My 70 year old parents have been invited to come see their three grandchildren numerous times and have plenty of money to travel. They see their grandkids a total of maybe 1.5 weeks a year. And half of that is us visiting them as a family of five. Wish we were in the "needy" boat!

Anonymous wrote:This language about “access” to grandkids is so bizzare and foreign to me. Don’t people like free childcare from people who love their kids? I sure do. My mom and in laws can have all the “access” they want since access = I can lay down and read while my kids are taken care of.

You’re assuming that everyone else has parents and in-laws that are trustworthy and reliable like yours seem to be.

This language about “access” to grandkids is so bizzare and foreign to me. Don’t people like free childcare from people who love their kids? I sure do. My mom and in laws can have all the “access” they want since access = I can lay down and read while my kids are taken care of.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

You're obviously grandma or grandpa, because you clearly have no idea what activities actually involve these days. My guess is you don't even fully understand what your grandchildren do. Swimming is typically a costly investment...no one around here is taking free swim at the Y. Furthermore, most sports around here are a team commitment and you're screwing the rest of your team if you can't show up. It's okay not to have all the answers or totally understand what the grand kids are up to. Agree...it's much more complicated and busy now. Not okay to be bitter nuisance. And yes...if you haven't bothered to be around for three months then your grand kids will choose to celebrate the birthday of a kid they spend five days a week with then see you.

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

Whoa you must be a selfish needy beast! You seriously think the birthday celebration should ignore what the birthday kid would enjoy doing and instead go fawn over granny? Sure let's not sign up for chess or some other activity that they kid would enjoy because you know, granny might call and need some butt kissing attention pronto.

This is really ridiculous. Grandparents needs to stop being intrusive and trying to make everything about them or everything to involve them. If you get invited somewhere, great but just because you are related it doesn't mean you get to push, cajole, manipulate and pout pout as you try to force yourself onto others.

I think some grandparents (like the very top of this post) realize how totally inadequate their parenting was in comparison to how their children are as parents. For this reason, they seek to diminish their adult children’s hard work (creating a social and enriching life for their children) to make themselves feel like they did enough.

My grandparents were also poorer, self sufficient, and had enough of their own problems that we had to help them, not the other way around. No way did they feel physically like coming to any kid events, and rarely to kid parties. And those were the grandparents who were still alive.

Anonymous wrote:
You just think the grandparents are so carefree because they aren't looking to you, they'd look to your parents for any help they needed. Your parents probably gave them the help they needed either without complaint because it was expected or they complained amongst their own generation. Your parents are looking to you, naturally. You just think they are too needy because you don't want to help them.


Not true.

I would have remembered if my grandparents had shown up to every soccer game, every dance recital and every school play. They had their own lives. Meanwhile, my parents and ILs completely smother us and then ask about sleepovers.

Same here. Grandma is the most self sufficient and independent of all the older relatives. Her kids are all takers and constantly need or expect something from their adult kids. I think some of it may also be economic. Grandma is very frugal, saved for years, and has been comfortable in retirement not only because she put away enough but as importantly because she doesn't want to spend a lot. Her house is awesome and she has lived in it since the 1950s. It has original 1950s blue ceramic tile and fixtures in the bathroom, original flat front cabinets in the kitchen, parquet floors etc. She will repair things that are broken, has a housekeeper that comes once a week, but pushes back on all her kids attempts to get her to remodel. My parents and their siblings on the other hand are constantly redecorating, upsizing downsizing and remodeling. Grandma just shakes her head at the amount of money they have wasted in remodeling, redecorating, and real estate transaction fees and commissions.

Many boomers have not saved enough to last them into their 80s or 90s . Even the ones that have saved will not be able to keep up the lifestyle that they are used to living. This is probably creating intense insecurity that leads them to smother their own adult children.

Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

Whoa you must be a selfish needy beast! You seriously think the birthday celebration should ignore what the birthday kid would enjoy doing and instead go fawn over granny? Sure let's not sign up for chess or some other activity that they kid would enjoy because you know, granny might call and need some butt kissing attention pronto.

This is really ridiculous. Grandparents needs to stop being intrusive and trying to make everything about them or everything to involve them. If you get invited somewhere, great but just because you are related it doesn't mean you get to push, cajole, manipulate and pout pout as you try to force yourself onto others.

Anonymous wrote:You just think the grandparents are so carefree because they aren't looking to you, they'd look to your parents for any help they needed. Your parents probably gave them the help they needed either without complaint because it was expected or they complained amongst their own generation. Your parents are looking to you, naturally. You just think they are too needy because you don't want to help them.

Not true.

I would have remembered if my grandparents had shown up to every soccer game, every dance recital and every school play. They had their own lives. Meanwhile, my parents and ILs completely smother us and then ask about sleepovers.

Yea- I’d say everyone is needy now. My grandparents didn’t go to our school functions because we had 2 a year. Now, everything is a production/contest.

Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

Is it because of social media? They want opportunities to show themselves on social media as involved grandparents to their friends? I know my mom (local) posts pics on Facebook every time she’s with the grandkids and it makes MIL (not local) jealous because she thinks my mom gets access to them all the time when it’s actually not that frequent.

Forgot to mention my inlaws. MIL would be in trouble for neglect the way she parented back then. No boundaries. No love. No parenting. Lots of drinking. FIL was out of the picture. Yet, they expected to be doted on constantly once their children were adults and threw multiple fits when their kids focused on their own families.

Anonymous wrote:You just think the grandparents are so carefree because they aren't looking to you, they'd look to your parents for any help they needed. Your parents probably gave them the help they needed either without complaint because it was expected or they complained amongst their own generation. Your parents are looking to you, naturally. You just think they are too needy because you don't want to help them.

Different poster. Not in our case. My parents did close to nothing for their parents. Left most of the burden on siblings and expected the standing ovation when they did make a trip. Once their parents no longer knew who they were they went years without seeing them. Now history is being rewritten and they are so frickin needy sometimes and whiny. I did find with mom when I stepped back and stopped being there for her so much she finally got back with her FRIENDS and has a social life. She wanted me and my family to be her whole life and that isn't healthy. Her behavior is less crazy too now that she has a life.

wouldn't a lot of them be boomers? that's probably why.