Anonymous
Post 01/20/2020 18:54     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. When she was in the middle stages of dementia, she sometimes thought we were still fighting all the time. for example, she would call and say stuff like " I wish we would stop fighting all the time, I want us to get along." It was kind of sweet but also heartbreaking because she had forgotten how well we had gotten along for the past twenty years.

Hang in there OP!! It all sucks. Hopefully you can get your mom a formal diagnosis.


OP here. This is what I am afraid of. We fought during my teen years, but then had a great relationship. Now it's like she thinks I am a disobedient teen. You are right. It sucks!



The difference is that when you were a teen, you could control your behavior and chose not to. This is different. Your mom has no control over what is happening to her now. She has no choice about her behavior. You need to be more compassionate and respectful. Would you complain about her behavior if she had brain cancer and a tumor was affecting how she acted?


I;m the PP you are quoting. First of all, how do you know that OP isn't being compassionate and respectful? She is posting on a message board and her post doesn't really say how she is acting towards her mom. There is nothing wrong with venting a bit on a message board given the difficult situation she is facing. That situation is made worse by the fact that her mother is refusing to get a formal diagnosis, so it is difficult to know if it is actually dementia.

Also, per your remark about me as a teen/twenty something being able to control my behavior and choosing not to, how do you know that when we fought, I was in the wrong and the mom was in the right? Most mother/daughter relationships are a lot more complicated than that.


Um … OP self-described her/your behavior as "disobedient teen." What is not clear about that? And as someone who has been both a teen and a parent it is pretty easy to generalize that the parent is more often right than the teen.

As for your support of venting, it is pretty clear that you don't understand what is healthy or not. It isn't normal or healthy to have this much anger that OP (you?) is still at it day after day. If you read up on venting you would understand that venting is healthy basically only if it is one and done. The fact that OP continues to feed the vent means that OP needs to do more than vent. She probably needs to get into therapy and deal with her issues. When she does that she'll be in a better place to deal with her issues concerning her mom.


Well said. I think there is someone who just keeps coming back to say :stop complaining" "stop being selfish" over and over. You made a very good point. Probably best to ignore the poster who ironically wants us to stop, but cannot let it go that we aren't going to stop sharing our experiences and how tough it is.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2020 17:09     Subject: Re:In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
If you aren't "one and done" then you become the "constant complainer." Not healthy.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2020 16:00     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. When she was in the middle stages of dementia, she sometimes thought we were still fighting all the time. for example, she would call and say stuff like " I wish we would stop fighting all the time, I want us to get along." It was kind of sweet but also heartbreaking because she had forgotten how well we had gotten along for the past twenty years.

Hang in there OP!! It all sucks. Hopefully you can get your mom a formal diagnosis.


OP here. This is what I am afraid of. We fought during my teen years, but then had a great relationship. Now it's like she thinks I am a disobedient teen. You are right. It sucks!



The difference is that when you were a teen, you could control your behavior and chose not to. This is different. Your mom has no control over what is happening to her now. She has no choice about her behavior. You need to be more compassionate and respectful. Would you complain about her behavior if she had brain cancer and a tumor was affecting how she acted?


I;m the PP you are quoting. First of all, how do you know that OP isn't being compassionate and respectful? She is posting on a message board and her post doesn't really say how she is acting towards her mom. There is nothing wrong with venting a bit on a message board given the difficult situation she is facing. That situation is made worse by the fact that her mother is refusing to get a formal diagnosis, so it is difficult to know if it is actually dementia.

Also, per your remark about me as a teen/twenty something being able to control my behavior and choosing not to, how do you know that when we fought, I was in the wrong and the mom was in the right? Most mother/daughter relationships are a lot more complicated than that.




Um … OP self-described her/your behavior as "disobedient teen." What is not clear about that? And as someone who has been both a teen and a parent it is pretty easy to generalize that the parent is more often right than the teen.

As for your support of venting, it is pretty clear that you don't understand what is healthy or not. It isn't normal or healthy to have this much anger that OP (you?) is still at it day after day. If you read up on venting you would understand that venting is healthy basically only if it is one and done. The fact that OP continues to feed the vent means that OP needs to do more than vent. She probably needs to get into therapy and deal with her issues. When she does that she'll be in a better place to deal with her issues concerning her mom.


Not the author of the post you are responding to, but just wanted to say you are not the venting police. You don't get to decide what is healthy and what isn't. I have seen no research that says it must be "one and done."
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2020 09:40     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. When she was in the middle stages of dementia, she sometimes thought we were still fighting all the time. for example, she would call and say stuff like " I wish we would stop fighting all the time, I want us to get along." It was kind of sweet but also heartbreaking because she had forgotten how well we had gotten along for the past twenty years.

Hang in there OP!! It all sucks. Hopefully you can get your mom a formal diagnosis.


OP here. This is what I am afraid of. We fought during my teen years, but then had a great relationship. Now it's like she thinks I am a disobedient teen. You are right. It sucks!



The difference is that when you were a teen, you could control your behavior and chose not to. This is different. Your mom has no control over what is happening to her now. She has no choice about her behavior. You need to be more compassionate and respectful. Would you complain about her behavior if she had brain cancer and a tumor was affecting how she acted?


I;m the PP you are quoting. First of all, how do you know that OP isn't being compassionate and respectful? She is posting on a message board and her post doesn't really say how she is acting towards her mom. There is nothing wrong with venting a bit on a message board given the difficult situation she is facing. That situation is made worse by the fact that her mother is refusing to get a formal diagnosis, so it is difficult to know if it is actually dementia.

