I have a kid like this. And here’s the thing. She only lies when she hits a situation she can’t manage, and she is afraid I will be angry or try to force it. So, I spend a lot of time telling her that she needs to discuss these situations with her therapist, but that no one is going to force her to do anything. And that most of my job as her mom now that she is a teen is helping her. So please, let me help. Not force. Help her— find a therapist, look at medication, learn to advocate for herself.

She was scared you wouldn’t understand and would be angry. And she was right.

I know with my daughter, my biggest fear is that she will get into big trouble some day— pregnancy, date rape, flunking college classes, and hide it from me. That is terrifying. I need her to trust that I will listen to her and help.

Your kid has a problem. Listen and offer to help. If she doesn’t want help, let it go.

Her anxiety is more disabling than you thought. What kind of treatment is she getting?

Anonymous wrote:Poor girl. But she sounds like a bright kid, she'll have other opportunities.
My concern would be that she doesn't feel like she can get through the social event, not that she missed this particular opportunity. If her therapist isn't helping her find skills to actually get through it (body language, how make small talk, how to approach someone) then I would either get a new therapist or get some books. Even something like an etiquette book can help as it gives you "rules" and helps structure an unstructured situation.

FWIW, for me and many others, college is where I learned to do stuff like this. I would not have been equipped at the end of senior year. And I will be forever grateful to my shy dad who told me to ask other people questions in small talk bc people love to talk about themselves and then you don’t have to talk. Combine that simple tip with maturity and DD might well be fine long term.

Poor girl. But she sounds like a bright kid, she'll have other opportunities.
My concern would be that she doesn't feel like she can get through the social event, not that she missed this particular opportunity. If her therapist isn't helping her find skills to actually get through it (body language, how make small talk, how to approach someone) then I would either get a new therapist or get some books. Even something like an etiquette book can help as it gives you "rules" and helps structure an unstructured situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be more concerned she did not tell you.

She sounds worried about your reaction.

She did tell them she’s in somewhere else which is an odd excuse given you said she still would still go there if she got accepted.

I think there might be more to this.

She could have just told them she had a prior engagement. Maybe she panicked?

It was probably an unusual situation for her, and she didn't know how to turn them down.

She was feeling anxious and just wanted to whatever she could to avoid the anxiety which is totally understandable. She didn't tell mom or dad because she feared they'd try to make her go or make her feel bad about not going. Let her know you will help her figure stuff out next time.

+1