Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you me? We sound like the same person, tbh. I've felt this way for most of my life, though - always thinking/feeling like I've come up short, even though I know that objectively, that is not the case. I have a lovely husband, beautiful son and a house that's a ten minute walk from the beach. I have a great relationship with my parents and brother, and a handful of close friends I can count on no matter what. My job is terrible right now, but I'm actively looking and hopeful I will find something else in the near term. To all the PPs who mentioned CBT, I've been in it (with several different therapists) for almost 5 years and tbh, haven't really seen much improvement. I've concluded that is just kind of how i'm wired (my mom and grandma are both depressives and often negative) and I just do the best I can to moderate it so it doesn't affect my son too much. I also have started writing in a gratitude journal, which is totally unnatural for me (and hard to do), in an effort to remember the good things in my life. Hang in there, I wish I lived near you b/c it would be nice to have a friend who understands this problem.

Dp here. I have a very negative critical mother. She is always unhappy. I hope not to become her.

I'm the poster who made the quoted statement. My mom is negative and critical, but she is also literally the best human being I know (unlike my dad, who is pretty relentlessly positive but also quite thoughtless and selfish). Maybe it's because I inherited that tendency myself, but I don't consider that quality a failing in her as a mother. No parent is perfect, that much I know, and I'll continue to work on myself the best I can, including improving this flaw. That's all I can really do.

Anonymous wrote:Are you me? We sound like the same person, tbh. I've felt this way for most of my life, though - always thinking/feeling like I've come up short, even though I know that objectively, that is not the case. I have a lovely husband, beautiful son and a house that's a ten minute walk from the beach. I have a great relationship with my parents and brother, and a handful of close friends I can count on no matter what. My job is terrible right now, but I'm actively looking and hopeful I will find something else in the near term. To all the PPs who mentioned CBT, I've been in it (with several different therapists) for almost 5 years and tbh, haven't really seen much improvement. I've concluded that is just kind of how i'm wired (my mom and grandma are both depressives and often negative) and I just do the best I can to moderate it so it doesn't affect my son too much. I also have started writing in a gratitude journal, which is totally unnatural for me (and hard to do), in an effort to remember the good things in my life. Hang in there, I wish I lived near you b/c it would be nice to have a friend who understands this problem.

Dp here. I have a very negative critical mother. She is always unhappy. I hope not to become her.

Are you me? We sound like the same person, tbh. I've felt this way for most of my life, though - always thinking/feeling like I've come up short, even though I know that objectively, that is not the case. I have a lovely husband, beautiful son and a house that's a ten minute walk from the beach. I have a great relationship with my parents and brother, and a handful of close friends I can count on no matter what. My job is terrible right now, but I'm actively looking and hopeful I will find something else in the near term. To all the PPs who mentioned CBT, I've been in it (with several different therapists) for almost 5 years and tbh, haven't really seen much improvement. I've concluded that is just kind of how i'm wired (my mom and grandma are both depressives and often negative) and I just do the best I can to moderate it so it doesn't affect my son too much. I also have started writing in a gratitude journal, which is totally unnatural for me (and hard to do), in an effort to remember the good things in my life. Hang in there, I wish I lived near you b/c it would be nice to have a friend who understands this problem.

I’m always dissatisfied too. I know I have it pretty darn good, probably better than most people out there. I can’t help but notice and focus on the negatives.

DH is successful and works a lot. I feel like I’m always trying to get him to spend more time with me and the kids.
I used to work 70 hours and missed my baby so I got a 40 hour a week job. Then I had another baby and dropped down to 20-30 hours. I hated my half ass unchallenging PT job so I decided to stay home. Now I stay home and miss working. I just can’t win.

We bought a beautiful house in a good school district. I wish we moved to a smaller house that is more walkable.

I also have high standards for my kids and this is where I find the most distress in my life. I gave up my career to stay home. I want to be the best mom. I wake up everyday trying to be this awesome mom to my kids. Usually it starts off with kids fighting or my toddler whining.

