Anonymous wrote:I honestly get what you’re feeling, but if you were my spouse, I would show zero signs of freaking out (even if I totally was) because I’d be concerned that my freaking out would make the situation 100x worse for you and push you over the edge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!

Yeah, yeah...have him carry and worry about a baby inside your own body for 9 months and then BIRTH it... and THEN talk to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to add that my husband grew up in a war-torn country and experienced all that stuff, too, for years. And also has an "it's fate" mentality, like he doesn't care. He has no control so he just accepts whatever will be.

It took me over a decade to discover this attitude is really a defense mechanism because he himself has anxiety. You might find that he doesn't want to emotionally deal with the idea you might be seriously sick.....and that's why he seems so distant/businesslike/logical.......

Is it a “defense mechanism” or is it a reasonable way to deal with negative emotions?

That’s a genuine question, btw, not a sarcastic one.

I used to suffer from anxiety in my 20s and I sort of learned to manage it by 1. Acknowledging the negative feelings I’m having, 2. Asking myself if there are any real actions I need to take, 3. Moving on with my day if there are not. Oddly enough I realized that these are “steps” that you can teach someone when I attended a parenting class! Over time, I just worried less and less, until I basically became very mellow.

Anonymous wrote:Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!

Anonymous wrote:Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!