OP. - Is there anyone that your son might talk to who might be a positive with out judgement in his life to help him, too, prioritize why so many things are hitting him? If he will not engage in talking to you and DH, this is a key step needed. I agree that a family counselor might be the way to go because he has to have a buy-in to do something. A mental health screening also seems key, but if on weed and drinking, then pills may only complicate things.

It may be that you and DH might even benefit from seeing a therapist to get advice on how to intercede as a team and also how to deal with the impact of DS on your other children, especially if younger. We had a rough few years with a DD who was a top student in college when mental health first manifested itself clearly, and I will tell you that the impact on our middle daughter her younger typical sibling is there in how the two older girls relate today( married, with good jobs and two kids each). So just find a way to keep the others’ needs in view, too.

Op I'm sorry.

To any of the previous posters who think this could not happen to them because they are perfect parents. No you are not better parents. Your crisis has not happened yet. Or you are super lucky.

I can not believe the lack of empathy.

OP Like previous poster recommended family therapy, individual therapy for you and your DH might help. It's unfortunately going to be along road. This is something a teen needs to want to fix themselves.

And the question of "how did he arrive here?" is a good one because sometimes looking back can give hints on how to move forward.

I'm guessing you already have clear house rules, attending school as a priority (want him to graduate HS). Job?

Not sure about a boarding school in some ways it might be good to get him out of his current environment, but ones that take kids like this are super expensive and hard to find. Again a therapist might be able to direct you.

You are not going to change his eating habits.

My first question was also where is he getting the money to support his habits? Also, how much free time does he have? My teens go to school (I do drop-off/pick up) and extracurriculars are closely supervised by teachers or other trusted adults. I really don’t think they have the time or opportunity to get into bad stuff. They don’t hang out at friend’s houses or roam the neighborhood in groups. I would look at how much free time your DS has and keep him busy.

How did he arrive at this point.

I would look at an alternative high school placement with lots of therapy built in. Talk to your school social worker and kids’ therapist. I think a residential boarding school with a solid reputation is the way to go, if funding can be found. Start with advice from experts who have worked with kids like yours. Outward Bound for troubled teens has scholarships.

I'm so sorry. I went through a phase like this myself, and my parents tried so many things but I just kept getting in trouble because ultimately, I thought I was worthless. The only thing that helped was finding a religion that made me believe that I was worth something. Not saying that will work for your child, but the problem was the feeling of worthlessness. That feeling didn't come from my parents -- they loved me and I knew it. In fact their love actually made everything worse, because I felt I didn't deserve it. It had something to do with the way I perceived the world.

Try contacting the Ross Center. My DS is now in college and is finally in a good place with therapy and meds.
https://www.rosscenter.com/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wellness reboot? OP, did you build this out of apathy? Did you have a nanny who raised your child? At what point did you decide to parent? Serious questions... you sound completely removed from your child.

Pretty insensitive. I was far from not involved or loving. I have two other children that are doing very well. I was a sahm and I have a good relationship with my kids, despite our struggles with one.

DP. The first poster is insensitive but I want to point out that different kids need different things. Parenting isn't one-size-fits-all unfortunately. We have to modify our parenting for each kid.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly - I'd prioritize. Therapy. You're not going to be able to fix the whole list at once. The smoking is not great, but maybe you could work on some of the more acute things first and open up the lines of communication. That will set the stage to form a positive relationship to problem solve.

Have you tried family therapy? Clicking with the right one can be a chore, but once you do, you at least have a framework and open communication line to work on some of these things.

+1 Especially the family therapy and even individual therapy for the parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is he getting the money? That is always where I start.

Why ? That’s not really the issue money is about control this kid needs healing and likely mental health support

You can’t vape and smoke weed without access to money to bad friends. I’d be looking at both.

I have a kid who has similar issues. I can assure you that kids find a way even without you giving them money. Friends share. There is shoplifting. They use their lunch account t to buy food and other kids pay them for the food. And then some kids get Money for sex. That being said, I did cut off all money. I don’t want my money used for anything I don’t approve of

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is he getting the money? That is always where I start.

Why ? That’s not really the issue money is about control this kid needs healing and likely mental health support

It certainly is a concern.

Handling the "concrete" first is necessary before reaching the "abstract." Providing cash to a kid who's likely to spend it on drugs isn't a smart move.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is he getting the money? That is always where I start.

Why ? That’s not really the issue money is about control this kid needs healing and likely mental health support

You can’t vape and smoke weed without access to money to bad friends. I’d be looking at both.

Anonymous wrote:Where is he getting the money? That is always where I start.

Why ? That’s not really the issue money is about control this kid needs healing and likely mental health support

Where is he getting the money? That is always where I start.

Anonymous wrote:A wellness reboot? OP, did you build this out of apathy? Did you have a nanny who raised your child? At what point did you decide to parent? Serious questions... you sound completely removed from your child.

Pretty insensitive. I was far from not involved or loving. I have two other children that are doing very well. I was a sahm and I have a good relationship with my kids, despite our struggles with one.