Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

I have! Sil wants nothing of it. She doesn’t trust me or DH to watch the kids out of her sight. She also won’t ever leave the kids at my parents (next town over) for a sleepover. Her kids are early to upper elementary so totally doable. I have kids the same age so I dunno?! Anyway let’s stop with the assumptions everyone. This is out of control.

Anonymous wrote:Adult sibling doing well by many accounts (job, family) but maintains NO relationships outside of his domineering wife, three young kids, and my parents (reluctantly — through work circumstances he needs to see them every day). He thinks He is doing great but has always been a little off, I don’t know. Anyway our relationship had totally halted because he is unresponsive. His wife is very reluctantly responsive to me and my DH. My parents tell me that his coworker (a childhood friend) confided in them that my brother seeks out absolutely nobody for social or even conversational stuff. His wife likes to denigrate him and is very short with him. He is always super tightly wound. I feel bad for him but I suspect there’s nothing to do to try to get him help to address whatever mental state he’s in? His wife seems to have selected him as a partner so that she could be in charge and at the same time complain about how he sucks at stuff, which makes me sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

I have! Sil wants nothing of it. She doesn’t trust me or DH to watch the kids out of her sight. She also won’t ever leave the kids at my parents (next town over) for a sleepover. Her kids are early to upper elementary so totally doable. I have kids the same age so I dunno?! Anyway let’s stop with the assumptions everyone. This is out of control.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should offer more of her childcare, housekeeping and scheduling services to her brothers family, to make up for his deficits.

Anonymous wrote:
Asperger's runs in my husband's family. My husband is very much like your brother. He likes it that way. Introversion is a real thing. He hates talking to people and does as little of it as possible, professionally and privately.

His wife probably snipes at your brother because living with an Aspie can be exhausting and lonely. Your brother is probably on edge because he has a full house and that's not conducive to Aspie relaxation

There's nothing you need to do, OP. He'll feel more relaxed when the kids are grown and out of his hair.

Take it easy, OP. Your brother's wife is the one suffering in this situation.

Anonymous wrote:If he truly has Asperger's then he neither seek or need the outside relationship and he is completely happy that way so what you would do is actually to go against the grain. You need to learn more how the Asperger's fare. Also, he it is very hard to find a partner for Asperger's people and keep the relationship is even harder. Check the statistics, and do not ruin it for him if you love him. Asperger's are very difficult to live with because they have a lot of quirks, lots of high functioning issues and
that makes them very difficult partners and hard to co-parent with. If you ever follow the many posts here you would know.
Having a wife who runs the household and him just doing what is needed and as needed is a god sent gift. I am pretty sure the reason she is not the best terms with you is because you want to help him like he is non Aspie using Neurotypical people's standards. You simply seem not to understand him, his relationship and what he needs.

I would suggest you first truly and deeply educate yourself on Asperger Marriage, and Asperger Husbands and only then
you will have some understanding what is possibly his wife dealing with. She is most likely Neurotypical and to make it work is gigantic task between the two. If you don't want him to live alone then do not interfere, what you are trying to do is fixing what does not seem to be broken just because you feel like it is.

I am pretty sure that when you will listen more to his wife, just listen, and hear and use the knowledge from the books and possibly therapy to learn about your brother, then you might get a new friend. She might like you if she senses that you know what she is dealing with because at this point you seem like you only care about our brother and not his family and also what you are trying to do is most likely leading to some conflict between them and I am pretty sure this is the last thing they need.

Aspies are not Neurotypical, they do not share the same needs or wants so you trying to want what you want is like
him trying to make you want what he does. He is not forcing you to drop your friends, so why are you forcing him to make some? It is like this.. a duck is a duck and a cat is a cat, duck loves to swim, cat does not, so if you are forcing a cat to swim, you will end up scratched, cat will end up wet or dead. Let him be. Show support and that is all they need.



Thanks pp that is helpful!

Anonymous wrote:I’d put that as takeaway #5 on the top 5 list of advice to you OP.