Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 16:10     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, think about why it's important for you to be married. Many of us would not agree that it's ideal. You have the ideal, in our minds. Can you explain? If it's at-all re: financial security, make sure you are very honest with yourself that that is your reason.


It’s not about money as in earnings. We are both high earners and I make just a bit more if you count my bonuses. But it sure does seem silly that we spend so much time together and support two households. Two mortgages, two sets of bills, etc. Both of us are very financially stable with lots of growth potential in our careers, but we also have lots of kids to put through college and it seems wasteful to spend money supporting two houses when we could be saving more.

Add to that, that we genuinely all like each other a lot and want to spend time together and it really compounds the craziness of two houses. Our kids (even the teens) are always begging for the other’s kids to hang out.


Statistically second marriages are less successful. You each had single households that failed. Why would a new marriage be more successful? Have you dated others?
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 16:07     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Have you dated other people since your divorce? Honestly you are coming across needy and desperate.

Give some thoughts to his kids. They probably like their schools. Their Mom I'm sure has some input.

Your boyfriend may be very happy with the way things are now. I would not assume that marrying is what he wants if he has not been divorced long.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 16:04     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you make his kids change schools they may really resent it.

Consider college financial aid eligibility. If they lose their aid due to your marriage, you should pay the difference.


His would need to change schools. That’s part of why I think we should talk about it and plan for it. I don’t think they would be opposed in the long term since they know plenty of people in my kids schools from the community, camps, etc- but change is always hard.

We won’t qualify for any aid on our own. We each make quite a bit as individuals, plus we’re both divorced from people that make quite a bit.


And what does the kids Mom say about the schools.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 16:02     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:You people like details.

His- all boys, ages 13, 10, 6
Mine- all boys, ages 13, 9, 7

We met on an app, but it turned out that we already had a bunch of friends in common, including several of our boy’s friends and their families. We live about 2 miles away from each other so we’re always bopping back and forth to each other’s houses. My house is twice the size of his with plenty of space. Everyone but the youngest two would have their own bedrooms. The youngest two are totally inseparable, and they’ll be fine sharing a room.

Trust me, I understand crazy. My kids are off the charts energetic, and while his can be quieter at times they jump right in. 6 boys is not for the faint of heart. But they seriously love each other and their friend groups are relatively intertwined. Those friends all live in my neighborhood and attend my schools.


If the youngest are 6 and 7 you have not been divorced long. No one likes to permanently share rooms. Everyone on this forum is telling you to slow things down.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 16:01     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:You people like details.

His- all boys, ages 13, 10, 6
Mine- all boys, ages 13, 9, 7

We met on an app, but it turned out that we already had a bunch of friends in common, including several of our boy’s friends and their families. We live about 2 miles away from each other so we’re always bopping back and forth to each other’s houses. My house is twice the size of his with plenty of space. Everyone but the youngest two would have their own bedrooms. The youngest two are totally inseparable, and they’ll be fine sharing a room.

Trust me, I understand crazy. My kids are off the charts energetic, and while his can be quieter at times they jump right in. 6 boys is not for the faint of heart. But they seriously love each other and their friend groups are relatively intertwined. Those friends all live in my neighborhood and attend my schools.


Yes we do, and you have ignored a lot of the questions.

Whose school is better, and would his ex need to consent to the move?
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 16:00     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you make his kids change schools they may really resent it.

Consider college financial aid eligibility. If they lose their aid due to your marriage, you should pay the difference.


His would need to change schools. That’s part of why I think we should talk about it and plan for it. I don’t think they would be opposed in the long term since they know plenty of people in my kids schools from the community, camps, etc- but change is always hard.

We won’t qualify for any aid on our own. We each make quite a bit as individuals, plus we’re both divorced from people that make quite a bit.


Sheesh, just wait 10 years. Let his kids have personal time with their Dad in their Dad's house.

If you can't afford your house buy a smaller house. Don't marry to save money on the bills.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:50     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:You people like details.