Also, per your remark about me as a teen/twenty something being able to control my behavior and choosing not to, how do you know that when we fought, I was in the wrong and the mom was in the right? Most mother/daughter relationships are a lot more complicated than that.


Um … OP self-described her/your behavior as "disobedient teen." What is not clear about that? And as someone who has been both a teen and a parent it is pretty easy to generalize that the parent is more often right than the teen.

As for your support of venting, it is pretty clear that you don't understand what is healthy or not. It isn't normal or healthy to have this much anger that OP (you?) is still at it day after day. If you read up on venting you would understand that venting is healthy basically only if it is one and done. The fact that OP continues to feed the vent means that OP needs to do more than vent. She probably needs to get into therapy and deal with her issues. When she does that she'll be in a better place to deal with her issues concerning her mom.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2020 09:05     Subject: Re:In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:I think you need to try to be more supportive of your mother and less focused on you. She cannot control her disease. It seems wildly unfair to me that you're holding her accountable for something she can't control.


What a strange post. There is no mention of being unsupported or holding someone accountable. It is normal, healthy and recommended to vent and get support. Caregivers and loved ones should absolutely focus on themselves too and take care of themselves.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 21:38     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. When she was in the middle stages of dementia, she sometimes thought we were still fighting all the time. for example, she would call and say stuff like " I wish we would stop fighting all the time, I want us to get along." It was kind of sweet but also heartbreaking because she had forgotten how well we had gotten along for the past twenty years.

Hang in there OP!! It all sucks. Hopefully you can get your mom a formal diagnosis.


OP here. This is what I am afraid of. We fought during my teen years, but then had a great relationship. Now it's like she thinks I am a disobedient teen. You are right. It sucks!



The difference is that when you were a teen, you could control your behavior and chose not to. This is different. Your mom has no control over what is happening to her now. She has no choice about her behavior. You need to be more compassionate and respectful. Would you complain about her behavior if she had brain cancer and a tumor was affecting how she acted?


I;m the PP you are quoting. First of all, how do you know that OP isn't being compassionate and respectful? She is posting on a message board and her post doesn't really say how she is acting towards her mom. There is nothing wrong with venting a bit on a message board given the difficult situation she is facing. That situation is made worse by the fact that her mother is refusing to get a formal diagnosis, so it is difficult to know if it is actually dementia.

Also, per your remark about me as a teen/twenty something being able to control my behavior and choosing not to, how do you know that when we fought, I was in the wrong and the mom was in the right? Most mother/daughter relationships are a lot more complicated than that.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 21:37     Subject: Re:In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
When you were a disobedient teen, you had the option of choice. Your mom does NOT have an option of choice. She cannot control what is happening to her. You need to be more compassionate and understanding.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 18:44     Subject: Re:In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:OP just remember that while the disease progresses, it isn’t linear and neither is the person’s wellbeing. You may find periods of greater calm and stability down the road. Not saying it won’t still be awful, just that this particular part might fade or get better when you don’t expect.


Yes, I noticed with my other parent too and it tricks my brain. Happened even after we had the diagnosis, which by then it had progressed a lot. I am starting to see this too now. Sometimes seems totally lucid and fine and I doubt why I suspected things and then back to major personality changes.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 18:42     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. When she was in the middle stages of dementia, she sometimes thought we were still fighting all the time. for example, she would call and say stuff like " I wish we would stop fighting all the time, I want us to get along." It was kind of sweet but also heartbreaking because she had forgotten how well we had gotten along for the past twenty years.

Hang in there OP!! It all sucks. Hopefully you can get your mom a formal diagnosis.


OP here. This is what I am afraid of. We fought during my teen years, but then had a great relationship. Now it's like she thinks I am a disobedient teen. You are right. It sucks!
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 17:27     Subject: Re:In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
I think you need to try to be more supportive of your mother and less focused on you. She cannot control her disease. It seems wildly unfair to me that you're holding her accountable for something she can't control.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 16:05     Subject: Re:In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
OP just remember that while the disease progresses, it isn’t linear and neither is the person’s wellbeing. You may find periods of greater calm and stability down the road. Not saying it won’t still be awful, just that this particular part might fade or get better when you don’t expect.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 16:01     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
My mom and I fought a lot when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. When she was in the middle stages of dementia, she sometimes thought we were still fighting all the time. for example, she would call and say stuff like " I wish we would stop fighting all the time, I want us to get along." It was kind of sweet but also heartbreaking because she had forgotten how well we had gotten along for the past twenty years.

Hang in there OP!! It all sucks. Hopefully you can get your mom a formal diagnosis.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2020 15:07     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:Give OP a break. This is a grieving process for her. She is allowed to grieve the loss of her Mom's personality and normalcy.


OP here. Thank you. It is a grieving process. I found it was many years of grieving with one parent and now here I am slowly going through it again without a diagnosis yet.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2020 16:48     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Give OP a break. This is a grieving process for her. She is allowed to grieve the loss of her Mom's personality and normalcy.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2020 15:48     Subject: In early dementia did your parent regress in how he/she treated you?
Anonymous wrote:I still remember the time that my extremely conservative and reserved father looked at the sexy backup dancers on television at the Super Bowl halftime show, turned to me, and said “va va voom!” with a leering grin that bore no resemblance to any smile that I had ever seen from him.

Hang in there, OP.


My MIL would try to insist on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room to be with the family. We had young kids and clearly it wasn't appropriate. She had a tv in her room but didn't want to be alone. Their personalities completely change.