"; or "hi, this is my naturally conceived baby".

I'm open about my OE and DE kids, but reasonably so. My close friends and family know. OE kid has read the books and when DE kid understands words (still a non-verbal infant), we'll read them to her, too. I also shared with others I know who also did IVF in my efforts to be supportive to them.