Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh is a successful individual. He always was top of his class and is successful at work. But at home he’s falling apart. After we had our second child it just took a nosedive. He’s a traveling consultant and last year lost 7 iPhone cables, tooth brush charger, then lost the toothbrush itself a month later, shoes, coats, random clothes and credit cards. We just went on a vacation that had a black tie dinner. I packed everything for the kids and I. I even laid out dhs shirts. He remembered his tux, but forgot cumberbund, studs, tux shoes, black socks and cuff links. He’s always out buying someone a Christmas present on Christmas Eve (even after I took over gifts for everyone). He often can’t voucher at work because he loses the receipts. But somehow at work he’s on top of every detail of his huge contracts. Dh isn’t trying to drop the ball with us and he’s not checked out. Clearly lacking executive functioning skills though.

Is there any hope? He’s adamant he doesn’t want meds. I’m extremely organized and type A, so for a decade we’ve relied on my lists and organization. But it only goes so far. I’ve never let him touch our finances and I keep nearly every detail of our household running (I’m not a sahm) but I can’t put more work in.

I strongly suspect that the bolded is not the case. Most likely he has an awesome person (or group of people) supporting him at work, the same way you are supporting him at home. I work with a person like your DH. He is brilliant, but completely helpless with the details and the minutiae. Which is great, because I am decidedly NOT a genius, but am extremely organized and meticulous about the details. We make a great team, and everyone is amazed at how awesome he is and how he can keep all these projects running smoothly. Yeah, because he is the head of the duck gliding smoothly along the top of the water, thinking big strategic thoughts, and I am the feet paddling madly below the surface to keep us both afloat and things running smoothly. I suggest you find this person and thank him or her profusely. And do them, yourself and your husband a favor, and convince him that he needs to get medicated. GL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

Anonymous wrote:I’m the ADHD spouse in our marriage. I’ve read all the books, I have a therapist, I’m medicated. I STILL do all this stuff. I just do. I wish my brain worked differently. Sometimes I think I have early dementia because forgetfulness is getting way worse.

There are some things I’m really good at: focusing on and caring for my child, for instance. Taking care of all medical and financial stuff. Other things I am not: remembering where my stuff is. Organizing things. Remembering in general. Seriously, my worst fear when our child was a baby was that I would leave him in a hot car.

I’m a pretty great wife and mom in many ways...I’m patient and kind and present and even keeled. Just ridiculously forgetful. Luckily, DH seems to accept this. I’m good at many things he is not good at so he seems okay with sharing more of the remembering and noticing burden.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

Yes.

He needs treatment. He needs to be evaluated.

Anonymous wrote:Try letting him experience consequences more often. Really think before you take over a responsibility.

You may also benefit from simplifying your life, schedule, and home visual environment.

Anonymous wrote:Dh is a successful individual. He always was top of his class and is successful at work. But at home he’s falling apart. After we had our second child it just took a nosedive. He’s a traveling consultant and last year lost 7 iPhone cables, tooth brush charger, then lost the toothbrush itself a month later, shoes, coats, random clothes and credit cards. We just went on a vacation that had a black tie dinner. I packed everything for the kids and I. I even laid out dhs shirts. He remembered his tux, but forgot cumberbund, studs, tux shoes, black socks and cuff links. He’s always out buying someone a Christmas present on Christmas Eve (even after I took over gifts for everyone). He often can’t voucher at work because he loses the receipts. But somehow at work he’s on top of every detail of his huge contracts. Dh isn’t trying to drop the ball with us and he’s not checked out. Clearly lacking executive functioning skills though.

Is there any hope? He’s adamant he doesn’t want meds. I’m extremely organized and type A, so for a decade we’ve relied on my lists and organization. But it only goes so far. I’ve never let him touch our finances and I keep nearly every detail of our household running (I’m not a sahm) but I can’t put more work in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

OP here. He is bothered by losing things, forgetting appointments and things like that. But it doesn't change. He often doesn't tell me he's lost items because he knows it's crazy too. The tux example was such a good recent example though. Who doesn't check for their tux shoes when you pack your tux? Or grab the studs when you grab your bow tie? The only thing that's ever worked is me texting DH "Remember to bring your W2 home" "Dentist appointment at noon" "Text your dad, it's his birthday". I have a joint calendar and joint note app (Wunderlist) so I can see his schedule. But then it's like I have a 3rd child. He often asks me for lists of what to do around the house so that he can prioritize his weekend or week nights.

Anything with huge, lasting consequences gets done by me. Like our taxes, paying our bills, vacations, appointments.

If he were to get on ADHD meds, do they truly fix these issues? My sister was on Ritalin and I don't remember her being super productive when she was on them.

Anonymous wrote:Is he bothered by the lost and forgotten items or only you? If he wants to improve, he must make a pack list (you can check it). He will also have to recheck his list when repacking at his destination.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of these seem like a big deal honestly. I understand that you’re super type A and it bothers you, but maybe just don’t sweat the small stuff.

OP here. It is a pretty big deal actually. Not showing up with the right tux accessories means we have to spend half a vacation day at a crummy tux rental store instead of doing planned activities. I am laid back and don't want to nag DH. I feel like more and more things are falling through the cracks or winding up on my shoulders. His job isn't stressful and it's probably less stress than my job (I make more money too with less hours).

He's very much against medications and thinks ADHD is bogus

You need to let him fail and experience the consequences. Plan less activities, and plan things you can do without him.