His- all boys, ages 13, 10, 6
Mine- all boys, ages 13, 9, 7

We met on an app, but it turned out that we already had a bunch of friends in common, including several of our boy’s friends and their families. We live about 2 miles away from each other so we’re always bopping back and forth to each other’s houses. My house is twice the size of his with plenty of space. Everyone but the youngest two would have their own bedrooms. The youngest two are totally inseparable, and they’ll be fine sharing a room.

Trust me, I understand crazy. My kids are off the charts energetic, and while his can be quieter at times they jump right in. 6 boys is not for the faint of heart. But they seriously love each other and their friend groups are relatively intertwined. Those friends all live in my neighborhood and attend my schools.


Living so close together makes it even less important to marry IMO. You introduced then awfully fast, and if the youngest is 6, the divorce is not even that old. If you have plenty of money then why do you care?

Sounds like a hellscape of puberty to me.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:46     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
You people like details.

His- all boys, ages 13, 10, 6
Mine- all boys, ages 13, 9, 7

We met on an app, but it turned out that we already had a bunch of friends in common, including several of our boy’s friends and their families. We live about 2 miles away from each other so we’re always bopping back and forth to each other’s houses. My house is twice the size of his with plenty of space. Everyone but the youngest two would have their own bedrooms. The youngest two are totally inseparable, and they’ll be fine sharing a room.

Trust me, I understand crazy. My kids are off the charts energetic, and while his can be quieter at times they jump right in. 6 boys is not for the faint of heart. But they seriously love each other and their friend groups are relatively intertwined. Those friends all live in my neighborhood and attend my schools.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:14     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
My husband and I (married 5.5 years with one kid) started talking about marriage immediately. However, we had been friends for 2 years before dating, so I guess it was a little different.

When we started dating, there was just this unspoken understanding that we were in love and would get married. I can't explain it.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:12     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you make his kids change schools they may really resent it.

Consider college financial aid eligibility. If they lose their aid due to your marriage, you should pay the difference.


His would need to change schools. That’s part of why I think we should talk about it and plan for it. I don’t think they would be opposed in the long term since they know plenty of people in my kids schools from the community, camps, etc- but change is always hard.

We won’t qualify for any aid on our own. We each make quite a bit as individuals, plus we’re both divorced from people that make quite a bit.


How old are his kids? And would his ex need to consent to changing schools, and what does this mean for her logistically?


You gave a range of ages.

How old are his kids and how old are your kids?

Changing schools and moving in with a stepmom would be a lot. Add in new siblings.

My kids fight ALL the time. Think hard before trying to make this brwdy bunch house.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:12     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
I would not do this. Why rock the boat? Ok, the kids get along (or so you choose to believe) but that does not make the compatible housemates. We all have people we like but would hate to live with, especially if it involves major compromises like changing schools or sharing rooms. Every relationship, between every person and every other person, will be under pressure. Your parenting differences will be in the spotlight. Everything his kids dislike will be blamed on you. They have already lost their intact family and found a new normal, and now you want to upset the apple cart again.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:07     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you make his kids change schools they may really resent it.

Consider college financial aid eligibility. If they lose their aid due to your marriage, you should pay the difference.


His would need to change schools. That’s part of why I think we should talk about it and plan for it. I don’t think they would be opposed in the long term since they know plenty of people in my kids schools from the community, camps, etc- but change is always hard.

We won’t qualify for any aid on our own. We each make quite a bit as individuals, plus we’re both divorced from people that make quite a bit.


How old are his kids? And would his ex need to consent to changing schools, and what does this mean for her logistically?
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 15:03     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Anonymous wrote:If you make his kids change schools they may really resent it.

Consider college financial aid eligibility. If they lose their aid due to your marriage, you should pay the difference.


His would need to change schools. That’s part of why I think we should talk about it and plan for it. I don’t think they would be opposed in the long term since they know plenty of people in my kids schools from the community, camps, etc- but change is always hard.

We won’t qualify for any aid on our own. We each make quite a bit as individuals, plus we’re both divorced from people that make quite a bit.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 14:59     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
If you make his kids change schools they may really resent it.

Consider college financial aid eligibility. If they lose their aid due to your marriage, you should pay the difference.
Anonymous
Post 02/04/2020 14:58     Subject: When did you start talking about the future?
Don't bother getting married again.

How old are your children?