Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Op you sound very stubborn. You spouse sounds like he/she doesn’t think it was wrong, and the more you dig in the more justified they might feel. Why even bother with counseling? Your spouse clearly has no interest.

What you are going through is extremely difficult, OP. I know I felt like I wanted the entire world to punish my ex for having an affair because it was so terrible to feel the way I felt, I was desperate to feel "better." But the truth is, even if your therapist scolded your DH, you won't feel better. You just think you will. And yes, it is not the therapists job to determine right and wrong because that's something you and your partner are supposed to do together with their help.

It sounds like this happened to you recently, so I hope you do continue to seek counseling, either as a couple or alone, because you need an outlet right now. I wish you luck.

Just get divorced already. You won't get anything out of therapy, because you just want to be right.

You are not nuts, OP.

Some things are black and white. Cheating is wrong. Period.

It is fully understandable to want to hear your partner say he/she was wrong. Totally. Your counselor may not say it was wrong, outright, but he/she should at least address its wrongness in general terms.

Stand your ground. You were disrespected. If your partner doesn't condemn their own behavior, you have options (including axing the counselor). Stand your ground.

Anonymous wrote:The bigger problem is your partner. If he does not feel that cheating is wrong, what are you trying to save?

This. OP, why are you even in therapy if your partner doesn't think they did anything wrong? It's not a therapist's job to make sure your partner feels remorse

The bigger problem is your partner. If he does not feel that cheating is wrong, what are you trying to save?

The therapist cannot just condemn your partner if you want the partner to stay in therapy. However it would be nice if the therapist could validate your feelings. “I understand that you feel that way. Let’s focus first on what caused the affair” or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Op you sound very stubborn. You spouse sounds like he/she doesn’t think it was wrong, and the more you dig in the more justified they might feel. Why even bother with counseling? Your spouse clearly has no interest.

I hereby declare you Saint Cheated Upon.

Feel better?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Even if your therapist did condemn the affair, that doesn’t mean your partner would agree and apologize.

Agreed. But it kills the gaslighting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

I’m not sure I totally agree. There are cases where one party is indeed a victim, and the therapist needs to make space for that truth.

+1. My sister's husband in a black out drunk stage shoved her into a wall.This is the one time in their 22 years together that he ever laid a finger on her. I think everyone can agree that it was wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Even if your therapist did condemn the affair, that doesn’t mean your partner would agree and apologize.

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

I’m not sure I totally agree. There are cases where one party is indeed a victim, and the therapist needs to make space for that truth.

The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

I agree that a good therapist would not condition therapy on judging the affair as right or wrong. However, a good therapist would have been able to assure OP that the process was not going to involve gaslighting her to minimize her hurt. There are ways to approach this problem effectively and does not sound like this therapist did that. OP, I suggest you tell the therapist that you feel the need to have your DH say he hurt you before you can proceed, and see what the therapist says. Demanding the therapist take a certain position is not going to work. Focus on expressing your feelings and not hiding behind demands.

That'd be wrong and two wrongs don't make it right.