It sounds like anxiety manifested through perfectionism. CBT would be good to do - changes those thoughts of “should have” to “it’s okay.” For starters, while looking for a psychologist, you could start keeping a gratitude journal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people enjoy negativity. You sound like one of them and probably have a never enough or good enough mind set. Which you wrote. I would see a therapist and inquire about depression. People like you are difficult to be around and your daughter will feel like she is never good enough and develop low self-esteem. Ask me how I know.

This.
Some people are wired this way and it's not something you can "therapy" out.
You can consciously try very hard to overcome it but it will sneak back in every now and again.

Yep. My mom told me that it is not her job to praise her children, but to correct the negatives and point out all that is wrong. She even added, "why talk about things that are good?" What an awesome way to grow up! Sister and I were A+ students, finished college and were always presented with "What are you wearing?" "Do you want to end up working the streets with these grades?" "You would look so much better with red curly hair." "Why didn't you become Madeline Albright?" "Is this what you call housekeeping?" etc...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get it sorted out, OP, because this poisons relationships. My best friend is like this and it's exhausting to convince her that her life is not going to get better unless she changes her outlook. She thinks it's always someone else that's to blame or something that didn't go her way.

This is OP. But you understand that the difference between your friend and me is that I don’t need convincing, right? I’m self-aware. I don’t think someone is to blame. I think I have an internal FEELING of dissatisfaction that I can’t shake. It’s a terrible feeling to just never feel like things are good enough, even if I don’t act on it.

"Things are never good enough" might actually be, on a deeper level, "I am never good enough." Maybe if you feel OK with yourself, you can build on that and let the rest go. Things won't ever be perfect, and adult life is crammed full of stressors and disappointments and compromises. But I think you can try to push those to the edges and make a garden of what you love and enjoy in the middle. It starts with loving and enjoying yourself, and giving yourself permission to love and enjoy your life.

Could be with the infertility and other issues, you're used to flogging yourself to get through things. Those habits may have been helpful then, and now you're trying to get to an easier and gentler place. Good luck!!

This is OP. I cried reading this, which probably means this is it. I don’t feel good enough. Parenting brings out every insecurity I have, and heightens every anxiety. What if I fail her? I’m not good enough to deserve this perfect child. Maybe more mediation classes would help me feel “enough.” Thanks for this.

PP here. I understand, truly...and those who have not been through infertility don’t realize how much it makes you feel deficient. Always doubting yourself, having to be so disciplined and detail-oriented and driven to achieve something that most people achieve through an act of pleasure and self-abandonment.

I don’t think there is any way to easily overcome the sense of insecurity at your core. For most people it involves digging deep and going back into childhood to find out when you decided something was wrong with you. But I totally agree meditation can help, and yoga, and practices that help you feel that it’s ok to just be here without having to “do more” and “be better.”

As for parenting, just think how amazing it will be for your child that you have walked this path and gained so much wisdom. You will be able to give her a gift you never had — the gift of knowing that she is enough. Ultimately she can’t rely on you for her sense of self, but with your support she can discover an authentic way to be in the world. You are modeling that journey and that is a great thing to do as a parent! Everyone has to start somewhere. Wishing you all the best.

Spend some time on the Family board and you will see how this mindset negatively impacts relationships across the board - in laws, grandparents, siblings. Please go to a therapist and find ways to deal with your negativity, which is probably an innate aspect of your personality but not one that can't be addressed.

Anonymous wrote:Some people enjoy negativity. You sound like one of them and probably have a never enough or good enough mind set. Which you wrote. I would see a therapist and inquire about depression. People like you are difficult to be around and your daughter will feel like she is never good enough and develop low self-esteem. Ask me how I know.

This.
Some people are wired this way and it's not something you can "therapy" out.
You can consciously try very hard to overcome it but it will sneak back in every now and again.

You sound just like my husband. He’s finally in treatment for anxiety and depression (and OCD). I swear his total dissatisfaction has also manifested as psychosomatic injuries and ailments. I think it’s only when he finally ran out of physical things to complain about (and spent all our money on exploratory surgeries, experimental treatments, physical therapy, tooth extractions and implants etc.) that he’s finally (spending all our money again) on treatment for mental health issues. At least I think he’s finally treating the root cause now. But he basically lives in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and only starts to appreciate things (apartments, jobs, houses, phases our kids are in etc) as they come to an end. And even though he always comes around to admitting that I was right and our DC apartment—for example—was not only not so bad but was actually kinda awesome he still can’t stop being dissatisfied with everything about the house we bought.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get it sorted out, OP, because this poisons relationships. My best friend is like this and it's exhausting to convince her that her life is not going to get better unless she changes her outlook. She thinks it's always someone else that's to blame or something that didn't go her way.

