Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

I told him, showed him studies, brought him to the doctor who also told him, and he chose to insist on taking the risk anyway. This is the problem for me that I can't get past. He ignored me pleas, warnings, and now the thing he ignored is coming true. I no longer trust him or want to be with him because of how he behaved around this.

I believe you, but those things never register. He probably didn't want kids are much as you - which doesn't mean he won't love them to bits if they do come! Also, other posters might be correct that he viewed a stable home as a priority.

My husband is a selfish academic (ADHD/Asperger's), so on some level I get it. Take it from me: you MUST let go of this anger, it's not healthy for you. You must not let anger dictate your actions. Otherwise you will live to regret it. Be creative.

I appreciate your reply. I am finding it very difficult. The root for me I believe is that I had an upbringing with a very dismissive/invalidating parent and my other parent died when I was a baby so I didn't have another parent to balance that dynamic. To me this is a very big thing trigger, that I was dismissed and my priorities/desires/feelings were pushed to the side. When we got engaged we both thought we'd start a family in a year or two. So we hadn't pre-discussed how to handle it if he didn't get a job for as long as it took him, unfortunately. And when things went sideways it felt like it was all about him and his career and what he wanted and not about my priorities, which he aggressively silenced and dismissed. And now I am the one peeing on sticks, going to fertility appointments, and getting disappointed month after month. I also now make almost 2 times as much money which is kind of a miracle considering that my career was sidelined for his. So what was all this fuss about? He could have gotten a stable job doing anything if he wanted to and providing for his family was the priority. But it wasn't. His ego was the priority.

PP you replied to. Right, and my parents were not the best either. You sound like you hang on to a lot of resentment, blame everyone around you and refuse to take responsibility for your own life. I was like that too, years ago, but I realized it wasn't getting me anywhere. Sure you can separate now. It's best if the love is gone and nothing can be salvaged. However looking at it from the outside, your anger is misplaced. Make your decisions with cool and clear logic, not because "it's all his fault".

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you freeze your eggs? That’s on you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

I told him, showed him studies, brought him to the doctor who also told him, and he chose to insist on taking the risk anyway. This is the problem for me that I can't get past. He ignored me pleas, warnings, and now the thing he ignored is coming true. I no longer trust him or want to be with him because of how he behaved around this.

I believe you, but those things never register. He probably didn't want kids are much as you - which doesn't mean he won't love them to bits if they do come! Also, other posters might be correct that he viewed a stable home as a priority.

My husband is a selfish academic (ADHD/Asperger's), so on some level I get it. Take it from me: you MUST let go of this anger, it's not healthy for you. You must not let anger dictate your actions. Otherwise you will live to regret it. Be creative.

I appreciate your reply. I am finding it very difficult. The root for me I believe is that I had an upbringing with a very dismissive/invalidating parent and my other parent died when I was a baby so I didn't have another parent to balance that dynamic. To me this is a very big thing trigger, that I was dismissed and my priorities/desires/feelings were pushed to the side. When we got engaged we both thought we'd start a family in a year or two. So we hadn't pre-discussed how to handle it if he didn't get a job for as long as it took him, unfortunately. And when things went sideways it felt like it was all about him and his career and what he wanted and not about my priorities, which he aggressively silenced and dismissed. And now I am the one peeing on sticks, going to fertility appointments, and getting disappointed month after month. I also now make almost 2 times as much money which is kind of a miracle considering that my career was sidelined for his. So what was all this fuss about? He could have gotten a stable job doing anything if he wanted to and providing for his family was the priority. But it wasn't. His ego was the priority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting tenure track is a bit brutal. You have to do a lot of research and publication and your time is not really your own as you are the junior person trying to get your foot in the door. You get the worst teaching schedules and have to pick up a lot of service and community work to have the resume you need for tenure.

You would have hated him as a co-parent during his push for tenure. He wouldn't have been home all the time or available to you as you would have needed him. He knew that he couldn't be a good parent to a new born and push for tenure at the same time.

Anyways, I read your other posts and didn't agree with you there either. You didn't like the man and it really had nothing to do with children or fertility. The only position that mattered to you was your own. Good thing you are separating - although kicking someone out of the house is pretty disrespectful and immature.

If that was true at least she'd have a kid and it would be a rough patch they could survive. This way they're done

No. They'd have divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting tenure track is a bit brutal. You have to do a lot of research and publication and your time is not really your own as you are the junior person trying to get your foot in the door. You get the worst teaching schedules and have to pick up a lot of service and community work to have the resume you need for tenure.

You would have hated him as a co-parent during his push for tenure. He wouldn't have been home all the time or available to you as you would have needed him. He knew that he couldn't be a good parent to a new born and push for tenure at the same time.

Anyways, I read your other posts and didn't agree with you there either. You didn't like the man and it really had nothing to do with children or fertility. The only position that mattered to you was your own. Good thing you are separating - although kicking someone out of the house is pretty disrespectful and immature.

If that was true at least she'd have a kid and it would be a rough patch they could survive. This way they're done

Anonymous wrote:Getting tenure track is a bit brutal. You have to do a lot of research and publication and your time is not really your own as you are the junior person trying to get your foot in the door. You get the worst teaching schedules and have to pick up a lot of service and community work to have the resume you need for tenure.

You would have hated him as a co-parent during his push for tenure. He wouldn't have been home all the time or available to you as you would have needed him. He knew that he couldn't be a good parent to a new born and push for tenure at the same time.

Anyways, I read your other posts and didn't agree with you there either. You didn't like the man and it really had nothing to do with children or fertility. The only position that mattered to you was your own. Good thing you are separating - although kicking someone out of the house is pretty disrespectful and immature.

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a professional athlete who spent six years in the minor leagues and we moved from team to team pursuing his dream and it was very hard on me as having a child would have been difficult always moving and without a lot of income. But he had a passion for his sport and I had confidence that someday he would make it. At times it was very frustrating living in the boondocks and never putting down roots but we were in it together. Eventually he made the major leagues and while we moved a couple of times the financial security we had from day 1 said it’s time to have a baby and buy a house. I never thought about leaving and I’m so glad I stuck it out.

Anonymous wrote:You sound a little psychotic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

I told him, showed him studies, brought him to the doctor who also told him, and he chose to insist on taking the risk anyway. This is the problem for me that I can't get past. He ignored me pleas, warnings, and now the thing he ignored is coming true. I no longer trust him or want to be with him because of how he behaved around this.

I believe you, but those things never register. He probably didn't want kids are much as you - which doesn't mean he won't love them to bits if they do come! Also, other posters might be correct that he viewed a stable home as a priority.

My husband is a selfish academic (ADHD/Asperger's), so on some level I get it. Take it from me: you MUST let go of this anger, it's not healthy for you. You must not let anger dictate your actions. Otherwise you will live to regret it. Be creative.