Anonymous wrote:Reporting to CPS very likely will not result in immediate removal from the home. They will offer supports to the family as a first step. I have made many reports and have never had it result in separation. They would only do this in the case of immediate danger, in which case you would want her out if this environment. Trust the professionals/school to handle this, but reach out to the mom or grandparents to know that you are able to help.
-School Counselor

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you go to the counselor be aware that s/he may be a mandated reporter and this could result in separating Larla from her mom. I would tread carefully. Personally I would try and get them to a shelter for battered women before reporting to authorities, because that might result in more resources and options for mother.

As for taking Larla in, think carefully about what you are capable of committing to and what it means for this family. Details such as time, and what ifs. This is a complex situation with no easy solutions. That doesn’t mean do nothing but be aware of offering something concrete that you can commit to vs acting from impulse.

As a former teacher I disagree with this so much. Mandatory reporting is overwhelmingly a good thing. Larla might be separated from her abusive father or housed temporarily if the alternative is a car, but in this case she clearly has other family who will house her. The school counselor and/or a social worker will be much better equipped than this random, well-meaning mom to assist them if a shelter is appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for being so caring OP. Yes please don't call CPS, your instinct is right there. There are grandparents looking out for their safety and you have no indication the child was injured (except emotionally of course, don't mean to minimize that). If you want to help, you can reach out to a counselor at school like others have said simply with the intent that you want the counselor to know the family and kids might need extra support. Kids with supportive grandparents, whose parents are having a hard time generally will not be and should not be removed from the home - removal is EXTREMELY, irreparably hard and harmful for kids and is/should only be done in situations where the child's safety is immediately in jeopardy. I know this is hard, but there is no perfect answer in these situations. Removal does not solve the problem unfortunately. If CPS were ever to talk to the family they would likely determine that the grandparents responded appropriately (removing the threat, father, from the home). I know you were not advocating for removal, but you mentioned the child coming to your home and others seem to be insinuating that so sharing a bit of perspective here based on my professional experience. A child being with their biological grandparents even in difficult times has generally been shown to be in the best interest of the child, even when your family could probably provide an overall more stable place.

One option would be to talk to the grandparents - but the risk is, that they may feel embarrassed and tell Larla she shouldn't be talking about these things with others. I think this is a pretty big negative because as a child in a chaotic home, feeling silenced can be really hard and lead to not telling important things in the future. So I see two options:

You can talk to the grandparents at the bus stop in a kind way - my girls told me that Larla's mom is going through a hard time right now, that must be so hard on your whole family and larla is so lucky to have such caring grandparents like you. If I can support you all in any way, please know I am here. I would be happy to take Larla after school a couple days a week - my girls adore her and they would have fun playing together. If that isn't helpful, I could pick her up at the bus stop and drop her at your house, etc. Give concrete things you think you could actually do (and commit to), with consistency. Only have this conversation with the grandparents if you think you can express true empathy, vs judgement/worry.

Or you can simply try to build a relationship with these grandparents at the bus stop - talk with them, show you see them as humans, and see if they start feeling more comfortable so you can slowly be a more supportive force in their and their kids life (being able to take larla after school to lower their burden). Without directly addressing it. I am a big believer in not acting like domestic violence is a private issue that happens in the home so we should let people work it out, I don't agree with that at all - it affects our kids, communities, and we need to talk about it. But like anything it's not completely simple and building a relationship first may go a long way to being able to have conversations later.

The biggest thing you can do is teach your girls that sometimes families go through hard times and it doesn't mean they are bad people, which is sounds like you are already doing. Help your girls process this - the best thing they can do is continue to be an amazing friend to Larla. Talk them through how it hurts us to see others hurting, what are small things they can do to make Larla's day at school better - hugs when she wants them, snacks when she needs them, communicating she is loved and cared for by her friends. These are all really concrete things you and your daughters can do to make a difference in their lives, even though we often can't change the difficult family systems that some children have to navigate.

Also, one important thing you can do is respect the child and families privacy in the sense of not telling other moms about this. It can be tempting because you're feeling distraught about it, but it would likely be coming from a place of pity rather than actually being helpful to them. Kids in these situations don't need everyone's parents talking about them. Not everyone will be as empathic as you and some will judge. And just generally it's about Larla, not you (even though it's difficult for everyone), so her needs need to come first - and having others talk about her is not in her best interest. So just try to be thoughtful about that as you navigate it. You tell one mom and before you know it will be "did you hear about larla?" getting texted all around. Put the child who is dealing with this needs first before your own need that you will probably feel to want to talk about it since you feel upset. If you have already told someone, please reach out and say I thought about it and I really feel I shouldn't be sharing this with others - I'd like to respect Larla's privacy with this, please keep this between you and i.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you go to the counselor be aware that s/he may be a mandated reporter and this could result in separating Larla from her mom. I would tread carefully. Personally I would try and get them to a shelter for battered women before reporting to authorities, because that might result in more resources and options for mother.

As for taking Larla in, think carefully about what you are capable of committing to and what it means for this family. Details such as time, and what ifs. This is a complex situation with no easy solutions. That doesn’t mean do nothing but be aware of offering something concrete that you can commit to vs acting from impulse.

As a former teacher I disagree with this so much. Mandatory reporting is overwhelmingly a good thing. Larla might be separated from her abusive father or housed temporarily if the alternative is a car, but in this case she clearly has other family who will house her. The school counselor and/or a social worker will be much better equipped than this random, well-meaning mom to assist them if a shelter is appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you go to the counselor be aware that s/he may be a mandated reporter and this could result in separating Larla from her mom. I would tread carefully. Personally I would try and get them to a shelter for battered women before reporting to authorities, because that might result in more resources and options for mother.

As for taking Larla in, think carefully about what you are capable of committing to and what it means for this family. Details such as time, and what ifs. This is a complex situation with no easy solutions. That doesn’t mean do nothing but be aware of offering something concrete that you can commit to vs acting from impulse.