This is OP. But you understand that the difference between your friend and me is that I don’t need convincing, right? I’m self-aware. I don’t think someone is to blame. I think I have an internal FEELING of dissatisfaction that I can’t shake. It’s a terrible feeling to just never feel like things are good enough, even if I don’t act on it.

"Things are never good enough" might actually be, on a deeper level, "I am never good enough." Maybe if you feel OK with yourself, you can build on that and let the rest go. Things won't ever be perfect, and adult life is crammed full of stressors and disappointments and compromises. But I think you can try to push those to the edges and make a garden of what you love and enjoy in the middle. It starts with loving and enjoying yourself, and giving yourself permission to love and enjoy your life.

Could be with the infertility and other issues, you're used to flogging yourself to get through things. Those habits may have been helpful then, and now you're trying to get to an easier and gentler place. Good luck!!

This is OP. I cried reading this, which probably means this is it. I don’t feel good enough. Parenting brings out every insecurity I have, and heightens every anxiety. What if I fail her? I’m not good enough to deserve this perfect child. Maybe more mediation classes would help me feel “enough.” Thanks for this.

This is OP. Thanks, PP. I definitely do have anxiety. And I’m being treated for it. I’m just not sure whether this is part of the anxiety? Or if it’s something different? And if it is part of the anxiety, maybe that’s a bummer, because I’ve already tried so many things to treat the anxiety! But I haven’t tried CBT, so I will try that too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get it sorted out, OP, because this poisons relationships. My best friend is like this and it's exhausting to convince her that her life is not going to get better unless she changes her outlook. She thinks it's always someone else that's to blame or something that didn't go her way.

This is OP. But you understand that the difference between your friend and me is that I don’t need convincing, right? I’m self-aware. I don’t think someone is to blame. I think I have an internal FEELING of dissatisfaction that I can’t shake. It’s a terrible feeling to just never feel like things are good enough, even if I don’t act on it.

"Things are never good enough" might actually be, on a deeper level, "I am never good enough." Maybe if you feel OK with yourself, you can build on that and let the rest go. Things won't ever be perfect, and adult life is crammed full of stressors and disappointments and compromises. But I think you can try to push those to the edges and make a garden of what you love and enjoy in the middle. It starts with loving and enjoying yourself, and giving yourself permission to love and enjoy your life.

Could be with the infertility and other issues, you're used to flogging yourself to get through things. Those habits may have been helpful then, and now you're trying to get to an easier and gentler place. Good luck!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get it sorted out, OP, because this poisons relationships. My best friend is like this and it's exhausting to convince her that her life is not going to get better unless she changes her outlook. She thinks it's always someone else that's to blame or something that didn't go her way.

This is OP. But you understand that the difference between your friend and me is that I don’t need convincing, right? I’m self-aware. I don’t think someone is to blame. I think I have an internal FEELING of dissatisfaction that I can’t shake. It’s a terrible feeling to just never feel like things are good enough, even if I don’t act on it.

Yes, sorry, I didn't mean to say you were at that level. I think it's a slippery slope, though. There are days my friend is 100% aware that she's the one who can't be happy, because she's said so. She's been in treatment for depression for many years. Then there are days when she can't cope and she believes the world is out to get her.

I think you need to talk to your doctor and rule out depression or anxiety, to be honest.

Anonymous wrote:Please get it sorted out, OP, because this poisons relationships. My best friend is like this and it's exhausting to convince her that her life is not going to get better unless she changes her outlook. She thinks it's always someone else that's to blame or something that didn't go her way.

This is OP. But you understand that the difference between your friend and me is that I don’t need convincing, right? I’m self-aware. I don’t think someone is to blame. I think I have an internal FEELING of dissatisfaction that I can’t shake. It’s a terrible feeling to just never feel like things are good enough, even if I don’t act on it.